First Entry

So I haven’t blogged in probably 8 or so years. I used to be an active Xanga user. I had a pretty big following on there and had friends I actually spoke to over skype sometimes. But most blogging sites seem to have disappeared. I read about this one and I decided to try it. I don’t know if this site has the community that Xanga did, but I figured it’s worth a shot. I’m not going to write about too much tonight. I’ve had a few drinks and I just got off the phone with my brother. It’s kind of a weekly ritual for me, I call my little brother and just vent to him while throwing back a few. I’m seven years older, but he seems to take care of me more than I do him these days. He lives 5 hours away now, but I see him once every few months when he comes home. We hated each other growing up, so it’s kind of funny that we reached this point. He’s really supportive and understands I need him right now. I’m just going through a lot. It seems I’m always going through a lot. The things I am going through seem to change periodically. But it seems I can never catch a break. Once I feel like I might actually be reaching a point in my life where I am happy, things come crashing down.

A great example is Covid. That’s when I started spiraling again. I had just moved in with my boyfriend Brandon an hour away from my parents in a new city. I enrolled full time in school for my Bachelor’s in Early Childhood Education. I was working a part-time nanny gig. I was happy. But then, Covid hit and I got laid off. All my classes switched to online, and I just spiraled downward back into a depressive state I hadn’t seen in years. I have Bipolar Disorder and Generalized Anxiety Disorder. It seemed like I had things under control, at least for a while. But I couldn’t stand being home alone all the time. Brandon worked throughout the entire pandemic because he was a grocery store manager. My social life was lost. I spent a lot of time drinking and calling friends.

Then, when I finally went back to work at a new job, my close friend moved to my city, and we started hanging out. Things were fine for a little bit, but she’s so messed up from everything that’s happened in her life, and refused to try and get actual help. She finally got a therapist back in February, but it wasn’t enough. She’s severely mentally ill, she was drinking heavily to the point where she couldn’t control her emotions or herself in general when I saw her, and she would constantly open up to me about deep, dark, traumatic things that had happened to her throughout her life. Things that she wasn’t actually talking about in therapy. And I couldn’t handle it anymore. I couldn’t take her refusing to acknowledge how sick she actually was. There’s a lot more detail to that, but I don’t want to get into it tonight.

Also, I’m temporarily out of work with pay. I’m a nanny with an agency, and my job works on a case by case basis and I’m just not needed right now. My boss is still paying me because she thinks cases are going to go up again and we have very few workers in my area and she wants to keep me on. But I don’t know how long that will last. I haven’t worked in five weeks. I am home all day, everyday. I have no friends in the area anymore, I feel like shit everyday. I’m lonely. I want to go out. I liked actively going out and doing things. I liked going to bars, restaurants, movies, shopping, anything that was out of the house. Brandon works full time and is changing jobs soon. But he has all these interests outside of work, he has band practice, jujitsu, he sees his friends, etc. and I have nothing. The only thing I do occasionally is drive home to my parents an hour away just to get out for a few hours. And then I just sit at their house as opposed to sitting in my apartment. Basically everything sucks right now. And I don’t see it getting any better anytime soon.