Oh my gosh, I stood up for myself!

So, I was looking out at my beautiful backyard taking a moment to myself, when I realized… I can feel it! Or more like I can’t feel it. That typical feeling of emptiness, dread, guilt, deep sadness. They’re gone today. I just feel normal. I don’t feel overly happy, but praise heeem, I feel normal.

So then, I asked myself… Well, what’s different today?

What’s different is that yesterday I confronted a situation. I stood up for myself and my family. I did it in a calm and respectful way. And I did it well!

Typically, I would feel sad on a day like today. Yesterday was very difficult and by all accounts, a depressing. It’s Michael’s birthday and for his birthday we planned on meeting at a restaurant nearby at 1pm. And as usual, Michael’s mom and sister said they would be late. Then the typical rigamarole started: We’re gonna be 15 minutes late. (20 minutes later) Just got in the car! we’ve been driving 4 minutes! (I text at 1:48 Do you have an eta? No reply til 2:30) Our Eta is 2:50! Finally they arrived at the house at 3:15.

Just prior to that we went through the whole same thing with his cousins: We’ll be an hour late! See you at 2! We can just order Chinese food at the house! See you in 30 minutes! (They arrived earlier than Mom but not by much time.) Why then didn’t we just make plans to meet at 3 and order takeout?

So, just for clarity’s sake–this happens every time. Every time. His mother was 45 minutes late to our wedding ceremony. His sister came for Christmas. They were several hours late already when she started changing her clothes. I asked what she was doing when she announced after an hour that she was going on a date with a stranger she had never met and just left. His mother was 3 hours late to our baby shower. His cousin, Christie was 2 hours late. When we made plans to introduce the baby, Christie was only 30 minutes late and acted like she deserved a gold star. (She said really weird shit too, like “Oh look I’m earlier than Alison for once! Good thing too because once she gets here I won’t be able to get a word in, anyways!) His mother was an hour late to meet her grandchild.

The thing that makes all of this even more uncomfortable is the covertness and the big mountain tiny little little lies. It makes it so much more chaotic. If you’re going to be late, fine, but at least be honest about when you will be arriving. Why say you’re in the car when you’re not? You’re not even close. You won’t be actually in the car for another 45 minutes. The thing with Becky’s Christmas date, like why wait til the last minute to say something? Not a phone call, maybe touch base, ask if it would bother anyone if she left early? Well, because that would leave the option, and that’s not acceptable. She knew it was a weird thing to do, but she did it anyways, because attention is all that matters to Becky. Bonding with her nephew… ah who has time for that when you have a date! Why move it to next week when it could be tonight! On Christmas! *face plant*

Additionally, they make no attempt to connect outside of these occasional chaotic events. I’ve reached out twice to Becky to have a day with her, me and the baby. She just didn’t reply either time. Oh that’s not entirely true. The second time she said how about Tuesday or Thursday? I said Tuesday would be great and then I just heard nothing back. But! She did send me a text about two weeks later asking if I would cut her hair during Thanksgiving! 👌 Every time I see his mother, she gives me the same old schpiel: Let’s get together soon! You me and the baby! And of course I say I would love to, and I mean it, but there’s no follow up. I leave it up to her to initiate, because I have her at my house constantly.

It’s really difficult to me because I’ve gone no contact with my abusive mother for behavior similar to this, to now be exposed to it from someone else. It’s just really hard to bear sometimes. That’s why Michael and I were attracted to each other. We have similar wounds.

Lastly, my own feelings aside, it’s really, really hard to watch my husband be treated this way, like an afterthought. Because he deserves so much better. He would show up for anyone, no questions asked, and immediately. He’s generous, considerate, and thoughtful.

I just found something out–these fucking assholes, I can’t even believe it. Listen to this, last Christmas, Becky brought over a big tray of Christmas mugs filled with candy that had names on them for certain people. I’m not sure why she brought the whole tray because several of them were just for friends that I’ve never met. Anyhow, because she chose to go on that date I mentioned earlier, she left the tray with all her friends’ little mugs here at our house. So, Michael texted and called and texted again. “Do you want these? Should I save them?” No answer. Finally after 2 months, we threw them away in late February. Not that I need to justify this, but we’re literally just talking about dollar store mugs with Hershey kisses in them, with names drawn in Sharpie. Well I just found out they called, not to say sorry for being late or to say they had a nice time, no. First Becky called to ask if we still had the mugs. Michael said no. Becky got mad. Michael said he texted and called. Becky, of course, said she didn’t get said texts. Michael sent screen shots and said, I don’t know what to tell you. So then–this is the level of dysfunction regarding Michael’s mother and his sister–Michael’s mother called and asked if we still had the mugs. No, Michael said. I already told Becky, and I know you know that because you live together. And of course, she gave him the same level of shit about it.

