Giving myself credit
Today (yesterday now as I finished writing the following day) I went to another 90 minute yoga class followed by 60 minutes of pilates. They both feel amazing. I was frustrated with my body today though, especially with issues around the top of my left leg at the hip and my back at the top of my pelvis. The very top of my hip bone and the very bottom. When I kick my left leg in the air in a certain way there is an uncomfortable popping sound which I kind of remember having a long time ago but I forgot about it. At the top I get a sharp pain like I am overextending it if I don’t come down very slowly from spine strengthening postures. I don’t know where the issue at the bottom of my hip comes from but the top is from when I overextended myselfor pinched a nerve lifting a bicycle. I am hopeful that with time everything will heal or at least get better but I so was not before I rediscovered yoga! Sam keeps talking about how with all sorts of issues research holds that you heal faster without surgery. He says he once accidentally said that to a friend on the day of his surgery…
I was expecting Sam to lead Pilates (Sam says physical therapy wants to take credit for Pilates, LOL, why doesn’t Pilates gets the credit for Pilates?). It was another guy whose class is a little faster and harder to follow but still good. I can’t plank much or well because that more than any other pose is how I could reinjure my shoulder and he said in class for everyone to give me some slack, I just finished 90 minutes of yoga. He didn’t know that the reason I couldn’t plank is not yoga so much as a shouder injury. It would be so easy to reinjure myself eight now by planking so I’ma just avoid it. Oh, it’s not like anyone was judging me or being hard on me, it’s just something he said.
I was going to try the yoga nidra meditation that Sam keeps raving about but after Pilates I was kind of too tired for a third one anyway even if it is all just lying down and doing nothing. I was going to go but when an $18 delivery order came in that wouldn’t get me back in time for class I decided I was done and I wouls try yoga nidra another time. I did my first few deliveries in a really long time. I checked my DoorDash stats: a 4.97 customer rating, and 59 reviews: 58 five star reviews to one theee star review. 14 thumbs up for order handling, 12 for communication, 11 for friendliness, and 9 for following directions. Almost 500 lifetime deliveries. I didn’t think it was that much, wow.
I was just thinking about not giving myself enough credit. Maybe some people think I am cocky and full of myself but I really feel like an imposter at pretty much everything no matter how good I am at it. I never let myself feel good at something. Even if there is a one in a million chance that the person I am talking to knows more than me or is better than I am at something I still act like they know everything and I know nothing. So many of my biggest social issues come down to acting like everybody else has all the answers but I don’t. It doesn’t matter if someone has never heard a word of German in their life, if they ask me to explain it to them or speak it to them I diminish myself and a part of me functions as though they know everything and I know nothing. I wonder if maybe I’m kind of done doing that.
I have 5 star Lyft and Uber ratings too. I don’t feel above average or exceptional in anything or at least nothing that anybody cares about and yet I have shown that I am really capable in all sorts of ways and am above aversge when I try something when I choose to be, though none of these comparisons matter. Since DoorDash requires a rating of 4.7 to be considered a ‘top dasher’, I am guessing 4.97 which is based on your last 100 deliveries (my rating was 5 for a long time, if I recall, who gave me the three rating just to mess me up?) is kind of the top of the top and so what it is just making deliveries but I do not give myself credit for being anywhere near as good as anyone else and yet the facts simply state that I probably am and that is just weird. I realised that is probably true of a lot of things I don’t give myself credit for.
When am I going to let go and just let it be? It doesn’t matter if anyone believes in me or understands me, maybe, I can believe in myself. I think everyone is capable of so much and we don’t get enough credit for what it takes just to be alive but what is the point of discouraging anyone, anyway? Why can’t we all just follow our dreams? I believe in anyone who is doing that. It is just that I had this dream of writing online in community and I have been thinking about the note oharablues left here before deleting their accoint. I want to share my feelings somewhere real and Open Diary, a place where you can ideally share your feelings online without judgment, , was the first real community for me. But then some people say never ever share your feelings online, just don’t do it, people will hurt you with it. I wonder if that has already happened to me but I can’t connect cause with effect. How terrified should I be of the consequences of sharing my feelings online? Where do you share your feelings? As oharablues invited me to consider, some place real. But where is that?
People tell you how long it will take to learn things and how much experience especially in terms of time you need to be good at it and none of that is true. Now I am catching up and learning the things I was too scared to learn, I just wish I had someone to learn things eith, because as a commenter said, time spent learning is never wasted, but sometimes time spent in a relationship feels like it is, and therefore it would be nice to find someone I like to learn things with.
I have been watching an online course in physics from Yale on YouTube. When antimatter was discovered, the discoverer was really looking to understand the behaviour of electrons, but he stumbled upon anti-matter instead. Key to that discovery was the fact that he was doing a quadratic equation with energy on the left side of the equation. Quadratic equations, as we know from algebra, have two solutions, sometimes imaginary ones. In this case the solution for energy had a positive number and a negative number. Is negative energy possible? It turns out it is, and thus he discovered anti-matter. At least that is how I’m remembering the small bit of the lecture where he points this out.
It is amazing how you can know so much about an object’s position, velocity, and acceleration from math alone. You don’t need to know anything about physics except the conceptual relationship where velocity is change of position and accelleration is change in velocity. And voila, out of math alone, just taking derivatives, we have an entire equation that explains the movement of an object through time. All we really need to know is that objects acellerate at 9.8 m/s^2 as they fall and suddenly we can predict, at least on a Newtonian level, all sorts of things about the movement of objects through space and in the derivation of this equation it almost feels as though physics and math are one. Wow, I just noticed how much velocity sounds like philosophy when I think these things in my head. Oh, hey, this equation I am doing predicts an imaginary number, will you go out with me and explore what it might mean?