Sleep disrupted +anxious edit+

Purge free: 5 days

I was jarred awake at around 1:30am last night.  I was in such a deep sleep, that I was convinced it was my alarm, but it made no sense because it was completely dark outside.  It took a while to realize that it was my phone.  I was shocked I was able to reach it in time before it sent the caller to voicemail.  I picked it up.  It was my mother.  I kept asking her if everything was ok.  Oh yea, everything was fine.  She just wanted to hear how my weekend was…at 130am!  I know she’s on the west coast and therefore it’s 3 hours earlier for her, but still, it was 1:30am for me and she must’ve known that!  I just hope she wasn’t drunk or anything. 

Then for some unexplicable reason, my body decided that 6:45am was the time to wake up this morning, so here I am at 7:15 and I’ve given up trying to sleep.

I believe that I am getting sick.  I lost my voice over the weekend and then had a dry cough and now my glands are really swollen.  Great, just what I needed in life right now.

My chestpains are gone.  I know I will be alone this morning and evening.  That means I want to binge more than ever right now!  My brain is anticipating the binge, mentally calculating what I already have in the house and what I need to buy for it.  I can’t shake it from my head and I must admit, I want to give in to it!  I need a binge.  Anxiety levels have reached all time highs.  I keep looking cautiously around every corner, just waiting to have a full blown panic attack.  I need to binge.

A few of you asked me what I eat, since I said I was eating around 800 cals a day, so I figured I’d write out my menu from yesterday.  Please keep in mind that I’m building up from zero cals and I’m working towards a recovery, which means that once I feel comfortable I’m planning on adding cals to this with my nutritionist.

Breakfast: apple (80)
              * 1 toast (35) – I use low calorie bread (35 cals/slice)

Lunch: Lean cuisine (140 – I’m only comfortable with the lowest cal meals and in lean cuisines that means the chicken marsala (140) or roasted turkey with veggies (150))
           2  toast (70)
             1 cup grapes (60) – My roomie likes to freeze them, so they’re like little frozen treats.  They also take longer to eat like this, which I like.

Snack:
          yogurt (40)
          1 cup grapes (60)

Dinner:
          boca veggie burger (80)
         2 toast (70)
          spinach (60)

Snack:
          apple (80)                          
                            775 cals

*Oh!  And if you tend to be a carb binger, like me, my nutritionist suggests placing the bread in the freezer.  That way each time you want it, you have to thaw it and it takes longer, and it’s really helped me from binging on it.

I hope this helps some people.

I know, I’m such a contradiction in this entry.  Between writing how I plan to b/p today and then my menu plans for recovery, but I never claimed to be fully recovered and right now the binge is calling me, no it is screaming at me and I want this feeling of anxiety to go away!!!!

I guess I’d better go get ready for the day and go to my classes.  I haven’t missed one yet and it’s the 4th week! Go me!

~Rachel

ps- I’ve also decided to do something at least once a week to pamper myself that doesn’t involve the ED.  So far little things have included indulging myself a dvd (last week Grey’s Anatomy, hopefully Gilmore Girls Season 6 this weekend), or spending an hour picking that perfect book from Barnes and Noble and last night I sat down, watched an hour of TV and painted my nails.

+edit+

I’m in the college library on the slowest mother fucking computer and it is driving me nuts!  I started this morning so focused and then one thing goes out of whack by the slightest bit and my anxiety is just thrown into overload.  It is just taking all my inner strength NOT to start crying and enter a panic attack.  I even convinced myself as I first went to classes that I wouldn’t binge later this afternoon.  Now knowing I have a planned binge is the only thing keeping me going this morning.

All I want are a few signatures to add/drop a class and finally leave that damn communications school and enter solely into Arts & Sciences.  Every time I make the effort to get these damn signatures, the people I need to be in their offices aren’t and the people that are won’t sign until the absentee people sign.  It’s just driving me nuts!  It’s such a small thing and yet it makes me enter panic attack time.

Then I tried going to another computer cluster and it was filled, so I had to keep moving until I got here on the slowest computer ever!

I know.  Look at my problems.  They aren’t really problems and yet my anxiety levels are just so heightened right now.  I’m really on the brink of a panic attack.  One more little thing goes off, and I am so afraid of hyperventalating!  Something must be wrong with me if I can’t handle the smallest things going wrong.

There are so many bigger issues in life than a couple of signatures and I know this, but it doesn’t stop these anxious feelings and thoughts.  Then it makes me fall back into the ED mindset.  The ED is opening its arms to me.  Take comfort in a binge.  Just think about the b/p and it will all be ok.

The day has really turned sour.  Damn.

+end edit+