Exploring unwanted thoughts

In my last entry I allowed myself to acknowledge and explore a plethora of unwanted thoughts that were stuck in my head. Every time I allow myself to do that (it’s only been twice) it’s so scary! I’m ashamed of what I’m thinking. I’m mad at myself that I can’t control it.

I mentioned before one of the YouTubers I watch who talks about being the scapegoat in a narcissistic family system encouraged journaling when I have thoughts like that. At first I thought it was ridiculous. I thought giving unwanted thoughts would somehow give them power, but she was right. They go away once you acknowledge them properly.

The next morning I was able to realize that I was romanticizing a lot of things from my past by amplifying the good parts and forgetting the really bad parts, and I don’t really want to go back to that place. I really don’t. There were parts of it that were beautiful and I can honor those memories, but my true desire is to live a life where I honor myself. In times of great anxiety and burn out, it’s easy for me to remember parts of my life that were nice and long for them, but that doesn’t mean I don’t love my current life.

Micheal and I have really ironed out a lot of things. Last night we had a beautiful conversation where we were both honest about our fears and our feelings. In the past this would have escalated into an argument, but it didn’t, and in the end I felt extremely close to him, and I think he felt the same.

The last few days I’ve been much more present and solid. I was definitely experiencing an emotional flashback for about two weeks where my body was really expressing its memories of deep depression. When that happens I get confused because my brain tells me something must be very wrong in the present for me to feel this horrific, but that’s just not the case. It’s a protection response from my body from years and years of abuse and trauma.

It’s like forging a new path in the forrest. The old trails are deep and wide. I’m trying to forge new trails that are safer and happier, but sometimes the wind blows just hard enough that it knocks me onto one of the old trails and I don’t realize it until it’s too late, and I have to just ride it to the end.

But yeah, overall I feel pretty good, pretty hopeful, pretty sure of myself. That’s a good feeling.