i hate this

fuck. i’m going to kill my self. i want to kill my self. no one likes me. everyone is just acting. pretending. fuck. i need to die. i want to die. please just let me fucking die. what the fuck am i gonna do. my girlfriend doesn’t like me. i just know it. it’s different. i can sense it. from when we first started dating. she’s been lying. she doesn’t think i can tell but i know. i can’t break up with her because it’s too new. we’ve already kissed (which is a big deal for her). she says “i love you” whenever we say goodbye. should i have chosen the other one? i’m such a FUCKING PSYCHOPATH. J was a better option. we joke flirted 24/7. could get along without it being awkward. i suck. now J is mad. they wont ever hang out with me. i get it. it’s weird. what are we supposed to joke about if we can’t secretly flirt under it all? I SHOULD KILL MYSELF FOR EVEN THINKING THAT. IM SUCH A PSYCO. MANIPULATOR. GASLIGHTER. I HAVE SERIOUS PROBLEMS. I LOVE MY GIRLFRIEND SHES AMAZING. SO WHY THE FUCK ARE THESE THOUGHTS IN MY HEAD. she can fucking tell. thats why she’s being dry. or maybe it’s because i’m breaking down. worse than i have before. ik it’s weird. “how could u break down any worse olivia? youre so fucked!” well it’s different now. instead of breaking down in public spaces and isolating myself, i’m acting like nothings happening. except the internet. where i post my issues. my friends see them. “me when i got sexually assaulted” “my dads an asshole” (not related btw) “i hate how i look”. do they do shit? nope! because that is ONLINE olivia. irl olivia is normal! no problems. have any of the people i know ONCE asked how i was. nope! i mean, i’d probably lie if they did, but that’s not the point. anyways. i’m worse. i just blast music in my headphones  in my room. i can’t even cry anymore. my eyes get teary, but nothing falls. goddddd. ughhhh. bipolar ass. i was so frantic when i started ranting then i just zoned out and now idc. well lemme get my last thoughts out i was probably gonna rant paragraphs about. it used to be just me and him. now he has everyone and no time for me. every day i get random thoughts. “you should slit your thigh” “slice open your arm it’s healing” uhh yeah that can’t be as normal as it feels. i wish i could tell someone everything. “i slit skin open. i was assaulted when i was younger. i hate my body. i’m a bad person.” but i can’t. that would be selfish. i would tell him. he told me when he hurt himself. but what could he do? it’s just gonna be like when he told me and i had no fucking clue. he’s just gonna tell me to tell the counselor (or worse, tell his parents). idk what to do. how would i even tell him? maybe i should. he trusted me. i need to trust him. i need to. tomorrow is busy. i’m asking J why she wont hang out with me (ik why but i’m being clueless bc i shouldn’t know what i know.), i’m hanging out with my girlfriend, and i MIGHT tell him about the self harm? how would i phrase it. “i started hurting myself and i don’t know how to stop” i’m such an ass. he doesn’t deserve this. goodbye.