Why do we try to train the life out of lovers?III

What is this desperation we speak of under the guise of love, “I need you, I’m incomplete without you?” Etc.

“We seek in others what we think is lacking in us.”*

“You and only you have decided that your views of the world are “accurate,” and yet you have no idea how you formed those views. In fact, what you’re “seeing” is not truth, it is your perception projected out upon the world (or another.) You are merely “seeing” a reflection of what’s going on inside yourself.”*

It seems to me, the most powerful demonstration of love one can give another is the absence of “need!” That sickly, desperate “need” we have come to accept and call, “romantic love.”

I’m convinced, TRUE love is the gift of the absence of need, the absence of the attempt to control, AND the freedom to say, with truth, “I cannot be truly hurt by you.”

Ah, in this contemplative, spiritually connected and wise place, I am pleased the answers are presented with such clarity. Our challenge is to remember them when our lover appears!

INCREDIBLE sunset last night!

* Tenets of The Course In Miracles

I am astounded by your words, your thoughts. I have always tried to take responsibilty for my own emotions. Things in life are as I have allowed them to be. I do not want a lover who needs me to complete them. I do not need a lover to complete me. I want someone who enhances the wonder that is me, is him. I desire passion with the knowledge it is a gift I offer freely.

Amanda Cayhill

November 11, 2003

“Our challenge is to remember them” Indeed.

Ah, my husband has this philosophy down pat. It’s good in theory, but the vast majority of us ARE insecure and DO need. Me, for example. In theory, I’m fine with the fact that he says he doesn’t need me and would survive quite nicely without me. In reality, I’m on my knees, crippled by his apathy, which in theory, is just healthy. ??? I understand, but I understand many infeasible theories.

And, uh, not on my knees in a good way, lol.

You describe here an argument I had with my ex, and an argument I had with my last lover. Want vs Need. I maintain the same. To need someone is different, and not as healthy somehow as making the CHOICE to be with them. I don’t NEED anyone to complete me. However, I choose to be with them because I enjoy them… Neither man understood or accepted the argument. cont

To me, though, the active choice of being with them was much more of a compliment than the passiver desperation of “needing” them. I hope no idea this was also expressed so clearly in The Course of Miracles. I really must read it someday soon. bmh

loving*life

March 9, 2005

I DO need someone who dives in and asks me why I’m feeling the way I’m feeling — doesn’t avoid it. I crave emotional intimacy–the kind where you SAY what you’re feeling. That was never there with him….was a red flag from very early on. I chose to ignore that flag. Dove in anyway. Thought it could be insignificant to me. Well….it’s not. And I keep coming back to it. (con’t)

But, you’re right, Nunz…it’s my deficiency to deal with — not his. He is who he is. No one can change that — especially not a 39-year-old man set in his ways. It’s like I wrote the other day about hating to hear how women complain about their relationships, yet they find every excuse why they can’t get out. I need to either deal with T the way he is…or get out. I’m at a fork in the road

And, you know, so many obsticles in a relationship can be overcome with the simplest things — like a look he gives….or a gentle touch…or reconnecting by making love. I don’t get that. This distance is insurmountable. It’s killing us. Killing me. All we have is COMMUNICATION….and that’s his weak point.

You have captured the essence of why the majority of “love” affairs, licit or illicit, fail. It takes a lot of time and effort to reach the stage of being beyond need, the place where one can just be, and know that the one you love is in the same place with you.