yelling

Just got done yelling at my mother. I don’t like to yell – it undermines whatever point you’re trying to make. But it’s hard to remain devoid of emotion when you’ve got years of pent up resentment riding on your shoulders. What brought this on you ask? I dropped one of her knives as I was washing the dishes. It fell the entire distance from the sink to the ground and the handle broke off.  Apparently this tiny mishap was enough to trigger the resulting bitch-fest. "Well that’s just great. Of course this is something only you could manage to do. Excellent, I can say goodbye to my full knife set." And on and on and on! So I yelled. I yelled that she "always does this" (I’m terribly articulate when I’m angry) – that she’s insanely, unreasonably critical of others, and how would she like being treated this way every time she made the slightest mistake? Then I told her that if this were anybody’s fault, it would be HERS for purchasing a knife that can’t survive a 3 foot drop. Halfway through my fit she basically accused me of being an overly sensitive cry-baby. What do you even say to someone like this?? 

I felt awful immediately after the incident, but I’ve come to realize this was a good thing! I’m following through on my resolution to break free of the hold these people have on my life. Letting them know why I find them so unpleasant is the first step. 
  

On a much lighter note, I was bumming around on facebook and I came across pictures of a friend of a friend’s studio. This place was brilliant. The furniture arrangement, the color scheme – oh man! It really puts my crappy apartment to shame. I had such plans for my place. But I got lazy/busy, and then I wasn’t sure how long I’d actually be living there so it didn’t seem like a worthwhile investment. Now I’m reconsidering. It’d be wonderful to be surrounded by little things that bring you joy. And I feel like a well-put-together (but not necessarily expensive) living space would indeed bring me joy. I was always impressed with how stylish J’s apartment was. If we ever move in together, I’m letting him decorate.

Speaking of J, we had a little spat over the phone yesterday. It was over our clashing conversational styles (what else!?). I started a separate entry about the whole thing, but decided to drop it because it’s all been said before. But I was pretty upset last night. It’s easy to get freaked out when you’re thinking about the long haul and asking yourself "is this something I can/want to deal with for the rest of my life?" We’re 3 years into the relationship. Shouldn’t I know by now? Mm, so much for that lighter note.    

But to end on something truly frivolous – I can’t wait to get this phone! As soon as I get my finances in order of course…