Forgive but never forget.

I have done something I shouldn’t have done.

And you are all going to groan and be angry and tell me that I shouldn’t have done it.

But it’s too late. I did it.

And ya know…I am kind of glad I did.

Remember the letter I got from my ex in jail? I posted it a couple weeks ago word for word. I didn’t offer any commentary, I just posted it so I could remember it. And I never got back to answering your questions about how it made me feel.

Well…I went to visit him.

In jail.

Behind a glass wall.

There was no danger, don’t worry.

In a sense I was relieved to receive his letter because of what he had to say. There were some things in there that he had never been able to admit before. And I am sure he is saying all of those things now because he is in jail, and quite possibly for several years…but still.

A couple of you mentioned the closure the letter may have given me. And that’s really what this was all about.

Closure.

He finally seemed like he would be in a place where I could tell him some things and he would listen. And where he could accept certain truths.

In spite of the pain he caused me, I cared about him. I cared about him – not in the sense that I wanted to be with him anymore, but in the sense that I hoped that wherever life took him, he would find the help he so desperately needs. And I knew, believed, and required that he travel down that path without me.

There was never any question of us getting back together. Not for a moment in my mind. I have been emotionally done with that relationship for a long, long time.

But he hadn’t been. His continued attempts to contact me, harrass me, leave me evil messages, etc…he was still very much hanging on to the possibility that we might get back together in spite of the direction my life has gone with my new family. I think I finally wore him down to the point where he realizes that is not an option, nor will it ever be.

Even if Chewie and I break up tomorrow I will not be with this man.

There was a time when I went back and forth with him. I would try to stay strong and I would try to leave. And it would work.

For a moment.

Or a day.

Or maybe even a week.

But be it his strength, my fear, or my weakness…sooner or later I would stop fighting and go back to him.

It’s been a couple years now, and it seems as though it has taken him that long to realize it’s over.

It’s been forever since I have seen him. Click here to read the last entry I wrote on what was probably the last time I saw him before this.

He looked so….

old.

So….

tired.

We actually had a pleasant conversation. I don’t think we have ever had one of those before.

He apologized again to me in person. Told me he was sorry for the pain he caused. Told me he couldn’t believe I ever put up with him.

Told me made the biggest mistake of his life, but that it’s a mistake he is willing to live with and learn from.

It was good to finally get an apology. It was good to finally have him acknowledge that what he did for all that time was wrong. And that it wasn’t my fault.

He used to always tell me that if I didn’t run my mouth, he wouldn’t have to hit me.

Or if I didn’t try to stop him from drinking or doing something stupid, he wouldn’t have to hit me.

Now, it seems, that he realizes otherwise.

Don’t worry. I can hear many of you groaning.

In spite of his message, it changes nothing. And of course I am still skeptical if he even means it. It’s real easy to talk a good talk when you are locked up.

But what I walked away with was the ability myself, to forgive him.

All this time I harbored such strong hatred and resentment towards him. It took a lot of energy for me to despise him the way I did. I never thought the day would come when I would be able to forgive.

But that day came the other day.

I walked out of the jail with an overwhelming sense of personal and emotional freedom. My heart was lighter. My soul was more open. My pain had been lifted.

I wasn’t sure going into it how it would all play out. I thought there was a chance I might lose it and get emotional and regret going.

But I maintained my composure the entire time, even when he started crying.

I’m a sucker for crying and always cry when I see someone else cry.

Not this time.

There was nothing left to give him.

And I told him that. I told him that I moved on. That I am a different, and stronger person now. That I am happy and in love.

He told me he was happy for me.

And I told him I forgave him.

And he told me "thank you."

And I said "I am not forgiving you as a favor to you. I am forgiving you as a favor to myself. I can’t go on continuing to harbor this hatred towards you. It’s not who I am."

Who knows whether he will ever heal or change. I tend to believe that he won’t.

But that’s okay. That’s on him now.

It’s no longer my burden.

And it feels so good to say that.

Because for a long time, he was my burden. Well, I made him my burden anyway.

But surely as the scars on my body have begun to fade from his horrific attacks, so has the pain he brought to my life.

I forgive you. And I feel free.

For the first time in a long time, I feel free from your clutches.

Free to move forward. Free to not worry about you.

And free to not worry about what you could do to me.

I was angry when I received the letter. But I am now grateful.

As it opened the door for me to get the closure I needed…with or without you.

Good bye.