The Flashbacks

The Flashbacks are strong today. Michael left a few hours ago for work and I’ve already caught myself staring off into space 3 or 4 times. One was so bad I actually put the baby in the high chair, buckled him in, and then just sat there for several minutes before he caught my attention.

I felt embarrassed, like a bad mom.

I wonder why this is happening. I guess maybe because we’ve been cooped up in the house because of the weather. Last night it was so bad I couldn’t sleep. There’s tons of trees down all over the city and record snowfall in the mountains. Usually when I feel weird, I can go outside and the fresh air and sunshine reminds me that I’m in the present.

My flashbacks were mostly about .. consent, I guess? I kept thinking about all the times I said no and my mom didn’t listen, and in turn times that people said no to me and I didn’t listen. Not in a scary way for anyone who might be reading, just in a day-to-day type vibe. Like, I can’t stop thinking about how the last time my mom came to visit, I bought groceries. She came in the kitchen and started trying to put them away, but she’d never been to my house so she kept having to ask me where everything went. I said, “don’t worry about it, please. I would prefer to put them away myself.” And she just kept going. I had to tell her 3 times until it escalated to. me saying, “Mom. Stop!!” And of course her feelings were hurt and she slumped away saying “I just wanted to help.” I know that seems small, but when it’s your whole life, it’s not small. I didn’t realize I even had the power to say no to stuff until quite recently. I figured you try to say no, but if it gets vetoed, then that’s just how it goes.

That memory morphed into a time like 8 years ago when I asked my ex-husband to help me put some water in the kiddie pool out back. He said no. I said, “Please!” and he kept saying no and I kept saying please until it escalated into a full blown argument. At the time I couldn’t understand. Why wouldn’t he just hand me the hose and fill up the kiddie pool? I would do it for him. Maybe he just didn’t realize how important it was to me… Those were all thoughts I had at the time. But I should have just accepted no the first time. Right? Ugh, I don’t know, it’s all so confusing.

Anyways, there’s just tons of shit to do around the house and I had big plans to take care of it but I’m really having a hard time thinking straight. Hopefully I can get it going.