Am I taking crazy pills? On what planet… I mean, this woman, his sister, is 30 years old, trying to make her brother feel bad about throwing some fucking dollar store mugs away after holding them for two months and contacting multiple times to ask about them with no response? She has never gotten him a Christmas present in the entire time I’ve known them. She showed up empty handed to his birthday yesterday, not to mention 2 hours late. The audacity! To call and express offense that he threw her ridiculous little Christmas presents away! It’s mid-April! Jesus fucking Christ. What are you going to do, give your friend Jake a dusty mug with old Hersheys kisses in them in April? Say, ‘Oh I made this for you, but… it’s April, so, here ya go!’ Jake isn’t going to be impressed. If anything, he will be offended that you handed him some 5 month old late 3rd grade bullshit!! Grow up!

But see, this is a perfect illustration of the madness with Becky. She is so irreverently self-centered, that even the fact that she spent 2 minutes putting a Christmas gift together, well it deserves praise! She really thinks her friends–and I use the term very loosely–will appreciate the fact that she’s handing them a dusty old Christmas mug with old candy in it. I mean… As if to say, “See! I did a thing! I actually did think about someone other than myself, albeit for about 5 minutes half a year go, but look! You can say thank you, now! 😊”

Christ, where was I…

Oh yes! My confrontation with Christie.

So, as I already mentioned, this behavior is chronic. And if it were just he and I, would more likely suffer it. However, my son is now involved. And I refuse, absolutely, wholeheartedly refuse to allow my son to experience the same devastating blows to his self esteem that my poor, wonderful husband has endured his entire life.

When this shit started up around 12pm, I became angry, of course. “What the fuck is wrong with these people?” And do you know what he said back, he hung his head and said, “This always happens,” softly. It absolutely broke my heart. So I decided I’m going to see how this plays out, and today is the day I’m going to say something about this.

I asked Michael if he was okay with me speaking my mind, and he said he didn’t mind whatsoever. I checked in several times just to make sure he hadn’t changed his mind.

After everyone showed up at the 3-3:30 mark, I began cleaning the outside patio because I assumed we were ordering food from somewhere and I wasn’t prepared for company, so I had to clean the eating area, which hasn’t been used in a while. So that took me about 30 minutes. Then, as I was coming back in the house, someone told me I better go say bye to Christie because she’s leaving soon.

“I’m sorry, she’s leaving soon?? She just got here!”

“Yeah, she has to get ready for work or something.”

I went into the living room and asked Christie if she was leaving. “Oh, yes, yes I’ll have to be leaving soon.”

This just infuriated me. Why did she even come at all?? This is like Becky with the mugs. Can she not see the insult? To hand someone a cheap Christmas present in April? How rude! If it was a special gift and things had happened where meeting up was difficult, that would be another matter. That’s normal. Life happens. But this, this is something else. (I would also like to add just to be extra petty that Becky is not busy. She has no job, she has no boyfriend, she goes to community college 2 days a week for 2-3 hours. That’s it.)

So, I calmed myself. I wanted to gain a better understanding, not jump to conclusions, not hold onto anger. I thought to myself, maybe there’s a plausible explanation for this. Even so, if there was, I still wanted to bring up the fact that this is a pattern that I won’t be tolerating anymore, as it’s been an ongoing issue.

I’m going to type out gist of the conversation as I recall it.

Me: Christie, can I speak with you outside for a moment?

C: Sure! Sure!

Me: You’re leaving so soon?

C: Oh, yes, well, I have to get ready for work tomorrow.

Me: I see. You have to get ready for work tomorrow? It’s 4 o clock.

C: Yes, well, I like to get ready for work the night before. You know, I have to do my hair, things like that.

