Mother’s Day

This Mother’s Day I was holding out some hope that my sisters might send me a message or call me, but they didn’t.

Being kicked aside by my family when they’ve been the center of my whole existence is the most painfully lonely thing I’ve ever experienced.

The good news is I’ve moved past the part of the grieving process where my thoughts are consumed by it to the point of not being able to think straight. My flashbacks have been less and less. There was a period a few months ago that I was genuinely afraid. I was afraid for myself. I was burning stuff on the stove even though I was standing right in front of it because something triggered me and I was locked in a living flashback. I was afraid for my son. At one point I strapped him into his high chair and had such a strong flashback that we must’ve sat there for several minutes before he finally got my attention.  My nightmares were so bad that I was waking the whole house up every other night, and my husband at least several times a night.

I have a new psychiatrist that I really love. We tweaked my medication. We have a clear plan. She gave me some sleep medication for the nightmares that has helped tremendously.

It’s so hard because I love my family so much. There’s so many moments I want to share with them. Sometimes I fantasize that everything is fixed and they both fly out here and stay with me and Sadie’s daughter and my son play together and we play in the pool and giggle and watch movies we used to watch when we were kids and eat popcorn. But of course, it’s just a fantasy.

This time in my life is very lonely. It’s lonely enough naturally being a new mother, but losing my family at the same time has been incredibly hard. I have to keep reminding myself that this loneliness hurts but it’s because I’m clearing space for good people and healthy relationships that will form in the future.

I’m constantly fighting to see the bright side of things and it’s exhausting.

Yesterday was Mother’s Day proper and even though I didn’t hear from my family, I got texts all day long from all my friends, even people I hadn’t spoken to in a while! It made me feel so, so good. I have to focus on that, and not let what didn’t happen be what I focus on.

Sometimes I feel like such a sad sack when I write these diary entries. The more I dig and uncover, the more and more shit comes up to deal with underneath each layer. It’s a tiring gig, kids!
Part of the tiring part is constantly fighting my internal programming and finding trust in myself. I want to surrender and say I’m sorry though I didn’t do anything wrong just to “keep the peace” and feel some semblance of love. They treat me like a piece of human shit, and they like it! They like making me feel bad. It’s really sick. Because I’m not like them, I can’t understand it. I keep thinking if I could just talk to them, if I could just make them see my love… but they don’t want to see it. And in fact the more I show them, the more resentful they are. Isn’t that wild? How do people exist like that? How can they not even acknowledge my son, their own nephew? Why won’t they talk to me and try and work it out? Ugh I make myself crazy asking these questions.

The last time I spoke to my middle sister I begged her to just have an honest conversation with me. She had a birthday party for her daughter and didn’t invite me, though she invited my little sister. I didn’t say anything. But then I saw my youngest sister was visiting her again and they were making gingerbread houses and I was like dude what is going on?? And she said I was making things awkward and she “didn’t have time to argue.” And I was like… “argue? Who’s arguing? I’m just trying to understand…” and that was the last we spoke.

Thankfully I have an appointment in a few weeks with a new therapist who’s trauma and PTSD informed, so I’m excited about that because I feel quite stuck and I’m struggling with strong feelings of worthlessness. My son and husband deserve a mother and wife who is happy and healthy and right now I wouldn’t say I’m really either of those things, though I am better than I used to be.

So, on the upside, me and my husband’s relationship is improving. He’s opening up and showing more trust and honesty.

Also I’ve been working on a podcast! I have about 4 episodes so far. I still have some editing to do. I want to get about 6-8 full episodes locked and loaded before I release them, along with a discord so potential listeners can come and talk about the episodes with me and share their experiences as well. I’m really proud of myself for digging in and starting something. It’s been years since I’ve created. I used to create all the time, but slowly I did less and less which culminated when my father died. I couldn’t sit at the piano and sing without crying every single time. It was awful. I miss him so much every day.

Alright! I hope everyone’s doing great! Feel free to let me know how you’re doing in the comments! Sending all my love ❤️❤️❤️