temp to the moon, JAAAAZZ HANDS *ugh

 You guys, I’m out of it.  I have done next to nothing today, and I don’t even know why.  I just got stalled on something like FOUR HOURS AGO and have barely given a shit since then.  I’ve been staying pretty motivated lately, man!  Lame!

I’ve also been having some stomach problems.  To the point where I thought I was pregnant, because it seemed a bit… morning-sickness-y.  Like, weird waves of nausea.  Not full-on "I feel like fucking shitty shit shit this is worse than being stabbed" kinda nausea, but just like… "Huh, I suddenly wonder if I’m gonna barf like right the fuck now?"
 
And my gag reflex is being a dick.  Like I’d feel the urge to gag and I’d simultaneously wanna follow through, AND suppress it, because I didn’t want to accidentally vomit.
 
Ugh, awful.
 
Also: For the last 6-ish months I’ve been getting nauseous, thinking I’m about to barf, and then sneeze instead and the nausea totally goes away?
 
Finally got around to looking up this sneezing thing after I was starting to feel sick in the mornings regardless, and apparently lots of people have this problem.  There’s a cause–like, they know it’s stimulation of a what-the-fuck-ever nerve or something that’s sinus/stomach related-but there’s no solid linkage to a specific health problem.  Not really, at least.  (One dude mentioned how it stopped for him after his aneurysm burst.  Temporary paranoid panic there.) Most doctors say it’s probs related to gastritis and acid reflux, though.
 
So… Lots of morning nausea… ESPECIALLY if I’ve had much alcohol the night before, and then coffee tends to make me feel worse?  Yeah.  This could be an acid thing.  But fuuuuuuck I really don’t feel like adjusting my diet ugh lameness.
 
Could just be that I’m smoking so much lately and my sinuses are reacting.  I have felt more stuffed up and nasty for the last few months.
 
Anyway whatever, Alicia wants to do a cleanse before summer break is over (she’s a high school teacher) so maybe that’ll help me recognize a cause.
 
I like my potential boss.  He’s fighting to get me hired.  He’s also quite entertaining, and manages to show his frustration with things without being disrespectful toward the people involved.  Like, he gives me kind of an in as to what’s going on, but backs off and is like "Yeah I can’t really say anything for sure on this because… Well.  It’s all fucked up" is the gist.
 
ALSO, someone else who started as a temp and fucks around a lot at work (her desk is super exposed so I walk by all day and see her browsing shit/knitting/watching TV) just got promoted!  She’s smart and seems pretty "with it" or whatever the kids say these days, so I think that’s a sign that they value intelligently working over blindly trudging through it.  I know she hasn’t been here super long, either.  Couple years maybe.  And my boss is the one who pushed the promotion, I believe?
 
That makes me feel better about taking this job (which I almost definitely will at this point for insurance and basically I can do it so fuck it).
 
Stuff with DW is really good right now, too.  Having a weekend where we did different stuff was good.  There’s a little bit of… Bleh, I don’t want to get into the sad part.  But he and I as individuals, and as people in a relationship, are doing really well, even if there are circumstantial things that have made me sad.
 
He’s just really fucking good to me and good at communicating and I feel like I’m emotionally balancing out more so my responses are less trigger-oriented, and more about… Trying to understand my feelings and express them accurately.  Instead of pretending I’m doing that while actually just using it as an excuse to say slightly mean things that you can’t quite call me on UGH.  It’s my shittiest communication habit and it’s hard to break because I get hurt so easily and just shut down.
 
I’m trying to learn how to get hurt and stay open anyway.
 
Ugh, you guys.  Vulnerability is a fucking asshole fuckface and I hate it but it’s the only thing that makes me feel like I’m really here on this earth with other people who are also here and that’s important but IT’S SO FUCKING HARD.
 
I just need to remind myself that… By shutting down, I’m fucking up those relationships, and you know what?  A smart person can see through it instantly and know that I’m just covering up my butthurtness.  Which means it’s pointless because I’m still being vulnerable, but also an asshole.
 
This is nothing DW has mentioned.  I’m just recognizing it in my own mind, and realizing how much better it goes when I’m just honest that I’m hurt and I might not really know why.
 
Kay it’s work time maybe ha ha fuuuuuuuuuuck
 
 
 
 
EDIT:    Had just gotten my ass back to working on things, took a big chug of electrolyte-enhanced water (i put these tablets in it to make up for the fact that i drink coffee and alcohol almost exclusively), and it like, instantly shoved itself into my sinuses.  I had no choice but to spit it out.  It wasn’t even a decision, just an automatic response to feeling like dying.
 
So literally something like a quarter cup of lime-flavored/colored water comes flying out of my face and lands directly on my keyboard.  Like.  Enough water that it made a noticeable splashing noise, as though I had just projectile vomited on my keyboard.  Then I started coughing like crazy because I WAS DROWNING.
 
Aaaaand literally no one said… anything?  Like my boss is RIGHT NEXT TO ME training the temp girl and neither of them even paused.  Even though it sounded like I just choked on a half-gallon of my own vomit.
 
So gross.
 
Fucking lucky my keyboard works.
 
Then I ran to the bathroom to (A) cough and (B) get paper towels and as I’m walking in, some hot blonde woman, probs in her early 40s, looks down at my pants and they’re fucking soaked, but not really in a way that means I peed myself, ya know?  But rather than say anything she just stares at my pants, frowns, and walks away.
 
HA ha fuck Seattleites, man.  Like, seriously, you can verbally acknowledge that I just squelched citrus, piss-colored liquid all over myself, okay?  It’s hilarious.  Pretending it didn’t happen just makes it even weirder and more embarrassing somehow.
 
THAT’S ALL.