So … a BABY? – 2nd Edit! (1 of 2)
Second Edit: 9/21/2004 @ 2:39 PM:
(I asked for and received permission from this 35 year-old, mother of three, private noter, to post her message for others to read. In case I post other such notes, I’ve assigned her the initials “SD.”)
"As a mother of three, I will admit, privately, to some things.
I didn’t plan my first pregnancy and in all honesty, wish sometimes that I didn’t have children so young (23). He was the reason for my marriage, although we had planned to be married before he was a factor.
I had three children, because like sex, once you say yes the first time, it’s harder to say no after.
While I love all my children and they are as much a part of who I am today as anything else I’ve done in my life, I know in my heart of hearts, that I would not have stayed married as long as I did or even possibly been married at all if I had not had them.
We, as a couple may have survived longer though, had we had time as a couple and not as parents immediately. The other side of the coin.
I don’t advocate having children young. Life should be lived, dreams should be followed. I will do my best to teach this to my children as they grow.
I love my kids, but I missed so much of me in raising them. I am now taking back some of my life and they will have to accept this. I am a human being, a woman, and a lover. Not just a mother.
I am 35 and proud to be so.
When I was very young, I thought I wanted 6 children. I was certain that all my babysitting skills and caring for my siblings prepared me for motherhood.
After my first one, I didn’t want anymore. Reality is harder when faced with postpartum depression and lack of family support."
"SD"
Edit: 9/21/2004 @ 12:20PM:
I’m starting to see a trend in the responses to this entry. The MOST vocal and derisive comments are coming from the most youthful and inexperienced women. As an example, one is age 17 and is 9 months pregnant. Another is age 20, single with no children BUT, “been babysitting her nieces for the last four years,” who, I just discovered, has blocked me from responding to her notes. Interesting response when hearing information you don’t agree with … block the source.
Aw hell, I’m not bothered. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. ALL other opinions are just as valid as mine. I’m not trying to change anyone’s opinion, just advocating more thought should go into the parental decision. Maybe doing so might affect the divorce rate?
Those that want children should have them and those that don’t, don’t!
First, in the interest of full disclosure, I chose (along with my ex-wife) to not have children. We married at my age twenty-five and two weeks after returning from the honeymoon, I had a vasectomy. We divorced seventeen years later, at my age 42.
It was the most spectacular, loving relationship I’ve had. It was like a seventeen-year date … well, except for the last 2 – 3 years, when it all went south. We always had the money and the time to do what we wanted; clothes, trips to Europe, new cars, etc. We never longed for a baby to “complete” our family. We were a complete family of two and loved it.
Some have asked me why my marriage “failed?” First, neither my ex-wife nor I consider it a “failure.” Actually, I consider seventeen years quite a success. Why did it end then? I’m not sure I really know. The best I’ve been able to come up with is the recognition of the frailty of the human condition; that we have things to learn from each other and when we learn them, the need to stay together is diminished. We just grew into different people that chose to no longer live together.
She still lives with the same man she met 3 months after she and I split. She’s never married again and neither have I. She remains one of my best friends to this day.
I am convinced however, that children, and their attendant demands and pressure, would have accelerated the end of my marriage.
When, I looked at our peers who got married and had children, I just couldn’t understand why they turned their lives upside down by adding children. The urge seems to be strongest at a time in our lives when we are least capable of understanding it; when we are just beginning the adult stage of our psychological development. We naively think, the child will add some component of “completeness” or “love” to our lives. We have this unrealistic and idealistic picture of the child completing the “family picture” we have in our mind’s eye. It looks to me like the pursuit of idealistic (unachievable) love.
In one entry here on OD, I wrote;
“In all cases I’m aware of, children seem to drive a wedge between the lovers. For all the "benefits" children bring to a relationship, it seems to be at an incredible cost to the intimacy, privacy, closeness, independence, finances, freedom, spontaneity, and physical energy of the parents.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"
> The parent’s (once called lovers) center of the universe shifts from each other, to the child. Soon, it’s not uncommon to hear,
"What happened to us, we used to hold hands, walk, make love whenever we wanted; now there’s no time or energy.”
And, when frustration and disappointment overcome, we divorce.
We do all this for children we must ultimately teach to move away from us, both physically and emotionally, and we do it at the cost of the lover we wanted to spend eternity with!
It is a Don Quixote, unfulfillable dream. Forgive me for wanting to skip it.
I think most people just slip, unthinkingly, into the parental role society and their parents defined for them. They become conscious of their choice long after it’s been made.”
Though I do know the choice of no children was the right one for me, I do not offer that belief as any panacea for others. I am not suggesting clothes, trips, or cars, in place of children. The only strong opinion and clear statement I offer here for consideration and discussion, is the belief that we slide into parenthood with very little, if any, advance thinking or preparation of the difficulty of the task.
I’m not talking about the surface preparations like getting a bigger house, what color to paint the nursery, or how long the stay-at-home-mom will take off work. I’m saying, I don’t believe we prepare ourselves, emotionally, financially, or psychologically, for the task ahead.
