Ungrounded

I felt a bit better when I got up today though my host was like, I’m going shopping for a little while, when I get back we’ll get you a haircut! They had no available appointments today anyway. I have an interview scheduled on Wednesday which doesn’t give me anxious vibes like the other one did; as someone said, even just as an opportunity to answer some questions and get to know myself a little better but honestly if I do get the job, I can’t really imagine staying in it for even a month, and I would really like to leave here really soon so I can have more control over my life. Lack of pretty much total control at the shelter was scary, and now I have more freedom but an older guy who has his particular ways of doing things sort of advising me on what I should do with my life and stepping in though I did not ask for that… and that could be a good patt of shat is depressing me. Our ethics don’t exactly align; I don’t want to lie on my resume but he says he would do it and is fine with it. I don’t want to interview for a job if I don’t expect to be there very long, either, but he says whatever, you do what you’ve got to do.

I can’t explain to him that I don’t have to do this. But like he said, he wants me to hit it with every angle. I wasn’t really consulted about everything I need before I got here: no conversation about what my own plans were, really, just that I’d been in a shelter and needed some support and I thought I would be the one figuring out how to get back on my feet, or that I would get support doing it my way… not a bunch if suggestions that feel like they get in my way, but who knows, maybe it will be grounding, it could be fun. Not for too long and I feel like a sell out but this particular place doesn’t sound too bad. Also there was a song that mentioned it (and not in a good way because it was a folky song and it is a chain retail store) way back when I took my first trip to North Carolina. If I can have songs about a place going through my head it can’t be too bad.

I feel like I have gotten thate support I need to feel a good bit safer and more stable — just space to be, relatively quiet, with some independence, is what I needed, and it’s what I git, and now I am recovered from the immediate stress of being shelterized, and I am capable of moving on now and doing my own thing. So okay. I have no expectations but if it does work out and ends up being a good way to get into a rhythm and make a few dollars in a week I won’t complain.

I want to take my time making money, too. There is a part of me that is totally resistant to making money right now because so much else feels out of balance and I question the point of committing to making money when I have so much else to worry about plus I hate that not having enough of it can put you in horrifying situations you don’t want to be in especially without any kind of social support, which scares me. It feels more important to invest in Spanish lessons than it does to make money. It just feels like one more thing to waste my time doing when I don’t even know what I am getting out of the things I usually enjoy to begin with… once I find enjoyment again and find some balance in my life, spending time making money might come to feel natural and I do think focusing more on money and enjoying the rhythms and flow if it rather than avoiding it as I do could end up being a healing thing but right now I feel like I need to find myself first, experience some balance or something…

I might have to end up lying about finding an apartment or something to get out if here and I don’t like that either but my stay kind of came with unspoken and unwritten terms that I didn’t quite agree to so I think in that case too sometimes you do what you’ve got to do. I am not horrified about applying for this position as a ‘fulfillment associate’ because it sounds like a lot of things I have some experience with anyway. I don’t care if I don’t get the job and if I do I guess if I am herr anyway I would be interested in trying it out though till this day I have never spent a single day in retail and I was kind of hoping to keep it that way! Maybe it will be a story though.

It is nice to make friends. I was really depressed or discombobulated and wanted to be alone for a while so I did not really reached out but I did on Sunday and suggested maybe we go for a walk. He said he could drive me to some nice rural places to walk and asked if I minded if his husband comes along. That sounded like something to look forward to and I might suggest we do that Saturday though I have no idea how long I am in the area and if his reaching out for friendship has anything to do with an expectation that I will stay in the area, I’m sorry, it probably won’t happen, and I hate that as soon as I start meeting people I am almost i off to some other place… but maybe I can be honest about my plans to go to Latin America and that does not have to be a disappointment like I just made a friend and they immediately moved away! Sometimes I feel like I can’t make friends at all and then when I do it’s like, oh no, I’m not going to be around long anyway! Enjoying spiritual walks in nature and the rural countryside feels like a beautiful way to make friends.

I know I am going to be leaving soon and… while having someone to go on walks with and talk about spirituality and such with would be great and makes me start to feel grounded like I can start to make friends and do fulfilling worthwhile things with them but… as soon as I feel good about something, there’s something to be sad about… and I am thinking about taking these kinds of walks with friends when I was in the DC area, and how walks felt grounding and like a sort of friendship, but how quickly I left the area, and how quickly everything in my life went to hell after that.

I looked into insurance for my guitar, which maybe I already have, not quite sure if it is worth it. I wish I had somebody to tell me what to do, but to tell me something that feels good to me. My mother did ask me today if I considered Puerto Rico. I am not right now, anyway. I feel it might be a wee bit expensive and it might be a little tricky to move around.

Creating my life on my own feels really scary right now. I do not know what I am doing. I want to find some way to process lots and lots of grief from my past but I am afraid I will just encounter how much time I have wasted and grieve even more. I have a tendency to go in and out of a sense of being connected, in and out of feeling like I am part of something and I have not figured out what it is that makes me feel secure like I am part of the world going on around me and not totally separate from everyone and everything. Today I feel in between: making plans to spend time with someone who is spiritual and wants to take walks in nature is nice but what is missing? What exactly do I need to feel I am not all alone and not being abandoned by the universe?I don’t know how I am going to heal all these wounds. I don’t want to make connections through woundedness but I want to make friends who feel wounded too. I don’t want to be the only one who feels like a mess.

I feel like such a failure and then when emotional stuff comes up that I can’t deal with I imagine so many people who don’t like me would want to make judgments about me about all the ways I am maladjusted to my current situation and to the world. I feel like people think I am not good for anything. People get into situations where they just can’t cope anymore, that doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with them. I want somebody to be proud of me but I can’t see any reasons to be proud of myself. I want to feel like someone cares but I feel like no one knows me, not even myself…