Everything I hate and adore

“I know a disease that these doctors can’t treat
you contract on the day you accept all you see
is a mirror and a mirror is all it can be
a reflection of something we’re missing…”
— Bright Eyes

I feel like I have lived several lifetimes since I last wrote on Open Diary, but then, I guess living in Puerto Rico can do that to you. When people ask me why I am in Puerto Rico I guess I always tell them: “I was going to go to Colombia, but I ‘lost’ my passport,” which is a whole adventure story all on its own, and now I feel like I need to fill up pages with words again to start to integrate everything that has happened to me over the past few months. I have been writing to process my days but now I feel like I need a place to process my experience here as a whole which has been incredible and like nothing I can really describe but I guess the point of writing is to try to express something that can never quite be pinned down. Maybe I lost my balance a little bit over the past week and I am trying to recover but at the same time I’m grateful for it. It’s sort of like falling in love…

I met someone amazing here and I feel like she gave me clues that she may know about my Open Diary so it is strange and exciting (and maybe slightly terrifying) to write here knowing that she could be reading. Maybe that is a story that comes later but for now I think maybe it’s best to start right at the very beginning.

I stopped writing here for a while to clean up some things on another social media account and found that I enjoyed writing there especially after I blocked at least a couple hundred people many of whom were nothing more than trolls who really would not respect my boundaries when I told them if they didn’t like me they should remove me but they didn’t like me and stayed anyway. Who knows how many people were acting violently towards me and yet for some reason it seems the last thing they expected is that I would block them. Quite a few of them were outright dangerous and I feel so much better now that so many toxic energies are slowly dissipating from my life and now that I feel the presence of real love and support around me.

What is the beginning, though: does it start when I risk going back to stay in my mother’s house for a little while before my planned departure to Guatemala and Colombia? My mother knew where my passport was, it was on the stairs I guess every single day, but the day before I was to leave for Guatemala it was gone. There were a couple of really toxic organisations that claimed to be about love and transformation that are really cults that I was a part of and this journey has been a process of recovering from all of that harm. I wanted to make a clean break and find out what they were really about so I asked them if I could meet with them one more time (because people who don’t like you when they interact with you often give you a whole lot of helpful information that they never intended and I wanted to understand the organisational dynamics a little bit better before I made a clean break). Now it is clear that, as I heard in a podcast shortly after arriving on the island, I have oil in me and they simply wanted to extract it.

I came to these cults in good faith thinking they were organisations dedicated to healing and caring but they betrayed their true intentions again and again. In the end, in retrospect, it’s kind of hilarious, they tried to bully me into the ground showing in every way that they don’t know how to listen even though listening to what people are saying and caring about what their needs are were what they were supposed to be about (it turns out they use all these supposed skills and principles of loving as tools for abuse when they find a commodity like me from which they want to extract oil and it turns out not listening can get you in trouble).

I sent them kind, courteous messages letting them know I lost my passport so I was not going to be meeting with them from Guatemala as expected. So the moment I get onto the call they are like, ‘where are you going?’ which was sooo unprofessional to begin with but they are just laughably dumb so whatever. I told them I was meeting with them in the car before yoga like it’s any of their business where I was going and I *told* them I ‘lost’ my passport but they pry into my business and betray more than ever the fact that they have never been for me but in collaboration with my abuser.

They told me nobody has time for me and everybody is in their own world and maybe I should find other ‘communities’ and that isn’t the right fit like duh that isn’t the right fit and you know if they thought I had any other options they wouldn’t let me go because that’s the kind of cult they are. They isolate you on the inside (they *say* that love is setting a boundary and saying no when you don’t actually want something, like if someone asks for a cuddle and you say no, that is actually love, because you are freeing them to find someone who actually does want that, but they were hypocrites who did not want me in any way except to use me, and yet never explicitly said no until they stupidly thought they had me in my place. They just held on to drain my energy while trying to make me believe I had no one who cared about me or would listen.

These are pernicious networks that read your social media and find out where you’re going and try to isolate you whenever you are on the outside too. They pretend they are dedicated to love on the inside while making you feel like absolute crap and never letting you in and then network to send people to bully you like you aren’t going to find out they are connected to them. You say your mother’s husband was pervertedly abusive towards you but then they collaborate with him and honestly what’s coming to light is that it seems he had sex with at least one person in each of these organizations and someone he *thought* I liked in my hometown too, to cover all his bases, using sex with people he *thinks* I like to try to destroy my soul.

LOL. When I realized that he has had sex with these people it actually made me happy, like it was such a relief, like he thinks he is going to get to me with this but he is only giving me freedom and he has no idea. Like hallelujah! Now, I know that nobody who is not guilty is going to be hurt by this, but it is snooping and doing bad things that gets you in trouble, so let me put it this way: he has no idea that when I knew I was being recorded and surveilled at his brother’s house (which I will *never* return to again because he also abused me on a visit to his house when I was little and on this visit he let me know that) I knew I was ultimately safe except for whatever consequences he might try to inflict on me so I decided to put on a show! They think they caught me in the act of something I didn’t know was being watched; that was part of my strategy of figuring out what the hell was going on with all these messed up dynamics and I have to say it seems to be working out quite well. I hope he enjoyed his fifteen minutes of sex, anyway. I am pretty sure he strategically chose just one person from each of these cults that I once in good faith trusted to help me heal from his abuse and just one person from my hometown to cover all his bases. It could be more but I think that’s all it is and now it is so awkward that my mother has no idea who she is living with but I have a feeling it won’t be for long.

There is someone in my hometown that is actually several years younger than me who I was sure was wrapped up somehow in all this monstrosity for better or worse and I knew this could be my only opportunity to find out how she was involved in it all so I, um, said her name, interrupting the genuineness of the rest of the show (I really was enjoying myself), because I knew that he would *do* something with that and what comes to light is that he apparently had sex with this person (probably *after* he thought I was into her) because he thought it would hurt me and I guess she had sex with him because she is just as perverted as he is.

If I ever get my hands on this video (if there is a trial or something, perhaps) I *can* edit out this perverted content where I begrudgingly say her name. It makes me feel so much lighter to realise that this happened though because he thought he could *hurt* me with this and somehow it just makes me feel lighter and free of all he tried to tie me down with all my life. I can just wash away any sense of caring about her (because she was simply connected to someone I used to *know*) out of my memory and I can get my life back. Like, I never *liked* her, I just never knew what she was all about, and I was curious; so I found out! When I realised it I was like oh thank God this is so much better now, I have my power back but he thinks things like that are going to hurt me. When you misuse sexuality for power it only comes back to bit you though. He just makes super clear everything I need to let go of and just like that I let go because in performing such an act such people just erase themselves from having any relevance at all to me.

Like ewww why do people think having sex with icky creeps for stupid reasons is going to get them somewhere and do they have any idea what they might be contracting nevermind the fact that they are seducing child abusers? What you want to give your body and energy to is your choice but some people have no discernment at all.

These cults try to surround you with people who will make you feel so much less than beautiful and try to isolate you wherever you are on the outside, too. They emotionally manipulate you and try to make you think you have no friends but they won’t just let you go, they hold onto you so you will waste years of your life, and then when you start speaking out against some of their less sinister actions, they follow you. If that’s not a cult, I don’t know what is… and yet that’s only the beginning. I could go on about how scary these groups are but I don’t really want to focus on that right now. Long story short I decided to go to Puerto Rico which has been a transformative experience and yet what could be worse than the total agony of being in love?