What about love?

Maybe I finally figured out what book I want to get into: Labyrinth Lost, the first book in the Brooklyn Brujas series by Zoraida Córdova (in Spanish). Reading in Spanish helps me not worry that I am a slow reader anyway. I liked going to sleep thinking about the first chapter I read. It is not that the other book wasn’t good (and this one surprisingly feels like somewhat more advanced Spanish) but I think this one might get me into the Halloween spirit more and in any case it is what I feel like reading!

I had this dream though, it felt emotionlly big, but when I woke up all I could remember of it was a landscape with maybe a few trees, grass… I knew immediately who the dream was about though I coukdn’t bring back all the details and I had this huge sense of betrayal like I hadn’t experienced before, like, you should not have done that to me, I just can’t remember what ‘that’ was. In a different sense than I had felt before. Like you should have been there for me, you should have protected me, but you weren’t, and you didn’t… and I have no idea anymore what my sense of indignance was about specifically but… I do not feel like I was treated right, and I am not sure this person is as good a person as I thought they were…

Then all sorts of self-conscious and I am not good enough thoughts and unspecified anger at this person and others that should have been there for me and who knows what but I was sooo anxious during my haircut but it wasn’t about the haircut… I just wanted to bolt back to the house so I could get more sleep because wow there is a lot coming up to process but I don’t exactly know what it is. I hope someone wishes me well, I hope someone cares, I hope someone doesn’t think I am a total mess up and failure. And if they do… maybe they don’t know me, and it’s okay. Or maybe I am all of that, and have never done and will never be able to do life right. I just don’t know… I wish I had affirmation that, yeah, you have work to do in this world, and I believe in you to go out and do it. I was listening to a fabulous talk by Tara Brach on Healing our Hearts and she says there are so few natural ways if belonging in this world and thise of us who are afraid of basic safety concerns may have ‘severely severed belinging’. This terrifies me. Maybe I will always be way too afraid, and fear is so stigmatised, to feel true unconditional belonging anywhere. I am terrified my soul is always going to feel so fragmented that I won’t feel belonging with anything at all, not even myself. I feel too bad to deserve existence and I don’t understand if there is any purpose I have or something I am supposed to be doing to make life feel menaingful but my heart just breaks and it might kill me but I need to feel my heart. I heard loud Latin music coming from a car as I was walking inti a store., Asong that deeply relaxed me but that is relative because I was not relaxed at all. I am just wondering if I need to surrender everything I thought I was supposed to be and be compassionate about this shadow part of me which I fear may be all of me that won’t just… so the only thing that is opening fir me right now and go to Latin America even at a time when I fear my life has no meaning at all and I will never find something I was born to do or be… I can keep feeling my heart break but if I want to keep moving while my heart is breaking maybe I need go go to Latin America thiugh I have to be honest: taking that step right now is one of the scariest things in the whole entire universe. And I don’t know how to feel belonging in myself when I feel like my life is a waste and maybe no one believes in me to do what I was just meant to do or else encourage me and help me feel in my heart that just being myself is enough. I have not lived up to standards, I suffer a sense of deeply severed belonging, and the only way my life is ever going to make sense and maybe it takes courage to take action when you feel like you hve nezt to no fairh in anything ever feeling like it could ever turn out all right and I am so sorry for my defects, my oversights, the way I hurt my first love, everything, and that in a world where natural belonging is so hard to come by, I felt it with her and I will never forifve myself for leting it all go, and for the failure I feel like I have been wver since then. Will I ever begin to trust that others are capable of loving me? I feel so many voices in my head of people who must think it absurd for ke to think that I deserve it. I know ultimately I have to figure this out on my own in a sense but the truth is I don’t think I can do it, because either I don’t feel strong and resilient enough, or I lack the courage and am maybe messed up beyond repair, beyond the possibility or anybody loving me and staying in a way that sooths me and makes me joyous? I use the word joyous here almost sarcastically because I don’t know when or if I will figure out how to access that emotion again. Now I feel exiled feom the world and I feel like I do not meet anyone’s standards and no matter how nice someone is to me it does not seem to affect my severed sense of beloning and sense that their being kind to me couldn’t possibly be love. Back in those times if I knew what I knew now maybe it could have worked, I mean, something that feels like I feel like intimacy should feel like now… Tara’s talk reminds me to *try* to say yes to what I am experiencing rather than pushing away the way life is which I am doing with everything I’ve got lately and why not be a pessimist so as not to he perpetually disappointed with a gaping hole in your ability to express to anyone who might connect and understand how horrible you feel and how you feel you have wasted your life… and then everything else.