officially unhappy

Because I could use a ramble. 

I have to get up early tomorrow to attend events and interact with people I don’t want to. I’m sure they’re all fine people, but I feel like they’re stealing my chance at happiness by taking up applicant spots for a job that J’s applying to. I will not woo them to come here, no matter how much help they could be to my career in the future.   

I can already feel the impending awkwardness and internal strife and feelings of being conflicted. Though writing this out helps put things into perspective, and after all you never know how things will turn out until they do. 

I am officially unhappy. Unfulfilled. Acutely aware of my lack of control over where my life is headed. It’s not a pleasant feeling. Also slightly confused about certain things. 

At least the anger fits seem to be dying down..in frequency and intensity. Which is an improvement.

Work brings me down. The boy brings me down. And I want to be there for him to bring him up instead, but I just can’t anymore sometime. And I can’t exactly be like – hey, could you please stop being unhappy because it’s a real bummer and it brings me down, ya know? 

At the end of the day, I believe in an internal locus of control. We are each responsible for our own happiness and lack thereof.

Physician heal thyself and all that.

Or slap a band aid on it by escaping reality for a while – i.e. staying up to watch the Bachelor and being a complete Zombie all day tomorrow.   

p.s. I really need to get back on track in terms of taking care of myself, my living space, my possessions.