I saw him again

I don’t have time to write much because it’s 2:30 am and I have to be up with the baby shortly, but I felt I needed to write about this moment.

Michael and I had an amazing conversation tonight.

He asked me who I was and I told him I am a wife and a mother.

He said no, not what are you, who are you?

I said… I am your wife and Michael Wayne’s mother. That’s who I am. That’s who I exist to be. If you’re asking about who I am personally, I would say I’m an artist, a thinker, a dreamer. I am compassionate and caring, but mostly I am honest to a fault. I hurt people with my honesty.

Then, the strangest thing I’ve ever seen happened. He looked away and sat in silence for about 45 seconds. I was like… Helllooooo?

He just looked at me and said, “I feel badly for you.”

I was like, “Okay? What in the hell does that mean?”

And he couldn’t speak. He just said it again. Then he said, “I’m cold. My insides are cold, and I just feel badly for you.”

I had to press and press and press. He expressed he couldn’t find words to describe what he was feeling. “Do you feel pity for me? Do you feel sympathy for me? What do you mean by badly?” And then he touched my ankle, and his hands, when I tell you they were cold.. I’ve never felt a human being feel so cold in my life. They were colder than ice.

I’ll have to get into the details later, but we sat and talked for about an hour and it was the first time in years that I felt I could see him again. The real him. The person I thought was there all along but wasn’t sure anymore. The person I thought was the most magical, incredible human I’d ever encountered that just evaporated over time.

I’ll have to say more later, but I feel a sense of relief I haven’t felt in years. Years. He smiled at me like I haven’t seen him smile in years.