Me: Okay, do your hair. I see… (Like this lady really looked at me and said she has to leave to do her fucking hair??!) So, you knew this and you were still late coming today?

C: *blank stare*

Me: It’s Michael’s birthday. I thought we were all going to eat together.

C: Oh, it’s Michael’s birthday? I had no idea! Oh wow, I just had no idea. I thought we were just getting together for Easter brunch.

Me: Sure, sure, except easter brunch ended at 2 which is why we needed to be there by 1.

C: Yeah…

Me: Yeah so, why weren’t you here on time?

C: Well I just had a hard time getting ready.

Me: Okay, getting ready… for 2 hours?

C: Well, I’m pushing 70… and I didn’t know it was Michael’s birthday.

Me: Sure, but by now, at 70, you should know how long it takes you to get ready, right? I say this because this seems to be a thing that happens pretty consistently, every time in fact.

C: Well this is just how things are done in our family.

Me: Okay, everyone is 2 hours late every time plans are made? That’s how things are done?

C: Well again, I just didn’t know it was Michael’s birthday, I really just thought it was an Easter thing.

Me: You keep saying that, but what would you have done differently if you knew it was Michael’s birthday?

C: *blank stare*

Me: How do you not know it’s his birthday? You’ve known him since he was a baby, 35 years.

C: Well, I just didn’t know!

Me: You can see how I’m a little confused, right? I feel like you should know when his birthday is…

C: Yes, well like I said, this is just how our family–

Me: Christie, I’m going to stop you right there, because this is my family, too. I have a son now. You barely spent any time with him. We scheduled for 1 because we knew he would go down for a nap at 3, so you barely saw him.

C: No, no, we visited! He waved at me.

Me: He waved at you? Sure, but think of all the time you could’ve spent with him had you been on time. He would be awake right now.

C: Yeah, yeah…

Me: This is why it’s very important that you show up on time from now on, okay?

C: Well, it’s just hard. It’s such a long drive.

Me: Christie, we offered to come closer to you. You said coming here was no problem, and even if that were true, wouldn’t that be more a reason to be on time? So you don’t drive an hour to spend 45 minutes and then just turn back around? Listen, there’s something I don’t think you’re understanding. This isn’t just a one off. This happens every time. And Christie, it makes Michael very, very sad.

C: It does?

Me: Yes. He feels like he doesn’t matter to anyone. We pushed the time back to 2 when you said you were going to be late and still you didn’t arrive til 3.

C: Actually, 2:55.

Me: Christie… you can’t be serious right now.

C: No, no you’re right, you’re right.

Me: Do you know what he said to me when I got frustrated about everyone making up their own times to be here? And to be at my house? Which I wasn’t ready for company because we all agreed to meet at the restaurant? He slumped his shoulders, hung his head, and said, “This happens every time. This always happens.” Michael is an incredible human being. He would give you the shirt off his back with no question. He’s been there for you every time you asked with a smile. He’s a kind, special person. He deserves better than this, do you understand Christie?

C: Yes, well… yes.

Me: I love you, and I want you to be here. You are family and you’re very important to us. But this can’t continue this way. I won’t let it, because my son, and Michael do not deserve it. If coming here is an issue, then we will come to you. It’s no problem. I don’t want you to take this as I’m angry or I’m coming down on you, I just want you to know that it’s very serious and it just can’t continue, for Michael’s sake and the sake of my son.

And the lying needs to stop. No more “I’ll be there in 30 minutes” won’t be here for 2 hours. No more, “I’ve been driving 4 minutes,” when you’re not even in the car. I have a baby and I cannot operate like that. My son is on a schedule. I’m a very understanding person, but I do not appreciate being lied to. It’s just unnecessary. Just be honest. If you’re not going to be here til 3, then just say so. But the little lies are very confusing, and frankly, it’s not right.

Okay? I’m glad you’re here. I’m sad you’re leaving. I thought we would have dinner together, and I’m sad to see you go.

(Then the conversation took a bizarre twist.)

C: Yes, well it’s very nice that we get to meet here at the house.

Me: I’m sorry?

C: I just love this house. You know, I grew up in it. I mean, it was Alison’s house she grew up in, but I was born 3 years before her so I’ve been here the longest.

