INFJ *Drunk *My Type *Sober Now: Friend Breakups

http://www.personalitypage.com/INFJ.html

There is literally not a single phrase in this description that doesn’t apply directly to what I know of DW.

I just asked him if he’s an INFJ and haven’t heard back but I totally don’t even need to ask.

We talked more.  Half-assed conclusions were reached.  Apologies were made.  Sincere ones.  I don’t know where I’m at right now but I don’t feel the weight on my shoulders anymore, so there’s no immediate reason for me to leave.

* Just got drunk with my ex-coworker, heard her talk about making out with her married coworker.  She’s engaged, he’s married.  I also had a crush on him for the better part of two years and jealousy kicked in hardcore.  Like, fuck you, I’m smarter than her and whatever.  Whatever.  Like I want a married man to cheat with me, right?  But there it is.  And now I can never hang out with him again because.  I dunno.  The reason married men are less appealing to me than unmarried men is because if I were to date someone who cheated on his wife, I would never ever trust that person.  I lost all of my respect for him tonight.  I can’t be friends with someone like that.  Especially since his wife is so fucking awesome.  Like, why?  Fuck you.  I would have stopped liking you if you made out with me, even.  But the jealousy/loss of respect combo is… confusing.

I don’t know.

I had such a weird, just-moved-here-and-haven’t-been-exposed-to-any-males-in-my-life thing for him.  Even though I later realized I would never want to date him.  It’s just.  I don’t know.  His wife was there tonight and it breaks my heart to know she doesn’t know this.  To know she trusts him and has no idea.  Fuck him.  Fuck everything about him.  I never want to hang out with him again.

Fuuuuuuuuck Katrina had us do shots so I’m super fucked up.  I haven’t been this drunk since… Heh.  Since the LAST time I hung out with the Kord Blood Kidz.  They’re all alcoholics.  This isn’t me anymore.  It’s nice to know.  But still.  I’m drunk as shit right now and that bothers me.

DW is probably gonna hang out with me later.  Dunno.  Don’t care.  Kinda wish he wouldn’t so I could get high, but.  I dunno.

I wish he could do anything other than talk about his dog when he’s high.  Otherwise we could share this.  But he literally ONLY talks about his dog.  So it’s like.  I can’t even smoke around him in case he wants some because I don’t want to listen to (literally) an hour of him talking about how his dog likes wet food and sheds a lot and is cute.  I’ve fucking heard these things.  If you wanna obsess about your dog, at least be original, ya know?  But he’s not.  Because all he ever thinks about is how his dog likes wet food and sheds a lot and is cute.

Fuck that.  I have too many original thoughts to explore to pretend I wanna hear that for the third time this week.

Fuck everything.

But aside from cheating on her boyfriend and making out with a dude I had a hardcore crush on for two years, it’s NICE to hang out with Katrina.  I can take the walls down and just TALK to her.  I miss that feeling.  The emotional freedom of talking without worrying if someone’s judging you.  It’s the appeal of Jamie as well.  I just… need to find that with people I also have deep respect for, and then I’ll have a legit friend base.  That’s all I want.

* Right, most of you asked what I am.  INTP, all the way, baby.

Well.  Not ALL the way.  I feel like I’m more intuitive than most INTP descriptions give me credit for, but.  That was a learned behavior.  It’s still a constant struggle for me to decide to trust my instincts over logic.  I’m always borderline INTJ.  Because… I don’t LIKE the P in me.  (Har har.)  I just.  I want to be analytical.

Because my dad told me women have feelings and feelings make you stupid/evil.

Not even evil.

Because evil requires intelligence.

Stupid and manipulative.

I want to be more analytical than I am.  Less instinct-based.

But I AM super intuitive.  I know EXACTLY what’s going on with people.  Almost immediately.  I just don’t trust it. Don’t believe it.  Because I’m terrified of becoming exactly what DW accused me of being.

And even though he apologized and explained he was pulling that from internal reactions to shit, it’s still there.  It will always be there.  Every time I express an emotion.

And I’ll never believe him when he tells me he loves me.  Never.

Oh well.

Relationships, AM I RIGHT?!

* Recently tried friend-breaking up with English because.  Well.  He’s annoying now.  Now that he’s fully committed to a Zen/determinist lifestyle, you can’t have a conversation with him because words mean nothing.  But he’ll still start arguments about perceived truths, and then when you argue back he’s just like "THERE IS NO TRUTH, SO IT’S POINTLESS TO TRY TO FIGURE IT OUT LULZ."  Then why’d you start the conversation, motherfucker?  So I was like, "you can’t have it both ways.  ALL ways."  And he was like, "But I can!  That’s the beauty of it!"

Yeah, but it makes it utterly pointless to talk to you.  Which I said.  I said I can’t talk to someone who (A) doesn’t make any linear sense and doesn’t care to, and (B) spends all of our conversations trying to convince me that I’m wrong and he’s right and I need to think in exactly the same way he does to find peace.

So he seemed okay with my decision not to talk to him anymore, and NOW he’s back to sending me links that are supposed to change my life and make me give up the meaning of words.

Sending them in e-mails.  You know.  Those written articles.  Hahaha.

It just makes me want to slap the shit out of him, ya know?  I can’t block his e-mails but I can send them directly to spam if I want.  Not sure I’m willing to do that, in case he eventually sends an e-mail that like "btw I have cancerAIDS," but ugh, I don’t even want to be exposed to him anymore because he’s SO FUCKING ANNOYING.

So that’s it!

DW came over, we had lots of great sex except I was mostly too drunk to enjoy it and it lasted a long time and now I’m in some paaaaaaaaain, but it was good anyway because it’s been a week and I’m a fucking addict so a week is a long time.

HOORAY.