Thinking about good things to come

Another night of not doing anything I meant to do.

Sometimes maybe other things just want to get done and there is no helping it. Tonight it was a whole lot of EMDR and it so fascinates me because it often leads to places ai don’t expect; I think I mentioned that it feels like dream fragments arising with some inherent order but really often the most traumatic moments will arise, and though it is clear there is some logic to what arises from one moment to the next, it’s kind of mysterious. Last night I was trying to use EMDR to help with some surface anxiety though it didn’t actually help much at all, with that. It brought up some much deeper stuff that was underneath the surface anxiety. Today I felt this huge shame and self-loathing about something that isn’t inherently shameful but more and more just makes me want to cry. I decided to do EDMR and I kept at it for a really long time. I went back to all these memories right around the time I first felt these feelings of self-loathing and I think I processed memories I never thought I would be able to process. I feel gentler towards myself and the world feels like a gentler place. It is the repression and shame and judgment around compulsions that often make them unbearable and I finally felt like, I can’t take it anymore. I don’t want to be this person. But there must be some reason for all of this!

So then I did EDMR and so many different aspects of the issue seemed like they were resolving. I even felt a little bit of melting in my heart when I was some and felt worthy of love and good things coming to me. Something in me felt new and it is so sad that it has taken so long to really begin to process this. When I do it is not nearly as overwhelming as I was sure it would be if I were found a way through this stuff. Things that have felt so scary suddenly don’t feel nearly so scary right now. The biggest thing still going on is this continuous impatience for who knows what. But this cage around my heart started melting and that felt good. It is strange to suddenly see so many parts of the world that were so scary in a new way.

I did a letting go meditation after that, and I think meditation after EMDR helps to settle things. It is strange to realise I was trapped in trauma and almost had no choice but to act out of it; if I could have done differently, acted differently, seen differently, in a lot of ways I certainly would have, but I could not see clearly, and trauma can be such a prison. I can start new, now, though, and that feels good…

I was thinking also about how one of the most helpful things for me in overcoming depression once was developing a protocol, a list of things, personal prescriptions I gave myself, which included acupuncture and Chinese herbs though I can’t remember what else at the moment. I can develop a protocol for getting through this trauma and EMDR so far feels like it is a huge part of that. Horseback riding, too. I wish I had gotten support to do something like this years ago but how did I even know what I needed or ehat to ask for and who to trust to ask?.

My equine therapist has a background in outdoor education and ecological design, too, both things that interest me greatly, and he says he can share more about that and that it all ties together. He also teaches therapeutic sailing in much the same way that he teaches with horses. I really like his energy and if I would feel safe learning sailing from anyone I think it might be him. But not for a while, anyway, I don’t feel quite ready to conquer that fear, but it would be beautiful if I could… still all sorts of possibilities seem to be opening up and I am really happy about it. I think Inwant to write about these experiences on Medium.

I have my first lesson in about a week, and now he has access to an indoor arena, so I could take lessons any time of year. So, these two things I think might be huge parts of my healing, and I need to make a point to go play with goats, too.

Another thing is songwriting or poetry. I have had this poetry healing book that I keep meaning to open but I think I don’t because I’d rather and it feels more natural to write songs. Oh, my shoulder doesn’t hurt nearly so much now though I am still not sleeping on it very well, and I think I will get back to guitar again. See if I can pick it up again like I pick up Spanish again when I get out of practice. It is just so hard do to do anything with music if I think anyone is listening but maybe healing this trauma is helping me not care so much. I can be discreet anyway when singing my own lyrics. Spanish can be very healing but the learning process can also be a bit stressful in a good way sometimes; so it isn’t immediately therapeutic but being able to flow more in the Spanish language definitely is, and I think going back to Latin America will be.

Tonight instead of watching this training on writing on Medium, which I planned to do, I listened to a couple albums which have been really sweet: Goodnight Summerland by Helena Deland and Big Picture by Fenne Lily. It was really good to listen to such sweet mellow reflective songs after all that EMDR processing. Now I want to read books about songwriting. I also listened to a short EP recorded on 4 track by a thirteen year old that was really cool: Where the Sky Meets You by i wouldn’t remember me either. I am curious to hear more but I can’t even find the album anymore when I try to look it up.

Maybe I will fall asleep listening to music and let it carry me into dreams…