Back on OD – Happy New Year

 I cannot believe it has been so long since I have been on OD and my diary is still here. I wrote in it consistently from 2005 – 2006, really when my eating disorder was developing and becoming very strong.

Then I didn’t write in it until one random entry in 2012.

And now I am back once again. 

Life is so bizarre sometimes.  My world is so much different than the college sophomore who began this journal 9 years ago and even different from the single entry from 2 years ago. I live with a different boyfriend, one that I can trust more. I have been hospitalized many more times, more for depression and anxiety than the eating disorder. I went back to another residential treatment. I’ve changed what I want to do with my life professionally. Instead of sign language, I am starting graduate school for social work this spring.

I got out of residential treatment at the end of April 2013. After numerous medication attempts and even a course of ECT treatments, doctors finally discovered the medication that has saved me, literally. 2013 was truly a difficult year, especially the first 6 months. First I had ECT 11 times and it did nothing for me, except make me so anxious because I dreaded going so much. Not to mention it really destroyed a good chunk of my memory. Most of 2012 is gone forever, among other things. There were a couple of hospitalizations and it all culminated in a suicide attempt. While the medication I am on has truly saved me, I am always scared if the time comes when it will no longer work and I will find myself in a similar seemingly inexplicable dark place.

Anyway, I binged and purged a little bit here and there over the next few months, but I never told my boyfriend, Dan, because I knew that would be the last straw after all he had been through with me.  I constantly keep my team (dietitian, therapist and psychiatrist) up to date about that though.  

It’s strange. Over the years my eating disorder and my depression have switched roles. The eating disorder used to be everyone’s main focus, mine as well. However, as years progressed, my eating disorder basically became a symptom of my depression. The bingeing/purging wasn’t about losing weight like it once had, but about escaping the thoughts that constantly plagued me or as way to act out my anger towards someone.

It’s actually really interesting to analyze how one’s eating disorder changes or morphs  over time.

Well I cut out the periodic purging a little over 2 months ago and except for a few occasions, I haven’t had the urge to purge.

However, my body image issues are a totally different story!!!

I have gained weight. I think in the past year, I have gained between 20-25 lbs. I say think because I personally have not stepped on a scale to see the number in a few months. My dietician keeps track for me, but from what she has said (without exact numbers) is that I have gained weight. AND I know that! The majority of my clothes no longer fit. I hate going clothes shopping. I hardly ever look in the mirror. In our apartment, we only have 1 mirror and it’s the medicine cabinet mirror which shows you from the chest up and even that I avoid. For awhile I was down to 1 shower per week because I couldn’t handle it. Now I tend to take 2 showers per week. I know it probably sounds gross. Even exercise is a challenge because I hate the way my body feels as it rubs against itself, which is a big problem when you want to lose weight.

So…what do I plan to do?

Strict diet (1000 – 1200 calories roughly):

Breakfast – Ensure 250cal (I know many ED patients use it for weight gain. But it’s nutritious and I’d leave it at that for the morning)

Lunch – Gluten free frozen meal 180 – 360cal (Learned in the last few months that I have a mild form of Celiac.)

Dinner – Salad with grilled chicken, dressing on side

Snack (if necessary) – apple

*8 glasses of water (I’m so bad about drinking water!)

Exercise when I feel confident enough to…

 

Height – 5′ 6"

HW – CW

LW – 97 lbs (not going there again)

CW – somewhere between 140 – 150

SGW – 130

UGW – 120 (A decent healthy weight for me)