BUT I LIKE SELF-ABUSE AND YOU CAN’T STOP ME

SUP GUYS.

So DW had a cold this weekend and I was like “eff dis I swear I was just sick like 30 seconds ago, NOTHX” so I decided not to smoke (anything) or drink, started chugging vitamin water (that is, water with Nuun All Day tablets in it.  Actual “Vitamin Water” is just corn syrup and regret) and taking zinc like three times a day because apparently since the last time I looked into this, there was a study that actually confirmed it can reduce cold symptoms.  Though they didn’t study DOSAGES apparently, so, whatever, I’m just taking like 150mg a day after doing some general calculations based on the stupid Cold-Eeze tablets, which recommend you take one every 2-4 hours, so maximum you’d be popping 90mg.  I figure if 90 is recommended by a company that pulls random numbers out of their ass, then 150 is probably pretty safe, if not actually effective.

Talking about zinc was not my fucking point though, guys.

Monday I was pretty damn sure I had it.  I had a leeeetle bit of a throat scratch, and since I’ve never successfully avoided a cold, I was like “yeah fuck this” so I started doing all this crap to make it not happen.  I even bought a neti pot, guys.  I PURCHASED AN OBJECT THAT MAKES YOU FEEL LIKE YOU ARE  DROWNING IN THE BRINEY OCEAN.  Because fuck this noise, I am not getting another sinus infection like in February.  I will fucking launch myself into the sun before I let that happen again.  Six goddamn weeks of unstoppable discomfort and broken, phlegmy sleep.  Kill me now plzthx.

Anyway, it was strangely easy to not smoke the last two days, though in the evenings I was like “for fuck’s sake sobriety is boring as shit.”  I was so bored I did all my laundry, guys.  INCLUDING MY SHEETS.  Last night?  I spent like 30 minutes making my feet less gross—a task I haven’t taken on since I suddenly and inexplicably developed a form of psoriasis that makes me feel gross (okay it wasn’t that sudden, I’ve had a super minor thing happen since I was a kid, so minor I never even cared to Google it), and then cleaned my kitchen.  And my floors.  Scrubbed the kitchen floor twice, guys.  (Not as impressive as it sounds.  My kitchen is like, the width of the standy part of a bus, and the length of not-very-long-at-all)  Scrubbed twice, rinsed once.  Then I ORGANIZED MY GODDAMN CABINETS.  Realized most of my dry goods are expired?  Probably because I haven’t bought dry goods since the last time I did a stupid cleanse thing a year and a half ago.

The only good part about my weird, hyperfocused-yet-utterly-shitty attention span (yes I know there’s a string of letters I could attach to this, fuck you, I don’t feel like diagnosing myself with some shit when I’m technically a fully functional adult) is that once I start cleaning, shit doesn’t stop.  So, yeah.  I finally had to make myself stop after I realized I’d been fucking around in my tiny kitchen for two and a half hours.  Nice distraction from wanting to toke up, though, lemme tell ya.

So I go through all this shit because sobriety bores me, to the point where I find myself READING PSEUDO-SCIENTIFIC PHILOSOPHY BULLSHIT BOOKS AUGH WTF, and then I go to bed at 11 and, uh.  I.  I sleep.  I sleep soundly.   I sleep almost immediately after I turn off the lights, have a night full of colorful dreams and, uh.  I wake up.  I wake up before my alarm and then my alarm goes off and I reset it for later and then realize… I’m not tired?

Oh, OH.  And guess what else?

I’VE VEEN EATING THREE MEALS A DAY.

Like, I get to work, eat a banana, get hungry a bit later, eat something lunch-y, have a mid-afternoon snack and then dinner because I’m fucking HUNGRY again?  Like clockwork, man!  Once every 3-4 hours, my stomach wants food or some shit?!

The only time my nausea has kicked back in since the weekend is, lo and behold, after drinking 32 ounces of coffee on an empty stomach.  And then I ate a banana and it went away.

Like.

Seriously.

Guys.

Maybe… Maybe not…

Do I even want to say it?

………maybe not abusing substances all day would solve 90% of my health problems?

Fuck.  FUCK.  You have NO IDEA how much I don’t want this to be true, guys.  I really really really don’t.  I LOVE abusing substances.  My current life is fucking lame without them and I can only clean my kitchen so many times before I’ll find myself simply pacing back and forth, hoping everything ends soon.  And yet.  AND YET.  I haven’t slept or eaten this well/easily without taking anything since… Well.  Since my cleanse.  Lol.

Fuck.

FUCK BALLS SHIT FUCK ASS, you have NO IDEA how angry this makes me.  I don’t want to quit anything!  I was just trying to avoid getting a fucking cold, man!  What am I supposed to do?  Just NOT TAKE IN HARMFUL CHEMICALS anymore?  What the fuck?  Who does that shit?

But if this is the solution, and I go back to abusing everything, it means I can’t complain about it when I can’t sleep or eat!  Augh!  AUGH!!!

Oh, man.  The kicker, though?  The biggest kicker?<o:p

>

I’m still gonna get this cold.  Lol.  As I was drifting off last night I realized my throat was scratchy again, and this morning… Yeah.  It’s gonna happen.

Fuck this all the way to Fucksville, guys.

And I gots tuh hang with DW tonight and try not to smoke/drink because APPARENTLY it’s killing me.  Blegh.  Can I even do this relationship sober?  PROBABLY NOT.

Oh well.

That’s all guys.  Keep it real.