07/18/2013

I’m struggling with some shit in my heeeeeeeeeeeead right now and writing about it would make it worse so I’m just gonna write about OTHER THINGS to make it fucking stop.

I don’t think it’s gonna stop, I don’t think it fucking matters, I think I think I think

I don’t want to burst into tears at my desk except oops too late

You’re a grown-ass woman, cut that shit out.

I will eat this cheese and I will take these vitamins I’ve been carrying around with me for two weeks but never actually take, and they’ll have all the things I need and they will magically cure all of my emotional problems. Right guys? Right?

I’m afraid this is it, this is just what it feels like, this is what relationships are like and they’ll always do this to me and I’ll never be happy alone but I’ll always be unstable when I’m with someone.

I’d rather be unhappy and alone. Because this isn’t happy, either. This is bullshit. It’s not even him. It’s me. It’s everything that happens every time I think about this stupid fucking thing we’re doing and it feels like a trap. A trap I keep leaping into with both eyes open and somehow I’m still surprised when it clamps down.

what’s up with you, what are you thinking, where did you go

I don’t know what to say.

Unexpected Error

July 18, 2013

I think it would do you good to write about it, even more so if it’s making you uncomfortable to do so. Sometimes getting the thoughts out can help you review them better, they stop going around in circles and when you read it back, it’s easier to decide if it matters or not. xxx

brainstew

Aside from the fact that this is your diary and you get to choose what goes into it, I would also like to see you write about some of the specifics about this situation, here. Just so I can give advice, if possible. I don’t know. Relationships are up and down, right? Sometimes you’re happy with him, sometimes not. NOBODY should be judging you for that, of all things. (<– Just assuming that this could be a possible reason for not posting details on OD, because some noters might not understand the temporariness of your situation/mood and say shit like “break up with him, blah blah”, which isn’t helpful in a temporary situation.) Take me, for instance. I broke up with Adam in December (even though we live together) because I wasn’t happy about our relationship anymore. And now we’re pretty damn cool, and my feelings toward him are pretty complicated. But even though I broke up with him while still living with him, I knew it was the right thing to do for me to get back to feeling happier on SOME level. The break up wasn’t the quick fix to all my problems, but it at least fixed the part where I couldn’t handle how our relationship made me feel.

So, whether it’s just about you not being happy with life in this present moment, or it’s just about you not being happy being in a relationship with DW, or it’s more to do with DW’s mannerisms/beliefs/attitudes that makes you feel out of place … It’ll take some time to figure that out and really understand what’s getting you down. I’ve been in this head-place myself before, even if not exactlythe same, and it’s a shitty head-place to be in. Like, you just want to be fine and think of things other than what’s getting you down and definitely not be/feel that way in front of a significant other. Because their responses to such feelings might make you feel a lot more shitty.

I don’t know what to say either 🙁 So here are hugs. Lots and lots and lots of hugs. I can’t remember if you mentioned your birthday, which I hope doesn’t make me a shit. 🙁 Just someone with a bad memory. But anyway, I noticed the age change on the side there and meant to say something but probably got sidetracked by responding to your entries. Anyway, happy birthday *more hugs*