Too highly sensitive…

I talked yesterday to someone who doesn’t really know me but is doing his best to support me nonetheless. For what it is worth, and I can take it as just one opinion from one person, he says that it sounds like I am feeling like a victim, having a victim mentality, and to just say fuck you to them all and show that you can make it. I am stuck in my head, he says, I need to get more into my emotions. I thought I was in my emotions as much as it is possible to be in my emotions and that is why I am a mess — my emotions feel like an accurate guide to the truth of what is and my emotions feel all messed up and terrified — I don’t know if that is a good idea, going more into my emotions, even though I try every night to go more into my emotions, to meditate on my heart. There are too many scary things to handle and deal with on my own without a sense of where to feel any kind of social support and i just do jot know if I am going to make it; I feel so hyperfocused on survival I can’t deal with any of the higher needs on Maslow’s hierarchy.

I can’t figure out any action to take that feels in tune with who I am. I can’t imagine anyone believing in me. I wish I could feel people believing in me but who even knows me? It is sad. I have been defining myself by all sorts of horrible things I am sure some others must think about my intentions and motivations and everything else they might evaluate and I feel so vulnerable to that but none of that is really me, it is these ideas about me, but I feel so stigmatized somehow, and who even knows me enough to atand up for me? To affirm that I am a goid person? Hiw can I not feel like a failure if I can’t point to anyone who could do that? If I tried to tell people all about me who wouldn’t think I am messed up? I am so scared I fear they might be right. I don’t want to believe that my payche does not have the possibility of being whole

One of the things I have tried lately that seemed to work best as far as giving me a short-lived experience of a little bit if peace underneath is: who are you without any ideas or thoughts of who you are? You aren’t going to arrive at an answer through a thought. That kind of separated me a bit from a lot of the chaos going on emotionally for a little while and put me just a little bit more in touch with a more spacious awareness and it seems to take a lot. There is nothing wrong with me but I am finding it harder and harder to function in this world and I might not make it. Is there something wring with me or with the world? It feels like both…

I’d say going more into my emotions is a good thing when I can find a place to hold them and some support in that but right now it is so hard to trust anything to hold any of me. It is hard to sense anything about the future and I am back and forth between completely hopeless and feeling a sort of peace and okayness that I don’t really understand because it doesn’t really reflect what I take to be the circumstances I seem to be objectively in which are terrifying. I want this crisis to be a chance to grow, to
find out who I am, not to despair at how lonely I am and how lonely the entire world seems to be especially when you are isolated; when something has the effect of unisolating you, when someone speaks something that feels really true and that expresses understanding of you that makes you relax and feel less alone, those feelings and ideas of the world being so isolting can calm down a bit, and it is hard to know what the truth of the matter is, and what to do about it… but when you are as highly sensitive as me, and you have not built connections with people who understand and support your high sensitivity, and suddenly you realise you have nowhere trustworthy to turn to — who will tell you your high sensitivity is not something ‘wrong with you’ even in the best of times? I feel scared and all alone in the world and I don’t know how to get my sense of connectedness back… or my sense of trust.

Then when you are falling apart and pretty much incapable of dealing with all the stress and uncertainty… maybe that has already happened but oh so I know how terrifying it is, and then who is going to believe in you, and how will you find your way back to believing in yourself? I don’t know what actions to take that feel like me, I am just going through the motions, and that can’t be good.