*Okay, at this point, I had no idea what to say, or what she was talking about. She lives in a house that she’s been in since the 70’s, so why she was referring to my home as “the family house”? It seemed loaded to me. I got the sense that she felt it belonged to her, which made me very uncomfortable. And the assertion that it was somehow more her house than Alison’s (Michael’s mom) also made me uncomfortable. But again, giving the benefit of the doubt, and just trying to understand, I just asked her to elaborate.

Me: Okay…? I’d love to hear more about that.

C: *long pause* Well it’s just very nice to have a family home. You know, that’s been in the family for so long.

Me: Okay, well I’m glad that you feel that way and you know you’re welcome to come here any time at all. Any time, Christie. It doesn’t have to be a special occasion.

C: Well I better get going.

So, regardless of the particulars of this specific situation, I’m really proud of myself for how I handled it. In the past I would let my emotions over power me, take the baits, allow myself to get confused, people-please. But this time, I didn’t. I showed strength and compassion, as well as clearly set my boundaries and where and when I expect to be respected.

I talked to Michael about it and he gave me some insight. He said that Christie is a hoarder. We went to her house once and just sat on the porch the whole time. He said her house is falling apart, so he has the feeling that rather than fix her own problems, she thinks she should have this house instead because it’s beautiful and clean. There’s a lot of family members who think they should have this house instead of Michael. He inherited it from his grandfather, and a wise choice that was.

The thing that blows my mind, is people forget that it was a huge piece of shit. I mean, this house was royally fucked up when I came along, so much so that I almost refused to move in when Michael asked. There were holes, literal holes in the floor. The paint was all cracked and yellow. The baseboards were black from dirt. The bathroom didn’t even have a toilet paper holder. There were holes in the walls. There were holes in the ceiling! God knows how that happened, but yeah. There was piles and piles and piles of shit just everywhere. The entire patio was filled to the brim with old, broken, dusty shit. The yard was a wreck. The grass was patchy and the vines had grown up all over everything so there was tons of bugs. I mean… it was gnarly. It really was.

But over 3 and a half years, Michael and I have made it into something really beautiful. We got the floors fixed and refinished. We had the whole house repainted, got all new baseboards. We installed a dishwasher. I fixed the bathroom up really nice with matching accessories and hooks and things. We have beautiful, interesting furniture. I painted accent walls. We cleared the whole patio. It took 5 visits from the junk haulers over a 6 month period to get rid of all the crap. We paid to power wash the patio, got nice pretty patio furniture. I have all my plants and hanging lights out there, Michael hung a TV on the ceiling that folds down, so it’s just lovely. We’ve slowly fixed the yard up, with rose bushes and trimmed back all the wild vines to find really beautiful old plants his grandma had installed probably in the 70s that were vying to survive. I mean, it’s been a thing, and we’re not done yet. So I get the feeling that people forget that it was a piece of shit, and now they just see how beautiful it is, and they’re angry because they want a beautiful house too, but won’t do the hard work to make that happen for themselves.

And it’s so sad because his family could come over here and we could have lovely times together. I thought his mother would look around with pride and feel joy that the house she grew up in is finally being restored and treated with respect. But instead we’re met with jealousy and strange passive aggressive comments. His father is so angry he wouldn’t let him move in when he became homeless due to drug use and losing his job, that he’s not speaking to Michael at the moment. Alison feels bad that Becky didn’t inherit a house, so she just pays her rent, even though she’s a grown woman in her 30s. Christie says things like, “I’ve been here the longest,” instead of, “Thank you so much for having me. I love being here. This place is special and it’s nice to see it being treated as such.” Nope. None of that. Alison is always telling me ideas she has for remodeling even though she doesn’t live here, because she wants to, in her words, up the market value. But really it’s because she wants to feel like she has some say over what goes on here, even though she doesn’t live here. Her ideas are so strange and convoluted, just like she is. The “renovations” she made while she had the house briefly are so bizarre that we’ve spent thousands undoing the damage she did. Lord, help me.

Anyhow, that’s all for now, and definitely enough! 😂 I’ve been typing for hours.

Back to the original point, I feel good today. I’ve been really struggling with deep depression the last several weeks in a row, which can be just exhausting. Normally, situations like this would further that, because I feel powerless and hurt.

It feels really good. I’m really glad I started this journal. It’s really helped me get in touch with myself and sort my thoughts. Until next time!