Processing

It’s okay to be who I am. It takes some time to process the hurt but reflecting on the meeting yesterday I see lots of opportunities to be gentle with myself. I have too much of a tendency to care how others see me but the truth that isn’t necessarily a bad thing is that most will not. Most won’t have time to be there for me in the way my old retreat leader seems to think I want or need and that’s okay too. It sounded like they were saying, in this community you won’t find people to be there for you because nobody really likes you. I am okay with that and understand the reasons for that. It is hard to be sensitive to things and sense that others do not quite see you accurately or at all but it’s nice to finally be free of feeling like I need to keep both myself and the misconceived ideas others likely have about me in mind when relating to people.

There are old patterns of wanting to prove myself to those who do not get me which isn’t in any way helpful. They have seen you a certain way in the past and you are never going to escape from that perception no matter how hard you try to show you’re different now, and any amount of trying that happens just makes a fool out of me. I wish I had been less attached to being seen and understood when I first discovered that place.  I deserve more than to fight to be included in a place that is not actually a fit for me. I am not good in situations where I know every quirk and every bit of awkwardness or discomfort I feel and the way I move and my facial expressions are all being analyzed in some way by someone looking out for a red flag.

My old retreat leader said there may be some who stick around, and for whatever reason pointed out one example, most won’t, and they don’t have time for you. In other words are you telling me in advance what my experience would be if I went on retreat, that regardless of anything nobody who shows up there is really going to want me though one or two may stick around just because that’s the kind of people they are? It was pretty much like telling me, you’re already out, and it feels clear they came into this meeting not wanting me back. Then I proved I was a basketcase.

I guess I get how this place works: people share in confidence on retreat and if someone was hurt by me and they express it that way lots of people are going to know the situation from their perspective and there is a good chance you will never be told about it because their experience is confidential and they shared it with others when you weren’t around. This will change the way those people interact with you when they see you and nobody will be direct with you and you’ll never really find out ehy people are interacting with you the way they are.

Even in this meeting I let it out and said too much about something that, I *feared* at times may not have been well-intended but here I was and everyone was kind at the start of the meeting so I was like it was silly to think that and I opened up and said something that, if well taken, might have relieved some of my fears, but it was in retrospect so inappropriate unless I *wanted* to be rejected. There was no way that was going to be understood and my feelings appreciated. I shared way too much and ended up looking like a fool. I should have let them take the lead, instead I took control of the agenda and said what would have felt good to share if I could have gotten empathy for it, but none of what I brought up really had to do with the real issue at hand of whether I was ready to return to that place. And yeah, the fact that I would say something unthinkingly that would make my retreat leader uncomfortable, that I would use this time to express old hurts I had rather than focusing on where I am now, maybe I just can’t help be a mess with them and I need to be kind to myself and just let it be over.

I was trying to say I felt silly for this fear I had that someone was doing something wrong but I mentioned what the thing was that I thought was not okay and maybe that’s why they came out with, can I be open about something personal you shared on retreat? Choosing to trust them, I said yes, and then they were like, oh, by the way, that made people uncomfortable. And suddenly everyone in the room saw me a certain way and I’m sure totally misread all of my reactions from that point forward. Tat for tat, maybe. You made me uncomfortable, I’ll do it too. And I didn’t mean it, I wasn’t thinking. But maybe this is exactly ehy it is so not a good fit. I am sorry I’m so awkward, and in such a meeting if I expected or wanted to be allowed to return I should never have said that. It was a horrible meeting as far as showing that I could be considerate of others and not make anyone uncomfortable because I’m pretty sure I made everyone uncomfortable.

So probably I screwed up and expressed something like so wildly inappropriate and that I should have been discerning about *if* I wanted a chance to go back there. I didn’t realize but should have that pointing out something that made me scared of them in this meeting, just because I wanted to get everything that was bothering me off my chest, probably made them uncomfortable and probably  made them all decide yeah this place really isn’t right for me. It is probably why they took that jab at me, bringing up something I said in private and making me look like a fool to everyone. Pointing out this thing that happened that still had some charge to it, being honest about my feelings, turns out wasn’t what they wanted to hear. They were telling me what my experience would be if I did come back. I am really fine now if I send an email to 30 people and no one answers. Maybe I should have taken that as a sign a long time ago. I don’t think they have any idea how aware I am that I have made others uncomfortable. And I have been uncomfortable too…

It is frustrating to me that I am not just told, people don’t like you, people have issues with you. I know it is true but I don’t get told that. Instead it is repeated to me what I hoped to express I am well aware of, that I have made people uncomfortable but if they heard what I thought I said directly to them I am aware of this and feel awful about this, but this meeting made me realise maybe there is just no way to stop making people uncomfortable or to stop feeling uncomfortable myself. But I went and said ‘it’s my truth’ in a way that sounded antagonistic and like my ‘truth’ matters more to me than other people’s comfort and it doesn’t and nothing about me came across at all in this meeting. I am glad if it wasn’t a good fit I know that now but I wish I didn’t make such a fool of myself in the process.