Starting to untangle interpersonal issues

There are sooo many new and terrifying ways I could journal if I started writing about sex, love, and related addictions as having an impact on my life, It helps to recover from an addiction if you identify with the addiction. So I want to do the scary and taboo thing and say that I have a sex, romance, fantasy addiction. Is that more stigma than healing will offer benefits? I hope not, but I don’t know. Everything going on in my life is too scary and bizarre. I have an abuse history and much of this exhibits itself as anorectic, meaning depriving myself incessantly from opportunities to connect intimately while claiming profusely from many parts of my being that I really really want that. Someone in one piece of literature I am reading describes it like a log in a brook with two ends and sometim s the pressure has the water come out one end (anorectic, depriving, hiding, running away), and other times the other end (active addiction to relationships or tomance or other people) and sometimes needs overflow such that both sides flow at once. I know those times they are torment and I am kind of experiencing some of that now though I wouldn’t have a way of seeking active release to this addiction if I tried.

I tell myself I do not know what intimacy is, where to find it, I am just horrible at knowing where to look for it, yet if the potential for it was right before my eyes would I notice it? I am ambivalent about identifying as having a sex addiction (that is more fantasy or romance addiction for me but both cross heavily into realms you could talk about in terms of sexuality and so in terms of sex addiction) but to heal it can be helpful to go all the way and identify with something because then you get to journal about it and yes, a lot revolves unnecessarily around sexual thoughts and ideas, and I don’t really like that, especially the control that seems to have over way too many areas of my life.

I am reading a book that suggests how beneficial it is to separate sexual, romantic, fantasy, and relationship addiction (which I guess could mean addiction to a specific relationship or addiction to relationships in general). In any case I have a whole lot around these themes that would be really super healing to write about if I could get over my terrifying fears that nothing I do will change the cage I feel so constructed in now into any more degree of freedom. It is important to separate sexual, romantic, fantasy, and relationship addiction but exploring how they interrelate anyway could be a whole lot of healing and I’m not sure anyone can understand this because I have spent so mych of my life steering clear of relationships ehile letting other parts of me get obessed by them in what are not nevessarily healthy ways. I have no idea right now even where it starts, what is this ickiness, confusion, pain, terror going on in my life right now?

Dear God please do not let things get scarier but they could because my whole hopeless quest for healing in these areas kight be derailed by so e yet bigger crisis in my life. I do not know what comes next or what I will realise but i am scared and the issues these subjects bring up right now make me also feel so vulnerable and scared. I untie the knots and see my innocence but I tremble in fear that no one else will. I do not know what it will take to trust another human being in the ways that I jeed to trust to feel intimacy. Am I getting in my own way or are others getting in my way? Is there any chance for me to be happy and hey universe if you want to show me what is up now in a kind, gentle way, I don’t mind at all, and I would welcome it. Just treat me kindly please…