Sexpectations

So, the internet wound up not showing up tonight, though I’m not sure why, except there wasn’t a car available when they thought?  In any case, I went to a beer/wine bar with DW.  His friends showed up.  Let’s call them A and M, because they probably won’t come up a lot.  They’re a married couple in their 30s whom DW knows from his… marriage, maybe?  Anyway, we played cribbage and DW and I won and wooooooo that was a good story.

I really like them.  They’re smart and funny and seem to have their shit together.  They get/run with my jokes a lot more than DW does, so I feel a lot cooler when they’re around.

I told him he could come back to my place if he wanted–though not stay the night, because we both need to, you know, sleep and function and shit–basically for sex.  And he was like, mmmmmaybe but probably not because he doesn’t like having sex and then leaving after.

Anyhoo, we tabled it and then he decided he wanted to come over anyway, and then it got… kinda weird.  He looked tired, and I asked if he was tired, and he said something like, "Yeah, I’m kinda wishing I hadn’t come here."  And I got kind of emo about that.

Then we talked about sexpectations and how it can be weird sometimes or whatever and yeah, we worked it out.  I just felt… sad, I guess.  I felt like he was implying I’d pressured him into coming over for sex and he never wanted to but did anyway.  Not that he was implying it passive-aggressively, because that’s totally not his style, but that it was just a given of the situation and he was stating that he didn’t really want to be here in the first place.  But that’s not what he meant and it’s not what he said and we figured it out.  Aaaaaand then had sex.  Ha.  And I still felt kinda weird because, you know.  In my head, it’s like, well now that we talked about it, we kinda have to prove something by having sex anyway?

That wasn’t the case, of course, for either of us, but still, it’s kind of… I dunno.  The night was weird but ended on a positive note and I’m glad we (A) talked about this shit when it came up and (B) got past it without staying weird.

Also, you know, sex.

Fuck, though.  I’m so tired.  And I have no idea when the internet is showing up tomorrow so I guess I should sleep right now and get up earlyearlyearly to make sure I’m not unconscious when they arrive.  

uuuuuggghhhhh I don’t wannaaaaaaaaa ha ha jess you should whine some more it’s really helping to improve your mood

Okay fine, fuck it, I’m going to bed and then I’ll wake up at 5 or 6 or 7 or 8 and make coffee and be a functioning grownup person.

Ha ha, I just realized I pulled the word "sexpectations" from a past experience with DW.  I think he came up with that word, actually.  "This date exceeded all sexpectations."  Lollol.  But we also talked about it before we’d ever had sex.  Like, we’d basically made out so much that we were both TOTALLY ON BOARD for sex on the next date.  But then he told me soon after we met up that he felt like sex was expected, and he didn’t want it to be that way.  He wanted it to happen if we both felt like it, but not because we’d promised to fuck.  Because that’s stupid and lame.

He’s a really really really good person and I feel like I’m doing the same thing I did the last time I knew him–because somehow this feels like a "new" time, even though it’s only been 4 months–where I like him more and more every time I see him.  It’s true that we may never have the connection I shared with English, but then again, that connection didn’t do me much good in a relationship, did it?  It made him amazing to talk to, but… It didn’t change how I felt about him as a person.  I still didn’t feel any respect for him.  I didn’t feel safe with him.  And whenever he left, I was quietly relieved that he was gone.

It’s funny how much the safety aspect changes shit.  Emotional safety.  It’s not like English ever physically threatened me, or anything even CLOSE.  (Believe me, I would have ended it much sooner had that been the case.)  It’s that I felt constantly vulnerable around him in all the wrong ways.  And I wasn’t conscious of it, really.  But it affected absolutely everything.  Sex.  Even sleeping.  Despite the fact that DW snores and I can barely sleep with him, it’s still… He’s there, in my mind.  With English, I felt like I was sleeping alone with another person.  Not because we were disconnected.  I mean, we had the strongest connection I’ve had with anyone in years.  But because I didn’t feel safe with him.  He wrapped his arms around me and I felt nothing.  Beyond the basic physical comfort that comes from spooning, that is.  It’s a nice, natural position, but I didn’t feel anything more than moderate physical comfort with him.

With DW, there’s that warm squishy feeling in my belly, like, yeah, this is good.  This is right.

I may not be all weirdly depressed when plans with DW fall through, like I used to be.  But I’m still happy to be around him and, with only one exception I can think of (where we spent 3 evenings together in a row, shortly after reconnecting), I’m never relieved when he’s gone.  I’m fine either way, and I think maybe that’s… healthy?

Holy shit, guys, I MIGHT BE EMOTIONALLY HEALTHY RIGHT NOW.

I hope I didn’t just jinx it.