Healing trauma

Sometimes I want to write at the end of the day. Sometimes I feel more productive when I write more towards the beginning of the day and though it is almost 3:30 PM this is kind of it for me.

Okay, so almost a couple hours have passed and ai guess I didn’t feel totally up to writing. I have been processing some powerful stuff the last couple days eith EMDR. I have been approaching it from a lot of different angles: first I did the fear/phobia protocol for… I don’t even remember what, then anxiety a few times, last night I did the addiction protocol, and today I did grief and loss. The last two have been really powerful in the sense of a lot of root issues have been dug up but I don’t know if they are actually being resolved. It is going to take a little while to figure that out but I think I need to be gentle with myself right now. A lot of stuff hurts. I did not expect that I would go through a series of memories throughout my life all connected to the same sorts of feelings of fear and abandonment. I did not realise how closely connected so many of these experiences were, so I can kind of process and heal them all at once.

I didn’t expect to go back to my first love as a root of so many of these issues though I am sure they go back further than that. I started feeling the things I felt then and I have not gone back to those earlier feelings in a very long time. I realised when I don’t process trauma, it builds up; I may think I am dealing with it but I may actually be triggering it, confusing hurting again with healing, or mistakenly thinking that feeling the hurt deeply enough through reexperiencing it is going to heal the original issues… but I guess you have to go back and heal at the root, or try as you might, the same sort of stuff has a tendency to keep hurting you no matter how you try.

I can’t exactly to expect to feel good right now. But I can have the intention and hope that I will feel better and find my way to the light. I have had so many emotions that have been repressed for so long and so many shadow aspects of myself that I have not acknowledged so having it all come up at once is kind of intense but I aim to be gentle with myself. I can get through this and when the same thing is not hurting me over and over again anymore my life can get better in ways I did not imagine it could.

Where I am right now, I have been too scared to go there, but all sorts of traumas throughout my life feel a little more processed now. I guess it is called the ripple effect: you start dealing with some of the more powerful ones and others start healing too because they are all connected one way of another even if they seem unrelated. It’s fascinating how I discover connections between hard feelings and experiences at different times of my life that I didn’t know were there. Again I am just going to be gentle with myself tonight because this is hard stuff.

Sometimes it is hard to know whether the universe is on my side, but when I am living out of my trauma, it feels like it definitely is not; and when I start to heal the trauma, a lot of things start to feel less personal or they don’t affect me as much even when they are. In trauma it is hard to know what I am seeing clearly and what not; and I tend to make a lot of judgments of what people are doing and why that may not be at all correct nut the trauma tells me for sure it is happening. Sometimes it is nice to have affirmations from people who care that what the trauma is telling me is not real, even though I feel like as a result of the trauma, I have messed a lot of things up…

There are just so many things I would do differently, so many ways I would see differently, if I wasn’t living out of trauma, and realising the reprecussions of doing so all this time… it hurts. There is a lot that hurts. I don’t know if I could have chosen differently, in a lot of ways, and often life just came at me unexpectedly and ai felt so powerless in the face of it. I hate those feelings. I don’t want to feel that anymore. I don’t want to feel like I am bad for having the trauma and then even more bad for the feelings I had as a result of the trauma. I want to be gentle with myself and I want to heal.