Another sad day

I am really exhausted today. I just dreamed that someone in this room was really angry and I did not know who he was but he started yelling and throwing Djembes at me.

It was a really stressful morning for me. I was exhausted afterwards. It was also kind of a sad morning in ways I can’t exactly explain: it feels like there are ways I might have had the courage to ask for certain things I needed years ago or expressed certain fears and in not having the courage to do that I feel like I wasted so much… but I can’t control when fear is ready to let go, it just does it when it does it. We are all imperfect, I guess, and I am more imperfect than others. The continuous threat and immediate expectation of having absolutely violent things done to me at a certain place I will not mention, I feel so scared, full of so much trauma nobody is ever going to know what to do with me and it appears that they already don’t, and I myself have made sure of it. The actual threat of it though, I feel squeezed into a box where one more itty bit if fear and I don’t know what to do with it.

Read lots of dark books, I guess, and rhey have to be in Spanish, but scary movies make me lonely, maybe I just realised that, and reading in Spanish oh yes right now anyway I am ‘studying Spanish’ by taking advantage of Latin American literature’s dark fiction boom. There is no booming though with my ability to cajole the universe into manifesting someone I can just sit with and learn Spanish with while being at ease with myself and I would have thought everyone wanted to be around people who wanted to do that! 😉 That is what you get for going to schools as geeky as mine and then going to Europe where the desire to do language exchange, without which I am clueless and alienated, is so much more common than it is here… where I am alienated and even afraid to practice Spanish out loud even in my head. So my reading is getting pretty good but I need to convince myself to think more in Spanish…

I think my reading comprehension is improving though I am lacking the motivation to study the vocabulary deeply, I sometimes write words I want to study down but mostly just highlight in the text and look at the dictionary and encounter it in the reading. Texts come more imaginatively alive for me when I read them in Spanish than when I read them in English, it seems, though unfortunately it takes sooooo long to read them.

My shoulder hurt so much today I thought it might be best not to being a guitar with me on my initial travels and started reconsidering my travel plans because I didn’t want to spend my tourist visa time in a big music city if I’m not going to practice music because I might want to go back and do just that. I just thought, what if I go there and love it and then wish I had brought a guitar but by the time I do decide to buy one or transport one my visa is almost up? I don’t think that should affect me though, it doesn’t matter where I am, I can practice music, and just because all sorts of musical things are going on around me doesn’t mean I have to practice music while I’m there. And probably if I have a guitar I will never take dance lessons. I wonder how many dance lessons it takes before I feel like I am at the limit of my capacity to improve beyond that. Maybe one or two?

But maybe I need to rest and gather myself before I am ready to do anything like that anyway. I feel like I want to get to Latin America but stay away from major cities and people generally forever so how is it that I am thinking I am going to be able to do this international travel thing considering it is quite difficult to get to Latin America without setting foot in some major city and my current plans are to stay in a major city, I don’t get myself.

I don’t want to think about today. I wish I could devote all my time to studying Spanish but something is keeping me from feeling like I ever have any attention to devote to anything and I wonder how that will change if I drift off to América del Sur.