The Weekend +edit+

CW: 99.5 lbs / 45.2 kg
BMI: 16.1

Purge free days: 3

Ok, so is anyone else shocked by the weightloss?  I know I am.  I was driving home from my friend’s school and I was thinking how I felt like my pants were just a tad looser and I thought it was just because I’d been wearing them for a couple of days and you all know how jeans stretch out after a couple of days.  But, no.  Apparently I’ve lost another pound.

It’s weird because for most of the weekend, I felt horriblely bloated.  All I wanted to do was b/p, but of course that was the main reason I went to visit my friend, so I’d be with someone who knew what was going on and by being with someone, I wouldn’t have the opportunity to b/p.

I haven’t purged in 3 days.  This is the longest I’ve gone in a LONG time.  I’m not proud and I’m not upset.  Actually, it makes me a little anxious, because I want the binge.  I want to go nuts on food, but I can’t.  I wasn’t able to binge this weekend and it drove me nuts.  And the only reason I’m not going to b/p today is because I still have a little ache in my chest from the strained muscles and that scares me and keeps me from purging.

I can’t believe my body adjusted to 800-900 cals.  I swear, these past few days have been a torture.  I hate that bloated feeling of letting food digest.  And yet, it appears that I have lost.  I did have a whole plan on eating only negative cal foods today and then having a liquid only day tomorrow to regain the control from this weekend, but now I’m thinking, can I continue to eat 800 cals and continue to lose?  That would be so much easier to deal with.

I don’t know.  I’m sorry if this entry is going to be all over the place.  My head is just going nuts with everything I’m trying to process, you know?  I didn’t come to any conclusions about what I should do this semester, hospital, finish the semester, what?  I don’t know.

Damn, I wish I could b/p! 

For right now, I think I need to get myself out of my house.  I’ll walk to the library.  It’s a mile walk, do some reading for classes and be productive, and then walk back.  I need the exercise and I need to get work done, so combining the 2 is a good idea, right?

Oh!  I did realize that I’m not ingesting enough yesterday.  My friend loves nature and wanted to take me on a hike in the school’s natural preserve.  My thought, "Great!  I can burn the calories from last night’s dinner because I still couldn’t get it out of my head."  We went on a 2 hr hike, with a steep hill up and when we were coming down, I was getting really tired and exhausted.  My brain started shutting down.  I could actually feel it shutting down for a while.  It was weird.  I couldn’t talk and focus on placing my feet in front of one another at the same time.  It took all my effort just to make my feet budge.  At times, things went blurry.  It was weird and not too comforting.  Then when we got back and she asked if it was a good time for lunch, I didn’t want to eat.  As dead as I felt, I was so happy to know those cals were gone, that I didn’t want to nourish my body again.  Messed up?  I think so.  Obviously, I did eventually eat lunch with her, as well as dinner.

Ok, now that I’ve bored you with that story, I’m going to go be productive.  Maybe I’ll even eat, who knows?!

~Rachel

ps- Quick random thing.  How weird is this?  I calculated the amount of calories my friend ate?  At each meal, I determined what she was eating.  Then one night we went to Uno’s and when I looked up my cals, I looked up hers too.  I figured out that yesterday I ate 880 cals and she ate about 2100.  How sick is that?  I silently and mentally calculated her calorie intake.  Of course, i didn’t tell her.  But how messed up is that?

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I think ppl are getting the wrong idea.  I ENVY my friend because she eats whatever she wants, enjoys it and moves on with her life.  I’m the sick one who calculates her friend’s food intake.  My friend is beautiful with a boyfriend, friends and loves who she is.  She eats to enjoy food, not to binge for a crutch through life, only to purge it later.  We both had a side of green beans one night I was there and she’s remarking on how good they taste and I’m thinking to myself, I wonder how fattening the marinade was…I should’ve just asked for it steamed with NOTHING on it.  I can see what it would be like to have a normal relationship with food and I envy it, but I can’t get myself to get there.

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