Toilet Paper Cube

(Misleading Title)

 

Omg, why don’t I ever use the two-page function in Word?  This is AWESOME.  It makes me feel like I’m writing a book.

When I was a kid, I had this software… I forget what it was called.  But it was basically for writing.  It would give you randomized plots, mad-lib style, if you hit a certain button.  And it would text-to-speech yo shit.  I dunno, you could do silly shit with it.  But the BEST part about it was that it made TYPEWRITER SOUNDS AS YOU TYPED OMG.  I loved it so much.  And never wrote anyway .  Ha.

I am officially gonna call that dude TP now, short for Twin Peaks.  The only reason I picked that name is cos his RL name reminds me of the show (shut up don’t guess it’s not even a character name, it just KINDA sounds like one), but the amazing initials y’all pointed out are SO GREAT that now I can’t change it.  I kind of thought about it, but then I realized I like poop jokes more than… not referring to my friends as toilet paper.

Omg omg, speaking of poop!  THIS IS SERIOUS, OKAY.  Okay, well, semi-serious.

Have I mentioned how everyone in the bathroom here is ALWAYS pooping?  Okay, now that’s a slight exaggeration, but I have only entered and exited the bathroom without hearing someone poop, like, a handful of times since I started 3 weeks ago.  Wtf.  Like, it’s SO consistent (shut up, I make the poop jokes not you) that I have to wonder if everyone here poops like 4 times a day.  There can’t be more than 40, maybe 50 women on this floor.  How the hell are they (A) always in there and (B) always shitting?  How much do you eat, ladies?

But then!  THEN!  I noticed something ELSE!

I always have to poop like two hours into work!

THIS IS VERY ABNORMAL FOR ME.

I generally poop like once every 3 days, guys.  And shut up yes I know that’s bordering on medically alarming, but in my defense, fuck you.  Fiber is for… other people.

 Anyway, so suddenly, inexplicably, I am pooping every day at work.  Which is something I almost NEVER do, because I can hold onto that shit (lol) until I get home, usually.  It’s like, not a problem, and I hate pooping in public so I just forget about it.

BUT NOW I AM POOPING AT WORK AND I SERIOUSLY THINK IT’S SOMETHING IN THE AIR.

Like, I haven’t had the coffee here.  I haven’t eaten anything.  I’ve washed my hands and I’ve breathed the air.  Those are my only exposures.

I think there is poop stimulant in the air.

God my theories are so valid.

This dude who was out on leave got back, right? He was gone when I got here, so I’d never met him before.  He sits… not directly behind my cube but kind of… across.  Here, let me draw it for you.

I had to poop in the middle of “drawing.”  DO YOU SEE WHAT IS HAPPENING HERE?!

Anyway, Guy Who Came Back From Leave happened to be walking behind me on Tuesday, and said, “So you like word games?”

I had never spoken to him before, and I happened to be sitting in my cube playing Words with Friends earlier, on my PHONE, so he had to be looking quite directly over my shoulder to see what I was doing, and he never even said anything to me.  He just looked over my shoulder and creeped on what I was doing.

I was like lolyeah, but I’m bad at it, whatevs, and kept walking, but I walk faster than most people so I thought he was gone and then he said something like “how long have you worked here,” but kinda had to shout it since I was far away by then, and basically it’s annoying because I know he can see what I’m doing without being noticed and I’m like ugh dude don’t fuck with me.

He’s just trying to get laid.  No big deal.  And he hasn’t talked to me since, but that was a really creepy way to introduce yourself, man.

Anyway so here’s the layout of our cubes.  See if you can guess which image represents which person!

So Word Game Guy can totally see me in my cube if he just stands up, basically.  And hey, while we’re here, can we talk about how TP is like, super-ass near me at all times and never speaks to me?  The right side is a hallway, and a little south of where the picture ends is a printer, as well as the supply room.  I walk back and forth in front of him all day every goddamn day, and he never ever acknowledges me.  And I had to FORCE him to stop on his way out the one time I managed to get him to talk to me.  And even though the conversation lasted less than two minutes, he spent the entire time trying to get out of it as quickly as possible.  Christ.  SO WEIRD.

He’s trying to get me to like metal and I kind of don’t want to even try, but I asked him to help me so I will try.  I WILL TRY.

Hangin’ with Nate ton

ight, hoooooray!  Usually after he mentions sex, or I suddenly become single or whatever, our relationship briefly gets more, like, touchy and cuddly.  Which is fine, as long as he doesn’t expect it to go further.  And he won’t.  He’s totally cool with rejection.  Once, shortly after we “broke up,” we hung out and I wound up staying at his place.  His bed is motherfucking huge, and we laid down and he suddenly went for a kiss and I was like “lolno,” and he apologized, and then went about life as though it had never happened.  He’s seriously just… not even affected by this shit.  It’s kind of great, in a way, because it means we can maintain a friendship even though he’s attracted to me.   But it’s also ironically the reason I’m NOT attracted to him.  There is such a thing as “too easygoing,” mate.

Holy fuck this is long.

The TP thing miiiiiiiight get out of hand.  He’s kinda texting me a lot after work now, and though it’s fun and lifting my spirits a bit… I’m not feeling the urge to, like, stay in contact all the time.  I don’t find myself grinning like an idiot when I get a message from him.  My heart’s not in it, and I think his is (sort of, I mean.  He’s in love with his girlfriend and all, but I think he’s infatuated with me at the moment), and that tends to lead to…  Meh.  But it’s fine.  Because!  BECAUSE!  I only work here for another 3-ish weeks anyway, so if it gets weird (i.e., he tries something and I’m not into it), I can just avoid him.  He does that anyway!

SO.  LONG.

FAREWELL.

ETCETERA. 

P.S. SORRY IF YOU READ THIS AND IT CAME UP AGAIN, I’m trying to fix the font n’ shit.