Spanish

I just decided to check my text messages and there was the kind of affirmation that feels really good from someone I just met: “you are adorable and sweet.” Those are things that feel good to hear about myself especially since it was said at a time when I felt I had no right talking because I was a complete mess up and wanted to run away from everything because I am a loser. I don’t give myself any credit, I am aware of this. But yeah, you forget that anyone can see those things in you. Maybe not quite enough to lift me up into a modicum of self-respect nevermind confidence but still something.

The idea that people can see you in that kind of way at all is really… almost comforting? I have been feeling such anxiety around thoughts along the lines that nobody could see anything good in me, and it’s good not to rely on validation like that, but still it really does help me feel a wee bit less alone in the world… and less harsh on myself about other failings, I mean, if I can still be adorable and sweet, after all. Those might be some of the top feel good words to hear about myself. It makes feeling so alone hurt just a little bit less, feel just a little but less personal (though it doesn’t always help when I don’t take things personally, because then I see it as a social/ststemic problem and get depressed about the world).

Anyway, like I was saying, tiny tiny steps into connecting, into trusting, and I may not know who I am right now with other people, but maybe that is okay, and I need to take little steps back into trusting my social self again. There is not immediately going to be flow, I need practice connecting with people first, and maybe eventually I find someone I click with who helps me feel a little less alone in a certain way, and slowly I transform from having no sense of belonging to anything to being more and more confident in who I am around other people (I want to be around). These words somehow help me feel just a little bit more receptive to connection. My life can feel like a total and complete mess and I can be so lonely and like nothing I say or do is tight and yet people can still say such things. Probably wouldn’t if they got to know me for a few more minutes, but still, it helps, and it does help with the more immediate anxiety about being way too much of a freak for the world. A little bit of acceptance makes a huge difference and I am grateful to be seen in such a way.

Man, it is the middle of the night, I want to read this book in Spanish. I haven’t done anything with Spanish for too long so I’m back to reading really slowly again but it is good, I think maybe I get even more out of these books when I read them in Spanish even though they were originally in English. I get so much satisfaction out of reading and engaging in Spanish. When I heard someone speaking in Spanish today, having a really respectful kind of not talking down to conversation with a little kid who might have been hers, I just felt ky anxiety levels drop. When I am around Spanish my anxiety levels drop; I was just thinking engaging in Spanish is one thing I could do at just about any time to relax my nervous system. It’s just that it ferls like Spanish was kind of taken away from me right after I got back to the US from Mexico in what became one of the hardest times of my life. I still feel the immediate nervous system relief but I am afraid that my neurology got messed with and now deep down Spanish is going to be a trigger and retraumatise me. I am afraid it is going to remind me of the person who tried to take it away from me and who horrified me out of my mind, rather than all the good associations thay came before that.

Maybe I am adorable and sweet when I speak Spanish. Maybe I feel like a social outcast who can’t do anything right because I am not speaking Spanish. Maybe I am naturally. lot more social when I am immersed in Spanish. Maybe this has something to do with what I am meant to be doing with my life: if do what you love carries any meaning at all, what I take from that is… Spanish. I feel like in Spanish I might have some idea how to be a lover. In English I have no clue and it terrifies me. In English I am a mess and emotions overwhelm me as I try to come up with words. In Spanish I am safe. In Spanish the words do not have the capacity to trigger me like the ones in English do. In English I think I have more of a tendency to want to lash out or to be less sensitive intentionally or otherwise about what I am saying and how it might be perceived. In Spanish my emotional and my rational ways of knowing are much more integrated.

And yet I resist immersing myself in my love of Spanish. Resist letting myself feel delighted with competency. Why? It seems whenever I dedicate myself to something I love it gets taken away from me. It is hard to pick myself up and try again. Maybe it is telling me something, how natural it is to be around Spanish, how much better I feel when I am in hispanic cultures. If I want to feel better, why not just feel better? I mean, no, it is not that easy, but considering how powerful Spanish is for me, there is a lot I can do and it would probably make a huge difference in my life.