Please, world, change…

I got scared enough to turn on my phone and try calling my mother. She did send me a couple texts over the last week saying she couldn’t sleep or eat and about calling the police to do a wellness check on me or something (like we all knows what happens when the police get involved thanks to her husband’s manipulation of police to abuse me but thank goodness I am in Puerto Rico where I am much less afraid that a supposed wellness check will turn into disaster). Maybe I should have waited longer to try to contact her but I was actually worried that if she did figure things out he might try to hurt my dog as a last ditch effort to hurt me so I had to call her to find out something and all I found out was that though she says she couldn’t sleep or eat it was really business as usual around there and of course he probably loves that she wants to get the police involved when she’s worried about me and she has no idea how awful that is.

I was kind of thinking or hoping she would get scared for me and start getting suspicious that the other two were *not* or that her being worried and their not being worried would turn into some kind of fight that would shed light on things but I guess not and I am just exhausted from that supposed family and I know the culprits are going down but I am so tired and when can I talk to my mother again, when will things be okay, and when will she realize that when I am upset about things like this it is not because there is something messed up in my mind but in the mind of the person she married? I am so exhausted with all of this and I know it’s going to end, of course I have hope, there is no question he is going down, but why can’t I see it happening now, and why is it so hard to wait?

She doesn’t have any real conversations with either of them though and they have her programmed in a way to not worry about things that are appropriate to worry about so of course nothing has changed there yet though I wish with everything in me that it would. Though she says she believes me that she will eventually find out what a creep he is, she’s stuck in that awful place until she does, and I told her it hurts too much to talk to her when she doesn’t believe me about real horrors and real violence inflicted by people in her house at least enough to consider taking action and getting herself out of there.

So, now I don’t know what to do, because talking to her with those others in her house and when I am not believed that something sick and disgusting and totally unacceptable (or lots of them rather) have happened, is too hard and too draining and when I have her number blocked I can at least imagine that maybe something has changed and we are safer because she’s figured him out at least a little bit. I am fine, it’s her husband that is unwell, but nothing can be said because his every move is calculated to protect himself from her noticing how violent he is and to try to silence my voice. It won’t be long now, I’m sure, but do I really have to block my mother’s number until she realizes how bad this is and that I am innocent and we both deserve safety and protection and he deserves jail? When will this change, when will she figure out that something is not right here, and whatever it is, is not me?