Something’s wrong when you regret**

things that haven’t happened yet

At work, trying to imagine a life in which I’m productive, too lazy to be productive, fuck it all. Gonna hang out with TP tonight and I already regret it, mainly because he asked me about insomnia just now and immediately told me masturbation could help. Just like last time we talked for any length of time, he started asking wildly inappropriate questions. HOORAY.

I told him yesterday that I have no intention of violating any agreement within my relationship—despite it heading toward the end game, from what I feel—because cheating out of anger or resentment is immature as all shit.  (What I didn’t mention is that I’d never have sex with him anyway, but I’ll burn that bridge when I come to it.)

His response:

“Well, you’re trivializing your own feelings, but you’re right, cheating is bad form. Which is why I never do it. ;)”

WINK! I don’t know if the “wink” is because he’s in an open relationship (which he has, in fact, bullshitted his girlfriend about in regards to me, so what’s that if not cheating?) or because he’s announced repeatedly that he’s cheated in every other relationship he’s had, sometimes for years, and met his current girlfriend by cheating on the previous one.

In any case, whatever, WINK AWAY about how I just told you I wouldn’t sleep with you.

So I was all:

“The FEELINGS aren’t trivial, but using them as a motivation for becoming a shitty person IS trivial and childish and all that jazz.”

To which he responds:

“It is a bit like stealing from work because, ‘The hell, they owe me…’

But back when I was a shitty person I needed far less motivation than that.”

So, I don’t know what that means. I don’t know if he meant that stealing from work is super bad, or that the justification sounds valid to him, or what.

In any case, he didn’t make any explicit mention of intending to respect my boundaries. Hooray.

We were talking about sex last week, because he mentioned a sex positive podcast about clowns. It turned into like, trying to be open and accepting about sex in relationships, and then somehow he turned it into “tell me all about where you like someone to cum on you” and I realized it had turned into masturbation fuel for him so I didn’t talk to him for 4 days.

Basically, guys, I decided to hang out with him after that anyway because I am running the fuck out of friends, okay? I tried to get Katrina to hang out but she’s leaving town this week. I’m not sure if I’m up for Krazy(my dealer) time. The Bro and I are hanging out on Friday so that’s something, but I needed more than that and I haven’t magically made more friends yet. Working on it. Working hard.

And by that I mean doing nothing and hoping things change.

Haven’t talked to DW about the problem of him forgetting about me, and since I won’t see him until Saturday evening (if he doesn’t forget lol) I probably won’t even feel like talking about it anyway. I already told him I’m over it. (Twice now.)

I think the best course of action here is to just… let it go, man. Let it all go. Stop trying to see him, stop worrying about whether or not I see him, ever. I could have hung out with him last night and I chose not to because it wasn’t worth the stress to me. And I feel like the more time I go without seeing him, the less appeal it will have to me. Just like Mexico. It only took a couple weeks for me to adjust and no longer really care that I was spending my time without him. Time with him is fine but, tbh, nothing special, and the more I remember that, the easier my life will be. I don’t want to force an ending that doesn’t feel right, but I don’t plan to force the relationship either. Chances are it’ll just fade to black in the course of a month.

But for me to really be fulfilled without a bang buddy, I need to make some legit friends who don’t make me feel sexually uncomfortable with every third sentence out of their fucking mouth. Shit, even Katrina makes out with married dudes (and she’s engaged, ugh). I need some friends I actually respect.

Ha ha, that’s happened ever.

EDIT: I swear I can fucking hear the smug look on TP’s face when he emails me some “joke” that’s such an obscure reference he knows I’ll have to Google it.

Fuck it.  Not Googling it, not responding, WHY DID I DECIDE TO HANG OUT WITH THIS GUY WHO REPRESENTS EVERYTHING I HATE ABOUT EVERYTHING

Like seriously, being obscure and intellectual doesn’t make up for not actually being funny or interesting.  Congrats on making the douchey hipster stereotype a reality.

EDIT 2: HE CANCELED FUCK YES except now I have nothing to do tonight FUCK NO