NylahKay

January 20, 2008

face to face with a murderer

I went to my weekly meeting tonight.

A man was there that is not normally there. His name is Israel. He has a thick accent and is missing one of his front teeth.

As he sat across from me I tried to decide whether his would be a good face to draw. The wrinkles were deep and thick casting interesting shadows accross his face. He was the kind of person that you would never suspect was missing a tooth. You would never suspect he was an addict. You would never suspect he had done time.

He looked "normal," jovial, polite.

Then he smiled a big smile and there was his missing tooth. But his smile was infectious. The kind that if photographed right, could win someone an award.

His eyes were wide and he looked right at me as he spoke.

He got to a point in his story where he choked up. And for probably a minute we all sat with bated breath rooting for him and hoping he could regain his composure enough to finish his story. No one wants to cry inf ront of a room full of strangers.

Finally he pushed out a few shaky words and then regained his rythm and composure.

I was moved by his pain. I instantly went into "I wish I could fix everything that was wrong with you that made you this way" mode. I started wondering what kind of mother he had, if he had one at all. I wondered where his life had gone wrong and why he was one of the unlucky ones that got that kind of life.

Then I reminded myself there is always a choice. No matter what. No matter how shitty everything seems…there is some kind of choice.

At the end of the meeting, he stood up and hugged everyone (it’s a small group) and I was no exception. He walked over to me, hugged me, thanked me for being there, and kissed me on the cheek.

I guess it feels the same when someone who is missing a front tooth kisses you on the cheek as someone that has all their teeth,

I also guess it feels the same when someone that has murdered two people kisses you on the cheek.

I don’t know how I feel about that.

Wow. I don’t know how I’d feel but I think it wouldn’t sink into me at first. Actually, I don’t think it would. I don’t see different people, really. I feel as if we’re all the same, just skeletons inside of muscles and skin. We just have different lives. I hope these meetings go well. 🙂

Mns

January 21, 2008

I would LOVE to see a photograph you might take of the guy!

Tick Tock

I guess you just have to look beyond that and see him for what he is right then. … which would be a hard thing (for me) to do. But I would like to think that I could. Like you, I just don’t know. I have a son named Israel…. but he has all his teeth. 😉

ThomaS

January 22, 2008

Awesome

colonel pickering

Moved as I was by your description of how this man choked up, then bravely went on and seemed to be truly grateful to have the support of the group, I’m mystified as to what would make you think of someone who had murdered two people. Where did that come from?

I was on the bus this mornign and two big black guys were talking about religion. One was a very spiritual Christian from the pentacostal church, like Pealing, where people have seizures and speak in tongues. The other was leaning more towards agnosticism, and they had a very polite conversation entirely too early in the morning about God and where he is, and how life is about choices. This made me think of that.

RYN I KNOOOOOOWUH. I wanted to get a split apt no matter what.

shroomi

o_0

I have no idea what to say, wow. and same as msnosign

TickTock…I agree. And that is what I tried to do…Focus on the moment and not the past. And I think I was successful. I got a kiss, afterall. But still very surreal. I don’t think you can ever be prepared for something like this.

wow. That’s not the average situation. He seems like a nice guy, and people make mistakes. The fact that you aren’t judging him shows very good colours. It shows that you are a good person and don’t automatically assume things. I don’t know if i would beable to control my thought process like that. You are one heck of a woman. by the way, love, i got your card. Très jolie! =]

I don’t know that I’ve ever (knowingly) had a self-proclaimed murderer in my company. And …I’m not so sure I want to go there….not even for an unsolicited kiss! 😉

ayybee

Wow. Another powerful story. I need to read more here, you are compelling. RYN: Thanks for the kind words – it wasn’t just you who said something, it was a few people in a few days, which is what made me examine it. Question it. Thank you though.

January 23, 2008

RYN: I’m familiar with Mr. Ledger, yes. I’ve not seen many of his films, but i enjoyed his performances in the few I have seen. He, too, will be missed. Makes me wonder who’s next. They often seem to come in 3s, have you noticed?

Victim of Changes

Wow.

Last_Stash

January 28, 2008

what I wonder is how he thinks of himself.There are things in life that you imagine change you as a person, but often these things are revealed to not be as traumitizing as you would think. sex for instanceth secret being, there is no secret. That basically nothing changes, after I had sex my world view did not change much. Though I’ve never had sex where I have been afraid…so. I wonderif murder is one of those things. The first time, its odd, but in the end you find out it was very easy. It’s very easy to kill someone, Dying takes hardly any effort at all. and perhaps it becomes strange that people manage to live, day in and day out, without dying, perhaps that is stranger then death itself. Or maybe you do it and you wake up a different person. And things like love and the colour blue seem like forgein concepts to your new strange incorrect soul. Maybe once you’ve seen life leave a body, the life all around you becomes an invasion of who you are. You have hurt someone so how is it these someones around you are not hurting you? Are you a tiger? Or a frightened mouse? It has to effect a soul.

I wonder about the morning before he killed someone, and all the mornings after, and what he sees in the mirror, and what makes a monster sitting before you, and what makes a man. Which one do you beleive kissed you? Was there a secret? Or do you think he found, the mystery of life, is, there is no mystery? (Sorry if this was off..just my take on things lately…)

Vellosa

December 22, 2008

i randomed on you today and this entry just moved me. i tried to reader’s choice it, but you apparently already have something up there :o) just wanted to let you know, i tried. and i’m a big tipper too lol

Mr.Maverick

I would’ve asked for a picture with him. No kisses from a murderer, but a little candid snapshot, THATS whats up..put that shit above my fireplace with other fam photos.

EllaLou

December 31, 2008

I found your diary totally randomly.. hope you don’t mind me popping in. What an incredible description of this guy. Wish you could have posted a picture.