I must be on acid

I was with my mother at a store that advertises with a smiling white-moustached Scotsman in plaid: “when the fancy stores see our cheap prices, I’m gonna get kilt!!!” I showed her a book called blowout that had an orange sticker on it for $3.99 and I told my mother: I wonder if Maddow’d be up for the crime. I do not think she caught my drift.

Anyway there is this fantastically cool teacher named Alex Baisley who I admire from afar and who so generously offered me free coaching on pethaps exactly what I might eventually need to find myself again after getting so irrationally jealous — I was at an internet cafe on O’Connell Street in Dublin when I talked to him, through Skype, I think. I just remember him being one of the kindest, coolest guys I can imagine.

Pretending of course that I am not afraid of sharks and being more than three feet deep with my entire body in the ocean, let us just say if I imagine the sensations of scuba diving off the coast of Ireland (with a weysuit one would hope!) the way they are in my dreams and wildest imagination longings of getting to scuba dive off the coast of Ireland for a *living* I am so jealous of Alex getting to do that though I would in actuality be too terrified to do anything like it. He is such a cool guy and I hope he is not offended by my endorsement — he’s in the UK right now, I think, looking for peeps to hang with so hit him up (if you are not on his email list this us sooo gonna fly over your head). Anyway, he feels like a mentor to me and he tave me something like the most pure, gentle, spiritual transmissions I have ever received from a human being. Maybe if anyone has ever shaktipatted me it would be Alex. How he helped me be gentle with myself, sad and lonely and feeling like the universe was targeting me when Ireland had felt like exactly where my heart needed to be… and then to have all that fall apart from the moment I stepped off the bus from the airport nearabouts the all too familiar halfpenny bridge on the River Liffey paces from Temple Bar and all that jazz. I wish I could remember more details of our chat and what he offered me which was my gentlest modt grounded experience of using energy healing to… I don’t know, help me with exactly what I was going theough, and Alex really helped. (OMG I COULD BE *IN* the water for a living, why don’t neurotypicals tell you these things??!??!!)

So I have been holding one of his most precious pieces of feedback at some distance, the idea to help people learn how to learn, or how to design their own education, I guess could be envisioned as some kind of workshop that could be monetized and if I could monetize what I am meant to do in the form of a workshop or interactive experience that prople will pay for and my goodness how much has Alex more than anyone else given me hope that me just being in the flow is monetizable. If I were as talented as Alex I could literally just go to the UK and say on my email list hey let’s do something together and I could be maybe be leading a workshop tomorrow.

The idea was still so vague: teach particularly adults how to guide their own education and have fun with the experience or something. I guess it was the vision I had in mind, to just help people love learning, and as I remember Alex was just so confident, more than I could ever be until it happens, that I could find my way into the flow of a purpose and something I was just made to do and monetizing them in the ideal form: interactive experiences with other humans which I dig because that is making money while healing alienation and having so much fun. I just had to stop what I was doing to write this because I maybe discovered how to go deeper with that idea.

So this kilted man comes into the picture because I was at this store today and while it was really fun looking through their selection of books I thought I would die if I were forced to survive doing something like working behind a counter of a store like that for some company I don’t know. And then I keep putting off Spanish immersion even though I delight in it almost like water and make this is where the conversation was actually going. People will pay to heal alienation, to connect with others and make lifelong friends, and I don’t exactly know how to facilitate a workshop container on my own but if I could get help and support around not freaking out about doing that, which would mean figuring out how to get into a much more grounded space and finding a partner I resonated with who had fun doing this sort of thing. I am sure there are ways to make it work so that I feel like I have support in doing it.

Now I am starting to doubt my original idea or it has lost some of its original clarity and I am doubting whether this insight is really worth writing about or if it’s just another impractical idea that I will probably never figure out how to get support to actuallty learn how to take leadership and make something like this happen.

Despite all the obstacles… what if for the moment I just say regardless of whether I could in my wildest dreams put together the kind of workshop I am dreaming of even without that as a source of income I would soooo pay to go to experiences like: SWIM while speaking only in Spanish or cuddle while speaking Spanish and I sort of imagined the whole world being like oooooooh swimming while speaking Spanish, that’s an experience, and now I am like, lots of people across Latin America and the United
States do that all the time, that’s not an experience!!! But it would be if it were like I envision it. The number of people interested in having fun in Spanish at that level and the number of people interested in swimming has to be a miniscule intersection but… it felt so free flowing and fun and monetizable when it first came to mind. Sunset on the beach in Spanish. Free Spanish immersion experiences are not easily findable or at any time existent really unless you want to jump in the deep end and we need relaxing containers for playing in languages together and I cannot imagine a world that would not pay for that kind of experience, I just have no faith in myself being able to do that, but thanks to some enchantingly mystical romantic nights in Europe, that seems to be exactly how I imagine myself when I am imagining my life in the flow. And I think that dream is a heaven I will never achieve the likeness of again if it ever was. Even in Paradise.

And yet I wonder: design experiences helping adults (or children) have fun learning Spanish in settings where they can have fun and where the Spanish practically learns itself while you’re laughing so hard about that thing your friend just said to you that was more hilarious than she knows though her Spanish is very good I promise. It sounded like a good idea but now I’m thinking, how monetizable is that, and it is a gamble: ¿what happens to my life when I prioritize español? Do I fret at never having the time or experience to be an expert translator and never being able to not do this and not do that. Do I go for that goal, if goals are worth having, or is there something more important to be doing right now?