I guess this is what my dream was about…

Chewie woke me up the other morning.

And I guess in my sleep I was yelling something about a plane crashing…

I remember the dream vividly. Chewie and I were on a plane. The destination, it seems, was unimportant.

We were both reclined all the way back in our first class seats, sleeping. (Or appearing to be asleep).

In my dream I had a conscious awareness of the fact that (in real life) Chewie is nervous about flying and hates trubulence. And in my dream, the plane was experiencing turbulence. I continued to sleep, and not react because I didn’t want to make Chewie nervous, too.

And then at one point, the plane took a sharp dive and was now flying…or falling….directly towards the ocean, nose first.

I still didn’t open my eyes. I was paralyzed with fear and contemplated everything one would expect to contemplate when they know they are minutes before death. I thought about my family and Chewie and how I was too young to die.

But still out of interest for not making Chewie nervous – and hoping that he just might slip away without having to feel that paralyzing fear, I kept my eyes closed and pretended to be asleep.

Our hands found each other, and I folded my hand around his.

The plan continued to fall towards the ocean. It seemed like we were falling for way too long; like we should be underwater, or even dead by now.

I thought about grabbing the flotation device under the seat and trying to save us, but I realized that we would probably die anyway, so I chose to let Chewie die peacefully rather than having to know the fear.

At some point, I resolved to not open my eyes because I didn’t want to know if he was even still sleeping. Maybe he had opened his eyes, maybe he felt what was going on, and maybe he knew we were about to die. And I couldn’t bring myself to see the look in his eyes.

So I kept my eyes closed and continued to hold his hand. I remember hearing the front end of the plane enter the water. It was then that I opened my eyes in my dream and gave into the panic that was consuming me.

And that’s when Chewie woke me up.

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It was a disturbing dream.

Today, I arrived at work completely unprepared for what I was about to experience. I met with my supervisor who told me that under the new marketing structure, my position had been eliminated.

BUT….he continued on to say…another postion was created in its place and that he wanted me to reapply for that new position.

We have new senior leadership in marketing where I work. And since the new leader has come on board, there has been an impending re-org of the department. I had heard rumors and gossip about what it might entail. And everywhere I turned, I knew that my position might change somewhat, but I never anticipated this.

I was lead to believe that my new position would be a hybrid of my current Marketing Director position and an Outreach/Sales position.  I am not fond of outreach and sales, but if it was only PART of what I did, and if it meant I still had a job, I would live.

What I found out today was that the position description for the new job "Outreach Manager" was such a change from my previous position, that it was company policy to repost and re-hire for the position. Again, this is where my boss made it clear the position was intended for me and only me.

But really, especially in an economy like this, how much can you trust that?

And after I saw the job description, I realized that the position was in fact, NOT a hybrid position, but entirely a sales position.

Sales. SALES. Not marketing.  I would be working WITH the marketing people. Selling. On a commission-based pay structure.

Are you kidding me??? How about you take away everything I love, am good at, and passionate about and hand me everything that has nothing to do with who I am, what I want to be, or what my background is in.

Sales? I can’t, nor do I want to do sales. I also can’t afford to go to a commission-based pay structure. Sure, I would have the potential to earn a ton of money. But I have just as much potential as earning far less than what I am earning now.

And my family depends on my income right now. Because Chewie still doesn’t have an income. I can’t leave it up to chance whether we will be able to afford to pay our bills. Are you kidding me?

The silver lining is that I have been entertaining another option with a different company. I was found by a headhunter for a senior communications position with a national organization that has it’s headquarters here in MN. I have had a phone interview already with the HR department and did well enough for them to want to meet me in person this Wednesday.

Initially, I wasn’t entirely interested in the opportunity. I like where I am at, I have a passion for what I do, and I think I still have opportunities to grow professionally here. But I figured I would test the waters and see what might come of it.

Thank God I did.

What was initially an exercise in curiosity has become a dire need.

The positives are that it would be another pay increase for me, and it would allow me to grow professionally in a direction that I have always wanted to grow.

Up until this point, I had been treating the whole opportunity like I had nothing to lose. Because worst case scenario, they didn’t offer me the job, I would be just fine. And who knows, maybe as I learned more, I wouldn’t  have even be interested.

But suddenly, I need this job. And suddenly I am extremely nervous about my interview on Wednesday.

In a perfect world, I would get offered the position which would give me a pay increase of between $20k and $30k per year (plus bonus, which I understand to be about 20% of your annual salary). And this would happen on a timeline that allowed me to accept my severance package with my current company which is roughly $15,000.

And voila, suddenly I have money to put towards the wedding. Plus, I have roughly 2 and a half weeks of vacation time here that I would be able to cash in on. And then I would start my new job and earn considerably more per week than I do now.

My family would be secure, I would have more money for my wedding, and I could pay off a few bills in the process.

Sounds nice.

But, now I worry that they won’t offer me the position. And worst case scenario, I re-apply for this "hybrid" position and don’t get it, even though they have virtually assured me it’s mine.

And then I am without a job. Or, I get the position and it is commission based, and the base pay is so low I can’t afford to provide for my family, much less plan a wedding.

Suddenly, everything that didn’t matter last week matters now.

And now I know what my dream was about. I feel like I am flying straight toward the earth. Hopefully I wake up in time to save myself and my family.
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I consider myself eternally grateful to be in this position. And even though I have spent the better part of the morning crying, I am very fortunate for the timing of everything. The recruiter could have approached me three months ago and I could have declined an offer not knowing what was ahead of me.

If it was meant to be it will be. I am just struggling with my own mortality, I guess you could say.