I’m not sad right now

I’m not sad right now!

I’m not sad!

I just enjoyed a beautiful quiet moment in my lovely house with my beautiful family. The baby went to sleep, and Michael fell asleep on the couch, and I laid down on the other side of the couch and just rested with my eyes closed, and … My mind didn’t race at all. I just enjoyed it. I enjoyed peace. I didn’t feel guilty for doing it. I didn’t feel anything! But not in a bad way. I got up and made a delicious sandwich with all my favorite fixins and I’m enjoying it on my beautiful patio looking out at my big back yard with palm trees and perfect weather, listening to the birds chirp.

But most of all, I’m not sad!

Well, I’m here an hour later and the sadness is back but only a little bit in my stomach.

I’ve been sad, really really sad for years. It started when I was about 11, but it’s been really terrible for about 7 years, especially the last 3 years. It’s really hard to explain to someone who doesn’t know what it feels like, so I’m not even going to try. But the truth about it is that I’d been so sad for so long that I didn’t even realize I was sad, if that makes sense at all. And I was tricking myself about when I felt happy. I didn’t actually feel happy, I just felt distracted from the sadness. But twice in the last week or so, I’ve felt straight up not sad. It only lasts for an hour or two.