Most people fly… I bounced…

Soooooo here’s the big update. It’s not THAT big really but here it is anyway…

That carefully planned trip out East was a bona fide joke. Mother Nature almost took it upon herself to shit all over us and were it not for the fact that when it comes to travelling, I’m halfway decent at it, I’m sure Jimmy would have popped several blood vessels and we’d still be piddling around somewhere in the nether regions of the U.S.

Sooooo my horrific drama all started somewhere last Monday. My neighbours (who were going to look after the girls) called us a good 36 hours prior to departure and told us they were staying in California because step-father was having cardiac surgery. Yeah it’s not the best news and although I was sympathetic, they had been there 3 weeks and I’m almost certain that they waited until the last minute which was milding frustrating. Given that I have no family in this town, it makes finding a babysitter somewhat of a tricky proposition. There is very few ways of making the task of babysitting sound like winning the lotto. 

The task ended up falling to one of my mates here and I’d like to publicly show my appreciation for her sacrifice because not only was she dealing with my two divas, ahem, I mean daughters but she had to contend with my slack jawed, sloppy, loving, extra large lap dogs. She now understands why I’m 80% insane. I just feel bad because we’re almost sure she’s "up the duff" so she’s tired, stroppy, craving terrible food and really not in a position to enjoy kids/dogs etc etc.

Annnnnyyyyyyywhore… Wednesday came. My mate arrived at about 5am and Jimmy and I left for the airport. I should mentioned that the night before, United had announced that all flights to the East Coast had been cancelled (which includes our flight) so I spent an easy 3 hours on the phone to some daft bird who only just barely spoke English as a second language. Not that she wasn’t as helpful as possible but my total hold time amounted to roughly 75 minutes because she just couldn’t work out her computer system. It was infernally frustrating and while you have to give her some kudos (she was likely dealing with the other 5 million people who "JUST HAD" to get to the East Coast tomorrow!!!), it was enough to make my blood pressure go bananas. 

The reason behind all this crap? The weather. There were hugggeeeee storms moving through the midwest and out East. Any other time and I’d be like… "eh, bad luck" but it HAD TO HAPPEN RIGHT THEN???? The irony was enough to make me laugh. I truely thought that bitchface has managed to win yet another fight and get the weather on her side. 

Anyway, we were put on an American Flight… Got to Colorado Springs and made the error of not checking in with United (because even though we’d been moved to another carrier, we still had to check in with our original flight) and missed our first flight. Jimmy nearly had a conniption (the first of many) whilst I tried to sweet talk the old bat behind the counter. My nearly husband wouldn’t shut his mouth and I almost kicked him in the shins. Eventually she got us on a flight to Chicago (back on United) and then an "American Airlines" flight to JFK. Despite the fact that I was originally scheduled to fly into Newark, NJ… I just didn’t care what airport I was going to so long as it was a damn airport! We got to Chicago (and I think my heart jumped into my mouth as our plane rocketed down an ice covered tarmac and managed to stop. I can’t even handle my Chrysler THAT well!!!!) and ate between frantically checking that the very last NY flight was not cancelled (unlike every single other flight out there). We dared get excited for a moment. Stupid! There is NOTHING more heartbreaking than the last carrier and the last open airport cancelling the last flight 40 minutes before take-off. I have never felt like melting so fast on the spot. Course my never-say-die attitude meant that I was going to bust myself sideways to stay positive and get us there. Jimmy had just had enough. I immediately got on the phone with some nice man who told me all flights were nixed and that I should probably give up. 

Funny.

Then he paused… THEN he said "Wait a minute"… THEN he said "Do you care WHAT flight gets you to NY?"

Do I whatttttttt??? Of course I don’t bloody care!!! 

At which point he advised me that I would need to fly to Detroit (Michigan) to catch a Delta flight to some tiny regional airport in upstate NY. You know, it was funny… at that point I was just ecstatic. Somewhere out there there was a tiny, itsy, weeny airport that was still open for business! SHAZAMMMMMM!

Then he says: "but it won’t let me book you on this flight so you need to find a counter staff member to assist you."

Soooo it wasn’t perfect. Finding that "counter staff member" proved to be an adventure in itself. Eventually we went all the way back to ticketing and check in (which is outside of security – not ideal but eh…) and the lady there had us sorted out. Now all we needed to do was get to Detroit and hope that they didn’t cancel our last option. Both Jimmy and I were as tense as anything. The only thing that made it better was that we were upgraded to first class so we got the "special people’s treatment" with the extra awesome leg room.

…but I’m happy to say that we got there. The flight took off AND landed (it was a little bitty plane too) and we were tired but grinning from ear to ear. Our only issue was that our rental car company (HERTZ – these guys need to be boycotted – bunch of retarded jerks) refused to switch our car pick up from Newark (an airport that wasn’t even open!!!) to one near the little airport we landed in. Were it not for some really nice guy who offered to take us to a hotel nearby, we likely would have been stuck there. 

Court:

I was so nervous I nearly puked. Actually that’s unfair because Jimmy was positively green.  He wore his uniform (for a little extra kick) and his face was much the same colour. When the lawyer came over and informed us that bitchface had called the court to request an adjournment (I mean….. CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS BITCH????) we used some hideous profanities. Luckily we had a sympathetic Judge who heard all about what we had to do to get there and he wasn’t impressed by her bullshit at all! Eventually shit-for-brains swept into the courtroom sans lawyer and it took all my womanly strength not to turn around and beat the living shit out of her.

I decided that since I was looking all lady-like in a skirt and heels that I should perhaps behave myself and not become a contender for one of those "behaving badly shows."

When the Judge eventually heard the case my whole being just tensed up. I’m not sure I can say that I’ve ever been in that kind of anxious pain before in my l

ife!!! He wasn’t terribly impressed by Sally’s lack of legal representation and our attorney went for the jugular. Between the $366,500 she sold their property for (in 2006), the $32,000 in taxes she has stolen in the last 3 years and the absurd amount of child support she’s getting paid, crying poor was the last thing Mr. Judge wanted to hear. I snickered when he asked her if she worked and she said "no." He asked her why and she had no answer (I mean, telling a judge that work is below you would have put her in the poo-poo even more). He asked for the ages of the children and believe it or not, she got it wrong. The little old man sitting behind me grunted "she doesn’t even know how old her kids are!!!’ and I giggled. She basically looked like a fat, slovenly, lazy pig.

No… we didn’t get a divorce then and there. In NY you have the right to legal representation and since she rocked up without it, he gave her 30 days to pull her figner out and get one. Our lawyer said our best scenario is that she finds a kickass lawyer who will tell her she hasn’t got a hope in hell. The worst scenario is that this whole thing goes to trial. Either way our guy is pretty upbeat and isn’t worried about things too much.

So… that’s that.

We enjoyed a few days of tripping around NYC, seeing the sights and drinking lots of lovely East coast coffee. The major problem with NY is that it’s really easy to eat… and I wasn’t terribly good with my calories while there. Having said that I didn’t gain anything back (probably because I was walking all day everyday for hours and hours and hours…) so it’s pretty OK.

I have some pics I need to upload but i’ll do that in the next entry.

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