Broken…

I am so frustrated with how much I have slept today. I got up to volunteer to sit at a table at Market Day but it had started raining and they decided to end it early so we just left. Today I feel more sad and depressed than I have felt in a really long time, more exhausted and hopeless and I don’t even know, but it is terrifying how ny state of mind could go downhill from here, and I don’t know what to do. Nothing feels right. I feel like it must be entirely my own fault, me just having no idea how to live life. What is it going to take to feel, ah, this is the way life is supposed to feel like…? Nothing I do and nothing I can think of doing feels right. I guess being frustrated about sleeping a lit is a cover up for how horrible I feel about everything else.

I dreamed of someone leading a retreat. I had an iPad and I was sort of listening to what was going on with that from elsewhere in the building. I walked around until I found the area where the voices were coming from. I did but it’s like there were never greetings, I just saw them and they asked if I was looking for the ‘Nepal retreat’. I don’t know what that means. I could overhear conversations about them having issues and it being farmer’s day or something ging and something that never should hqve happened. I took a lighter out of my black backpack and brought it down to this area with some tarps on poles and it started blowing steam or something like it was going to blow up and would probably burn me pretty badly so I tossed it and just left it there.

I came back and tried to crawl over the counter, where someone was working or something. I see this retreat leader and realize we never greeted and I wonder how could I even be wanted? I decide to bring up my vulnerability, look into their eyes and maybe cry, and then I am basically on the floor as I try to express, it has been so long since I have seen you. I didn’t know what to do, what to say… my rear end kind of pivoted upwards as I was down on the floor on my belly. I didn’t know what my body was saying but I thought they could probably read me. I think they just started saying stuff about how LGBTQ rights are coming and everyone who opposed that is going to be terribly sorry, and…

I don’t know. Ouch, my shoulder hurts a lot today. I feel like I can’t just start meeting people, no matter what I do: it is just not going to feel grounded and it is going to feel like there is something missing. Maybe I was treated unfairly in certain ways but I pushed people away and probably made all sorts of people think I was a problem waiting to happen at the very least. I don’t feel like I was unkind to anyone in person or I try not to be but I was so isolated and I felt so powerless and confused and unfairly placed blame and responsibility for what was happening to me on others, so I used my written words to lash out and push people away, not realizing how vulnerable I am, how short life is, how much I need others and we need each other, and a lot of resentments are just not worth holding onto like that… and I could have found ways to make better decisions in the midst of the terror. I think people who knew me might hate me and probably won’t he able to or wajt to tell me how they see me. If I come to them, vulnerable and scared, honest about how my life feels like a mess and now knowing if I am going to make it, not knowing why I feel so hopelessly broken like no one else and nothing can fix it, everyone I once considered part of my heart will probably just laugh at me while I am falling. How likely am I to go back into such places and hear things like, you’re adorable and sweet? I want to hang out with you? It doesn’t feel likely. But I feel like the continuity with everything in my life has been broken anf I don’t know if I have the strength anymore. What are the chances anyone might have heard anything but bad things about me, that someone I once knew still cares about me and can affirm for me that I am not broken? Today it feels like I am powerless to put my life back together and I am just waiting and dreading it all falling apart. I ran away for so long out of fear, enormous fear, and come to find out or at least intuit those I was so scared to reach out to probably never liked me anyway.

Maybe I am co-dependent and can’t let go but maybe my salvation is still in the love of others, I just don’t know where to find those I feel worthy of, those who might give me a chance, see me as precious and care about my suffering. Who can hold me in my suffering, who has any chance of understanding it at all? Who can take me back to a time when things were okay, when I felt the stable love of others around me? It is not that I do not think folks I meet today are capable of loving me but I am so isolated so I can’t be myself and nothing at all in my life feels any degree of stable right now… I wish I had made different decisions. I want to feel connection and safety and love. I don’t know what to do with this heart…