Tears

Oh, yeah, this is going to be hard. Feeling things again, I mean. I haven’t really felt alive, the usual sorts of emotions of life, in such a long time. I have been numb and life has been colourless and I have felt like if I experienced grief I wouldn’t be able to feel it. I have been making progress and I’ve told myself I am going to be okay but I don’t really believe it because I couldn’t feel the emotions I needed to feel to actually connect with anyone at all. And now that I do it feels too late, either because of a part of me that is certain others won’t accept me, as I am, and as I have been, or it’s too late to accept myself, and so maybe I could never accept the love of others deeply into my heart if it were offered. May feeling never be a wasted gift…

I am scared (and yet feel less traumatized) because it feels like feeling things again is going to be so hard and scary but after tears fell on my cheek I watched Sinead O’Connor sing Molly Malone and cried such a relieving cry and I l never thought I would cry again.

The song has always moved me and there has always been something special about the Molly Malone statue (on the corner of Grafton Street?) in Dublin to me. I think maybe now I understand just a little bit why I always dissociated when going to Ireland and yet still kept yearning to return. Molly. Malone. O’Connor. All really significant names from my childhood, and now I feel like if I could heal the shame I have in me for all my actions I might be able to go back to Ireland and actually melt. I ask myself, why does it seem that grace happens when it is too late?

I just feel from the moment I begin to feel healed and find my innocence again and get tomthe roots of all this endless drama thatnit is too sad to feel anything because I have wasted my life and my chance to feel at all good sbout myself in any way. Yet this song does something to me and… yeah, I actually just cried. I feel so open, in my heart, but so alone and that hurts so much. I am afraid of feeling but in the moment if hearing the song all is well. It just, what happens now? I don’t know if I have it in me to do this caring thing. It hurts too much. But I will take the little victories where I get them and from the perspective of the courageous parts of me today was certainly that…