Acceptance

This morning I wake up with acceptance.

Two nights ago I slept over at my best friend’s house and we listened to the recording I made of my last phone call with my mother. It was really astounding to revisit. I realized that my mother has been actively trying to hurt me for my whole life. She exploited my kindness, purposefully, seeing it as weakness. She liked to take from me because she felt I owed it to her. There was no gratitude, no love, no compassion. Only every opportunity to twist and tweak and cause pain and guilt and shame and control. She didn’t have an ounce of warmth for me. Just desperate last-ditch attempts to keep me in her clutches.

Any time there was a problem in the family, a crisis that needed handling, they all thought Katy will do it. She’s so stupid.

They don’t love me. It’s not my sisters’ fault ultimately, because they don’t know how. And I’m finally able to accept that.

I was in such deep denial that it’s taken me years to get here. I really thought they just didn’t understand. I really thought I could explain, convince them I have value; after all, look at all I’ve done for the family. But I see now that they were laughing behind my back.

The tremendous pain of missing them, loving them, and being discarded has lifted.

Of course I will always love them, but I feel a sense of freedom now.

I genuinely see now that this is a good thing, because they do not have my best interest at heart and never have. Jamie just took and took and took from me. Sadie always yearned, enjoyed to see me fail. And my Mother exploited me. This whole entire thing–that thing being my life–has been a big game. None of it was real. Her moments of love and tenderness were only to fulfill herself, her loneliness, and to keep me on the line in devoted servitude, or used as a tool to cause jealousy.

What a terrible, terrible shame. But I am free now. I no longer have to fight desperately to be loved.