Thoughts before bed

I started rereading Spring Washam’s book A Fierce Heart. Remembering her genuineness, her aliveness, her gentle loving spirit that was passionate about awakening, I was somehow able to take in her words mire than mist: that no matter how dark our lives have become, there is always an opportunity now to live with courage; and I don’t know if the rest if my life will provide clarity on anything or if I am just bound to suffer more as things fall further and further apart, but I feel so much encouragement in her words. I do not know what my story is, right now, what the triumphs and failures of my life even are, but I can choose to follow a path of awakening, I can choose to experience the whole spectrum of life from suffering to joy as an opportunity to learn and awaken. She writes: “We must remember who we really are. We are not just the story we’ve lived so far; our life is an epic tale with many chapters—many lifetimes—and we are here on the brink of time. To remember who we are is to reclaim our power, our truth, and our hearts!”

She writes: “The School of Life exists solely for our awakening; in truth there are no mistakes. When we tune in to the flow that is carrying us along, we begin to notice everything in our lives helping us to wake up. We stop clinging to things we don’t need, and suddenly the people and resources we do need may appear. The more we get out of the way, the more life flows toward and through us. And when things don’t go well, we trust that too. We stop fighting against life and align ourselves with what’s happening and trust that it’s all for our healing and awakening. We begin to pay attention and to understand the lesson in every encounter.”

She has lives that, deep, radical trust that the next step would appear even when she went to her first 10 day meditation retreat just broken up with her boyfriend and with $25 and not knowing what she would do next. I recall her inspiring stories when she was a retreat leader for me: how she was so committed to the path and often had no idea how she was going to fund resources to get to the next retreat, but what she needed came, and her trust in that has inspired me for quite a while now. Reading her wirds softens me so much; and reminds me of the adventures and kindness I might encounter when I travel, too.

She quotes Thomas Merton: “Prayer and love are learned in the hour when prayer becomes impossible and the heart has turned to stone.” I love that and it is very good news because it is about where I feel I am… and yet in the moment if accepting that, I feel so much more relaxed and open to the journey of the rest if my life.

She says, “The ultimate goal of the spiritual path is to uncover the ways we imprison ourselves, to realize that this elaborate system of thinking and behaving is constructed by our own mind.” I am so receptive to her words tonight. I really resonate with the metaphor of imprisonment tonight; it feels like more than a metaphor, it feels all too real.

She tells her students, “Don’t shut down the breakdown. Whatever needs to unravel, let it.” How wonderfully refreshing to hear the suggestion to just let the breakdown happen, to not be afraid of it, to let things unravel. I feel sometimes on the cerge of such a breakdown but reading that it is okay to break down I feel so much more light and free. It could just be the rhythm I am going through but I also think her words are powerful … and that there is still a chance for me to be who I am.

“Don’t shut down the process. Drowning out the voices that are trying to get our attention won’t work either. The highest part of ourselves will keep knocking on our door, saying, “Now is the time to enter the path. It’s why you are here. Remember who you are.” The Great Calling is the first stage of the spiritual path, an archetypal shift. It’s the one call you have to take. It’s lifesaving. Bow to the wisdom of the ancestors and trust the divine intelligence that’s guiding the process.

When you say yes to the call, the people, situations, and opportunities you need to move forward will present themselves at the perfect moment. A thousand invisible hands magically open, each offering you loving support. You might find refuge in a spiritual teacher or set of teachings. Synchronicities may appear through books, images, YouTube videos, and messages from friends. You’re thinking about going to Egypt, and someone shows up at your house with a book on Egypt. Or you’re thinking of quitting your job, and you keep running into people everywhere who have just quit their jobs. Spirits are watching over you. The universe is revealing itself through you.”

I just kind of thought I had already been through this, I thought I had already ‘entered the path’, but maybe the opportunity to begin again has come and… though I do not yet know how to be myself, perhaps the opportunity to find it has come along. As terrifying as all I have been through has been in so many ways, as I read her words, it occurs to me that as tangled up as I feel (she says the Buddha said “The whole world is in a tangle—inner tangles and outer tangles. Who can untangle the great tangle?”) I don’t know if I will be able to untangle it but there is a way that, despite losing myself, I have learned things and released my clinging to things that have kept me imprisoned and… I may wish I were in Mexico or Peru or Thailand, that my shoulder did not hurt, that I had a car and felt free to travel from here to there, that I had someone to snuggle with and feel safe with and have long talks through the night, that all this terrifying stuff had not happened to me, that I had handled everything better, but what if my life is not over yet? (And then a part of me interjects: what does it matter wgen it will be over, it will be, and then what? Death is just pain.) But maybe it is not and there is more for me to learn… and one day I might be grateful for the painful process I have been through? I don’t know.

Before I go to sleep will I meditate, or start listening to And Then There Was Light: Abraham Lincoln and the American Struggle, or maybe read a little more in Spanish? I keep watching little buts at a time of Barton Fink on my iPhone too; I don’t know why but it is good but almost painful to watch, I can’t stuck with it for very long; I feel I am resisting something.

Strangely this is the movie I am in the middle of watching when a deal on the writers’ strike was announced. “We’re only interested in one thing. Can you tell a story, Bart? Can you make us laugh, can you make us cry, can you make us want to break out in joyous song? Is that more than one thing? Okay! The point is…”