Feeling hopeful

I was feeling really out of sorts today. I couldn’t concentrate or figure out anything I wanted to do (though I did download To Do app called Me+ that should help. Timing what I do with Toggl is helpful but then on days like today my brain is too discombobulated to even think of anything to do at all so I just flounder and get nothing done. I listened to a little bit of music by the Uruguayan musician and actor Jorge Drexler and really enjoyed it. I want to listen to him more. I feel strangely calm, centered, uplifted right now after doing my first virtual EMDR session and I honestly found it quite incredible.

I focused as a target on all the trauma I have been through over the past year. The platform was really helpful and guided me to write down all the relevant aspects of it. I just felt distraught and hopeless and like the next wave of turbulance to come would knock me down. So unresilient. Now I am feeling parts of myself I haven’t felt in a long time in a good way. I am having positive memories of renaissance faires come up for some reason.My distress level for the events went from 10 to just 5 after running through four or five five minute sessions of eye movement. Homestly I don’t even know if I would call it a 5 because it is kind of hard to feel the distress at all. But intuitively I am sure it is still there and it feels kind of like a 5. Much less than yesterday. I love that it is like journaling too and you get little records of each of your sessions and what you processed and how you felt afterwards. I think the journaling aspect helped me more than sharing these things with an EMDR therapist would have.

It has been replaced with a sense of wellbeing like I haven’t felt in such a long time… and I am curious what will happen further out from the session. What if I do this every day for a week? I can’t imagine. I have hope that some of this trauma can start to heal. How will I feel tomorrow? I am excited because I can use this to work on pretty much anything I can imagine! If I do this every day I have such hope of feeling better in ways I haven’t in a long time. Today I focused on anxiety and fear and my trigger was so many of the things I experienced over the past year. I feel much more resilient, less scared of bad things happening or more able to handle them if they do.

I was feeling distraught earlier today, because I am not going to be around much but I really want to try this equine therapy with a practitioner who specialized in people with neurodivergence and trauma. I thought, I am not going to be around enough to get anything out of it! The thought of this thing that is supposed to make me feel better just made me feel anxious. What, I go once and in the session I probably won’t even get to ride a horse! That made me anxious because I was so desperate for immediate healing (and immediate riding!) but now I feel like any sessions I am able to go to will be beneficial and I am not stressed about it anymore. It is just another great opportunity. Suddenly in the middle of the EMDR session I got excited about just going to whatever equine sessions I can while I am here. When I am away, maybe I can ride horses too, elsewhere, but when I am here even if I can’t go every week or even every other week I can still get something out of equine therapy! That shifted from the EMDR: I realize healing is possible and getting to just have one or teo sessions with the horses before I go away is not the end of the world. I will be away for a little more than two weeks. Then I cam come back and have a couple more equine therapy sessions. I even feel inspired to go back and play with goats! What if I made a day of it: equine therapy followed by goat cuddles!

None of this stuff would occur to me if ai hadn’t done the EMDR. My intuition shuts doen in fight/dlight/freeze mode and I get stressed thinking about these things I really want to do instead of feeling uplifted. Now I feel, wow, just one session of EMDR is so helpful and I now somehow realize that it is not a big deal if I am away a lot and can’t commit to lots of equine therapy right now. I think he wants me to come to the barn to visit and check out the place before I start, anyway. I think I will do that really soon. So, yay, I suddenly feel like I have some tools that will really help me with trauma.

Today I had a strange dream that felt good but made me feel guilty upon waking up: I am standing in the driveway with someone I liked in high school and she puts a yellowish piece of cloth or something over the back of my neck. I don’t know exactly ehat it means but I went from feeling guilty for having that dream to finding nourishment in it thanks to Virtual EMDR.

I think I really prefer doing this without a therapist because I find I don’t really need the guidance: I just flow to whatever needs to be processed and it is like remembering a series of dream fragments that must be coming up in order for a reason though it’s kind of mysterious. I need support sometimes (as I will get when I do ewuine therapy) but with this I feel good on my own. Some things came up that I did not expect to be connected to the trigger I brought up today and it is interesting to notice how it unfolds. It is interesting to watch the process. I think having experience with meditation makes a big difference in my being able to do this without a therapist. Knowing how to trust the process that comes up is also helpful.

It reminds me of a couple other things I explored in the past, like EFT and matrix reimprinting, but this honestly so far feels way more powerful than EFT and I didn’t get to matrix reimlrinting enough to get results. I like recognising how all these traumatic triggers and things associated with them are really like a network of all sorts of associations and what is going to want to come up for healing is kind of a mystery until it happens. But at the end I feel bright and clear in ways I did not expect. Still kind of on the anxious side but it feels easier to handle and not so connected to all that pain.

It doesn’t quite feel complete without saying this: I feel such empathy for people who are going through trauma especially in isolation. It is not our fault but it is often made to feel like everything is our fault, People will steer clear of traumatised people and distressed people and even lonely people. We are often expected to live up to other people’s patterns of being, and if we don’t, we’re out. People do not want to treat us as humans sometimes, and their ‘concern’ overweighs any sense of being treated with humanity and respect. Simply being told, I am here for you if you need to talk; you might not approve of how a traumatized person is acting but you can still be there for them.

Don’t underestimate the difference that a bit of actual attention and kindness can make for a person going through severe pain. My sense is that a lot of people just want nothing to do with people who have been traumatized; let them figure it out on their own or nothing. Kindness and love can work wonders though that is the last thing that occurs to some people to offer. Do not treat us like there is anything wrong with us. Do not make us feel like we are a problem or recommend counselors unsolicited; but is you are a community who cares, and you welcome traumatized people as you welcome anyone else, first of all, you may be making a huge contribution to a situation that could end up getting a whole lot worse, and not only for the traumatised person, also for those we interact with: we can fall into no man’s land and total isolation and spiral ever further downwards but with a little kindness it is so not necessary. We just need to know there is nothing to be scared of, sometimes, but often, sadly, there is; people do not know how to be compassionate towards trauma in the nitty gritty of it. They run away from it and treat the traumatized person as a problem. I do not know why as this is where a simple dose of understanding and gentleness and care could make the biggest difference.

I am so grateful that I have been loved in my trauma after having so many experiences where it felt unsafe to even be traumatised and I felt stigmatised for so much that was not my fault. Giving a person a chance can work wonders. It makes such a world of difference I can’t believe everyone who cares about world change is no doing it. Being there for traumatised people does change the world; whole communities not being there, not so much as saying hi, once in a while, can be so detrimental. I am grateful to have found community that cares and that does not make me feel less than for my issues, and I am so grateful I was able to stumble upon things like equine therapy while communing at a table over a meal with friends, not… some kind of requirement that someone who does not love me insists is necessary if I am to rectify myself to fit into this or that group. It’s sadly not about wanting you to be supported, for your own sake, or they might offer some modicum of support themselves. They prefer to wash their hands of us. A bit of real human concern can intercept real harm to themselves and others before it happens. I know now what a difference it makes and those who are just scared of trauma are missing out on something really beautiful. I want to support people in trauma and I want to change the world.

They want you to tow the line, to fit in, in some kind of way that does not ripple the waters, it seems, and that is not unconditional belonging, nor is it helpful for the traumatised person. We can help traumatized people, though — that is not the sole arena of the professionals! Traumatized people and people healing from trauma can help traumatized people. You don’t know what an incredible difference you are making in just being a friend.