Comin’ round the mountain

I think I’m through the thick of it.

Things between Michael and I have improved tremendously. He makes a lot more time for me and helps with the baby much, much more. He’s had some time off work and has been letting me sleep whenever I need to, even if it’s in the middle of the day, and that alone has helped my mental state in ways I can’t even explain.

I have a new therapist. I haven’t had an official session with her yet, but our intake session was wonderful. She’s an older woman, which I was really hoping for, and she’s quite direct which I was also hoping for, so I’m really excited to speak further with her. Just the few things she said during intake were incredibly helpful right off the bat.

She told me I can’t control my sisters’ perception of me. That word perception really helped put things in perspective for me. It helps with the hurt to remind myself that I am a good person and a kind person, and just because they don’t perceive me as such doesn’t mean I’m not. I know in my heart what I’ve done for them their whole lives and how hard I’ve tried, and how I’ve never had malicious intent in my heart regarding anything involving them, ever. I’m not perfect and I’ve said things I don’t mean from time to time over the course of our lives, but that’s normal. I never did anything for them expecting anything in return. I only wanted to brighten their lives, let them know someone cares, do special things for them because our childhood was so bleak. I know that to be true, and that’s all that matters. I can’t change their perception of me. Especially not when my mother is actively working against me, to poison my image in their minds so the spotlight is off her and the reality of what she’s done to us since birth, and continues to do.

I know that I’ve tried everything I possibly could to repair our relationships, and they’re not willing to engage, and I have to just respect that, as deeply painful as it is. I can’t force them to want to try. Mother taught them denial, avoidance, manipulation. I think that I’m different from them because I had more time with my father, who was an honest person, despite his flaws.

I called my mother a few days ago. I was holding out one last hope that maybe our time apart would help her look inside and reflect on how we can repair things and start fresh, but that’s not what happened. She basically had a list of manipulations that she’d been sitting working on for months and couldn’t wait to unload on me. We spoke for 2 hours and she didn’t ask me anything about me or my life, or my son. She made it very clear that she will not choose honesty, she won’t do right by me, and unless I accept those therms, we can’t have a relationship, but the catch to that is that if we don’t have a relationship, she said that she will kill herself. She didn’t use those words directly, but it was heavily implied. Her exact words were, “That thing you said last time we spoke? That part of the trauma you feel from my suicide attempts is that if you don’t speak to me regularly, I might try something like that again?” I got so excited for a split second because I thought she was going to say something kind, something compassionate, maybe something along the lines of, “What a horrific pain to carry on your shoulders, darling. I’m so sorry for that.” But what she said through dramatic tears was, “I think you’re onto something there.”

The conversation basically just continued that way til the very end. Every issue I had brought up previously, rather than reflect inwardly, she’d been sitting there thinking of every possible way to turn it back on me, or blame someone else. It was something to behold, honestly.

And the lying! God, the lying. She just would not admit when I would catch her in a lie. She would just double down and lie more, or if I had proof, she would said I fabricated it through photoshop or something.

The whole interaction was designed carefully to break me down by any means necessary to get me back under her control. She tried every trick. Trying to illicit sympathy, and when that wouldn’t work she tried to make me jealous, then she tried to normalize everything, saying things like “well I guess all kids just grow up to hate their parents. Sadie doesn’t even talk to me anymore,” as if that was somehow not her fault, but a natural part of life. Then when I wouldn’t accept that she tried to break me down and attack my self esteem in any way possible, even stooping to bringing up a time I sold a car a while back for less than its value (which was one of the weirdest things I’ve ever experienced. It had nothing to do with the conversation, it was just something she was dying to say, to, I don’t know, make me feel stupid? The weird thing is I did it out of kindness because the person I sold it to said he was having a hard time.)  And when none of that stuff worked, she just started straight up lying, and then when THAT wouldn’t work, she just hung up on me.

So! I’m done. I can finally wrap up this chapter of my life and move on. It hurt so bad, but I let myself feel it. I journaled and journaled and journaled. I wrote a poem. I let myself sleep when I felt it. I’m so grateful that Michael allowed me that time to process everything.

Now I can focus all my energy on myself and my family. I’m excited to feel all this mental space opening up. I’m excited for the future in so many ways. I feel good. Yesterday for the first time in years I felt no aching in my stomach for a few hours. It felt incredible.

I feel like my life is opening up like a flower.