relationships r hard

i’m using this site to rant about things i’m feeling at the time. i don’t want anyone to see my shit and “worry” or whatever.

anyways yeah

i have a problem. if someone doesn’t focus on me me me then they hate me. atleast that’s what my mind thinks. i love my girlfriend. ignore the last thing, i was spiraling. i couldnt stop crying and was close to relapsing so i just typed everything out. i didn’t realize so many people would see it and worry. i do not wanna relapse. anyways more on that later. today i arrived at school during period one (earlier than usual) and was excited to see my girlfriend. already she was acting weird. instead of hugging me and talking to me, she just said “hiii!” then continued talking to her friend. now this SHOULD be fine. but i haven’t taken my pills in a few weeks. every time i tried to get her attention she just brushed me off. i get it. i’m annoying. she was LITERALLY in the middle of a conversation. i just get needy ig? then pe ended and she just wouldn’t stop talking to her friends. i tried to act like i had a reason for hanging around them. they’re the only people i know in that class… in period 2 i was on my phone bc that teachers a pushover. then nutrition… normally i’m excited to see my gf, and i was! i thought this morning was just a mistake. when i got there i already could tell what was gonna happen. my gf and her friends were playing around. chasing eachother, etc. i just put my bag down and stood there, starring like an idiot. then they stopped and i asked my gf to go to the bathroom with me. it’s my safe place. i love going there because it’s a place with no distractions. well let’s just say me and my gf got caught in one stall. we weren’t doing anything. just talking, but the staff didn’t think so. we didn’t get any consequences just a quick “don’t do that here” talk. my gf  just kept talking to her friends after that laughing with them, while i was just, there. 3-4 were ok. lunch sucked. my gf AGAIN talked with her friends. more than usual. i hate how long lunch can be. she never engaged in conversation with me ONCE. i just sat there going through her backpack because i had nothing else to do. listening to her joke with her friends almost brought me to tears. hearing them make inappropriate jokes with eachother made my eyes water. i never joke flirt with my friends anymore. i understand that i’m in a relationship and they do too. idk what doesn’t click for my gfs friends. or her tbh. i makes me really uncomfortable when they do that. i just feel stupid. like the stupid girlfriend who had no one else to hang out with so they stupidly sit on the stupid bench just watching. ofc my girlfriend walked with me to period 5 and said “goodbye love u” but it was different. period 5 was fun. unless you count the part where i just put my head on my desk and wished i was at home so i could overdose on my many untaken pills. when period 5 got out i just walked to 6. normally i’m supposed to wait for my gf so we can walk together. i was just tired of today. i sat and waiting for my gf to yell at me or just say “where were you?!” but nope. she came happily walking with one of her other friends. she gave me a quick hug of acknowledgment to show she knew i existed then went on to her friends to continue making jokes. i stuffed my face in my arms and let out a quick tear. then i felt something on my head so i lifted it up to see my gf saying it’s time to go inside the class. wow! she remembered that we usually walk into class together! 😐 she’s so nice. i spent all of period 6 with my head in my arms trying not to think about my girlfriend wanting to breaking up with me. as i was waiting for the bell to ring standing at the door my girlfriend called “wait for me!!” and ran over, grabbed my hand, and said “let’s go!” i was not amused. we walked holding hands as she texted, i faked a smile or two when she tried to make a joke so it wasn’t as awkward as it was. when we got out of school she said “UGH! my moms being so annoying. i’ve been planing to hang out with (insert name) for WEEKS and now i can’t” why the fuck are you complaining to me? why are you planning to hang out with them not me. to fucking top it off i was texting my long time friend about it because i was sad and he said “i think she maybe just talked to someone else today” i just left him on read. i know i can be fragile but shut your fucking mouth. i know i’m an idiot but i just need you to LISTEN to me. tell me she still loves me and was being stupid today. don’t tell me IM in the wrong. i cant fucking handle that.

there was another subject i wanted to talk about but i’ll leave that for later today. this is long enough. if there are typos sorry normally i proof read but i’m on the bus and some girl already tried peaking at my phone. ttyl ig