Things are less shitty yay *

I’m much, much better today.

First of all, I realized that yes, I can survive and pay my rent for the next few weeks.  I suddenly remembered this morning that, um, payroll is delayed by a week, you dumbass?  So you have TWO paychecks coming, okay?  Calm down.  Keep it together.

 
Second, The Bro + Co. came over, we went to a dog park with their doggy, and it was good.  Then we went to a bar and drank beer and played Boggle.  And during that Boggle game, I got a phone call from the temp agency, and they’re most likely sending me back to the same company, possibly as soon as Monday.  Data entry.  14-something an hour.  Through September.
 
Basically, I’m going to be fine.  They sent HR my resume, but like.  I’m already in their system, and everything.  It’s not like this is a stretch.  The agency even told me, hey, you’re probably the best candidate because you were JUST THERE like YESTERDAY.
 
So!  I might not die!  And I already know the company and I don’t hate it!  Hooray!
 
Shit with DW got weird last night, in the sense that I wept on the floor of my apartment and told him how worthless I feel.  He was nice, and felt bad that he couldn’t stay because he had to let his dog out and he had brunch plans in the morning, and then after we talked for a while I was like yeah, you gotta go take care of doggums, and I guess I can’t come with you?  And he was basically like, well, I have plans tomorrow and it’s probably weird… Or IS IT weird?
 
I was like, nah, it’s fine, no big deal, I’ll stay here.
 
And then he was like, "why do you do that?  Why do you say it’s fine when it’s not?"  This is something his wife did a lot and I keep trying to tell him that the word "fine" doesn’t always mean "not fine," but he doesn’t believe me.
 
And then he said it was "fine" to come over, and I realized this had nothing to do with plans tomorrow or dogs or anything.  He just.  Didn’t want me to come over.
 
I don’t know why and I don’t really care.  I just realized I need to, like.  Not do this.  To not keep fucking someone who calls me his "friend" and doesn’t tell anyone he’s in a relationship and seems to hide me from his friends sometimes.  If we’re fuckbuddies, then fine, but don’t pretend like we’re more than that and then constantly put an arm’s length between us.
 
I honestly, most of the time, feel less like his girlfriend or even his friend, and more like his second favorite dog.
 
He cares about me but he doesn’t love me, and my needs aren’t as important to him as his comfort, and those are both perfectly acceptable things to feel, but they’re not things I want in a relationship.  Not when we’re spending 3-5 nights a week together and pretending like we’re something we’re not.
 
I can imagine hanging out with TP for a while, and looking for someone to connect with on a longer-term basis.
 
I can imagine that, but I can’t imagine being with DW and always feeling like I’ve overstepped my bounds just by existing.  It’s uncomfortable and I don’t want to do it anymore.
 
I don’t know how much these thoughts are affected/created by the lingering depression, but right now it feels… Mostly true, if slightly exaggerated.
 
I don’t know man.  I’m just tired of feeling lonely, even when the person I’m supposed to be closest to is around.  I don’t feel close with him and I don’t think he wants me to be.
 
Almost out of weed.  Gonna pretend like this means I’ll stop smoking.  Lllolololol.
 
 
EDIT: Got the jooooob!  Start this Monday, the 15th.  Super jazzed.  Same pay, different department, some data entry kinda thing.  Hooray!