Therapy or hell

All I have to post right now is a first first draft of a dialogue that means nothing except that it is what came out if me. I don’t know who these characters are, why these words are coming out if me, I kniw nothing about their characters and their worlds, but this is a start to thinking maybe about who these characters might be and what story might want to be told and yes this is just a little bit of dialogue, hardly a scene. But it might get ne to start thinking about what comes before, what comes bext, how to turn thus dialogue into a scene with consistent characterisation. I didn’t really try to do much if anything but write the dialoge that wanted to come out though I didn’t know what I was writing. It is silly. Call it therapy for now. It could be seen as the journal entry that wanted to emerge from me today, some kind of event, from start to finish, about some kind of really complicated or not so complicated breakup, I can’t decide which, and I can’t decide if it is just a breakup event I am describing here and how can I make it more of a breakup *scene*, with something really at stake for each character, and some action played in each and every exhange of words. I do not even know what my screenplay is about, this is just the beginning of imagining what it *could* be about, and I have to start with the words that show up in front if me. Probably all of this will be theown away when and if I finish a whole ‘screenplay’ but it was the seed that wanted to start me on my journey into figuring out what was in me that wanted to come out even if it was not the art I wanted to be born. As a scene, there is orobably so mich hilariously wrong with it, and no actor would conclaidsr it playable by anybody because… come on, I really want to know your reasons? Exploring screenwriting is *terrifying* I just lost myself in a flow state such as I have not experienced in a long time when I just committed to putting diwn what is ready to cone out right now and what was ready was this laughable masterpiwce but I got to improvise it, I got to be an actor in writing it as much as I wanted to be and I get to be as much if an actor as I want to be in analyzing it, speaking of which, ine teerifying thing about imagining  ineself as a screenwriter is you’re afraid everyone is going to paychoanalyze you and pick you apart like that character is you, this play is about your life don’t do that it coukd be a screenwriting rule. But say I am in some kind if art school: the benefit if that might be that I then have thei leisure to psychoanalyze myself or do whatever I want with the script I have created and as far as I am concerned I am just fine with it as an expression of sceeen or stage play inprovisation. Letting ourselves laugh together at the idea of this scene as performable, and please let is do, let us ask also: is it better suited to stage ir cinema? It is just fun to read through a text you just imoroved theough and learn a craft through learning what you would constantly change about some root text like this that means something because it is what wanted to emerge in me. I was in a flow writing dialogue and as much as I have longed for things to put me in flow states for so long flow is terrifying and having screenwriting BE this thing that gets me into this terrifying flow and I do mot kniw if it is therapeutic or not, to pass a couple hours like that, and what does my heart want and need, and why does it even matter, and aren’t these wuestions I can ask anout my protagonist ? Do I have one? Is there a guess as to whether, whehther or not this is where the play or screenplay starts, Thomas or Olive will hecome our star ir is this destined to be one of those cherished ensemble films we all rave about LOL but screenwriting is trippy fir me, thinking about it, having no idea why I am doing it because I am so bad at it but it gets me in flow somehow and ideally lets me have fun but I can also imagine how depressing a screenwriter’s work can get, how alone they must feel, when a work that you were so adoring and hoped would work just falls apart… and you put every part of yourself into what you’ve written, no matter how performable it is or not, and you can take yourself to film school by looking at screenwriting process while laughing and learning from your mistakes in an imorov like this and then… what could *improve* it and make it look more like a scene? What do I need to know about who these characters are to even understand what they are saying? Is there even anything going on in the dialogue I just wrote? It brings up images from my day and the fact that these are the words I wrote means I sensed some drama going on, no matter how weak, and certain things can be changed to up the stakes or bring it more in harmony with what it is in the context if the whole sceenplay or stage play, or whatever this is, can I even have friends if I think it would be fun to find people to write and perform dialogue with, even if it is as bad as this? But playing actions iver these words with friends could be the only way I’ll figure out what these characters are doing, but more, what this seed will eventually become even if I throw the whole thing in the dirt. But I can look theough any screenwriting book and find things that help me understand what is improvable about some piece of dialogue and as long as a piece is improvable it is actable or worthy of attempting to act so I can learn more about these characters who may never become anything at all. I habe no idea what the story wirld is yet, if this is just my beginning exploration ir what a story could be, but the dialogue is so weak because I don’t have an idea of what happena here, what it means in the context of the whole. There might not even be any clear objective for each character from beginning to end in this improv seed. Is there? I might not consciously know what that is but maybe I even vaguely conceived them as a character with improvability in being one powerful character with internal consistency. It’s not much of a scene because I don’t know either the characters’ objectives in the scene or their big overarching  superobjective throughout the whole piece so I can’t make what they say fit into something they want and are trying to achieve throughout the whole scene. There has to be something more primary than what is on the surface. But there was some want that wanted to be implicit in the text ir else the words for each character would not have come out if me at all. I can imagine random moments of I’m so depressed or ai’m so paranoid, should I even be flowing with dialogue writing, is this safe? What is communicable theough this dialogue or ‘scene’? Will it lose its power as a source of power for future reflection if I share it just to be like oooh these were the first wirds I write when I tried to write a dialogue and I feel both hopeless and destined to die and in total flow, at the same time, and I don’t know if weiting dialogue is a good thing for me or a bad thing for me, I really don’t and I wonder even more about posting in the internet… so maybe I won’t just yet… maybe sharing it would be me sabotaging my interest in story and just showing off, hey, look, here’s a scene I tried to write that is probably not really a scene at all or could be very improvable as one, anyway. I feel

like mayne the process is having some kind of powerful effect on my psyche regardless and I don’t know if that is a healthy or safe thing ir not. Going deeper and trying to make anreal screenplay would be dangerous. This could be therapy ir this could be hell and I just don’t know but I think I will read this over and reread said text again myself before I think of aharing it.