<span style="FONT-FAMILY:
‘Book Antiqua’; mso-bidi-font-size: 27.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: ‘Times New Roman'”>The BIGGEST question is, how will we deal with the continual pressure?
In my view, parenthood would be well served if it were postponed until our “forties,” rather than in our “teens – twenties!” (That will generate some responses!)
In my thirty-year profession as a financial advisor, I continually and repeatedly see the emotional and financial pressure of children in nearly every client I have.
Much of my work is to bring balance back into the parent’s life; encouraging them to find and develop their own goals, independent of the children. Recently, as an example, I was brought to tears by finding the money to help a woman return to the violin lessons she left behind when she left her parent’s house as a seventeen year old, “un-wed mother,” as we called it then. She had long ago given up the dream of mastering the violin.
<span style="FONT-FAMILY: ‘Book Antiqua’; mso-fareast-font-family: ‘Arial Unicode MS’; mso-bidi-font-family: ‘Ti
You can NEVER be prepared for parenthood, much as you can never be prepared for most of life’s little “surprises.” Reading on…
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Babies are like puppies – they are all cute when they are little, then they grow up. I’ve gotten more pleasure from my 4 legged children than I got from my only 2 legged child. He is 25.
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I will respond in an entry. A girlfriend of mine and I were having a discussion on this very subject. The pros, the cons, the “should you or shouln’t you”. I completely see your point. I live it, I understand the pros and most defintely the cons.
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Ok, well ya know how I’m laughing on this one…. Trying with all my might to stay off that soapbox that is coming at me full speed ahead!! lol “In my view, parenthood would be well served if it were postponed until our “forties,” rather than in our “twenties!” ~ Amen, absolutaly, You go!!…. Ok, enough afirmation. If only we knew then what we know now… Altho I was a late in (cont.)
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2 ~ life Mom. I had mine between 31 and 35. Most of my friends are becoming Grandparents…. lol And I’ve left my feelings on this before. I believe we can keep ourselves as well as be there for our kids. (not talking the financial here… ;o) ) Many have a hard time “seeing” how devoted I am because of what I look like. Ok, going to read the second part…
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aww i hope all works out… im young 19 an i have a dughter an ill tell ya its NOT easy… you made me cry in your entry i hope me an my fieance last that long… xoxo
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Made me sit back and analyze my current situation.. I’m currently going through a divorce and have two children. I think you hit the nail on head with quite a few points that you made. I enjoyed this entry, thank you. =)
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Well, the only problem I can see with waiting until 40 to have childeren is that it becomes exponentially more dangerouse for women to give birth as they age. Twenty is about the safest time and puts less stress on a womans body.
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While I was running the other day I was thinking that children usually cause couples to grow apart instead of closer. The focus becomes nurturing the children and everything else becomes secondary. But as you found out even without children the tendency is to become estranged as time goes on. Long term relationships take an incredible amount of care and tending to stay viable. Who has the energy.
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If two parents spilt up it’s not the childs fault and the fact that you not even having children wrote that really upsets me, I’m not a parent yet but I have two adorible little nieces and the fact that someone would blame parents spilting up on children really ticks me off.
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Really baby… The pleasure was all mine. =)
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Okay I am trying my hardest to supress the many emotions that are arising in me after reading your entry. First and foremost, I DON’T THINK THAT CHILDREN ARE A BURDEN AT ALL. They are God’s little miracles to us. If everyone thought like you and the people that agreed with you did,the earth’s population would be diminshing as we speak.
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(I’m not done.) Also, I am sorry to hear that you feel having children ruins a relationship. Yet, you did not need children to ruin your relationship. It just got messed up on its own, with out the help of a 3rd party. I also can not see how any woman would agree to you and your beliefs. It is our life duty to procreate and make life on this earth. Your taking away the true meaning of all that.
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(I’m still not done.) Basically in a nut shell all I really have to say to you is that I am sorry you feel the way you feel BUT even if my spouse/lover and I did encounter many problems. Never in a millions years would I blame it on the child. The problems that arise between us 2 are from us. Not the child. It is us alone that must deal with them and must learn not to blame them on others.
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(LAST NOTE) BUT YOU DEFINETLY DO NOT BLAME YOUR PROBLEMS ON YOUR CHILDREN.
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ok mister smarty pants, so now how do I put/change the photo on my diary main page? I tried the img src= thing, but I got another f-ing X
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and now I see she is 17 AND PREGNANT. I could go a million places with that, but I won’t.
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Hmmmm, I have nothing to add. =)
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As a mother of three I will admit, privately, to some things. I didn’t plan my first pregnancy and in all honesty, wish sometimes that I didn’t have children so young (23). He was the reason for my marriage, although we had planned to be married before he was a factor. I had three children, because like sex, once you say yes the first time, it’s harder to say no after.
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While I love all my children and they are as much a part of who I am today as anything else I’ve done in my life, I know in my heart of hearts, that I would not have stayed married as long as I did or even possibly been married at all if I had not had them. We, as a couple may have survived longer though, had we had time as a couple and not as parents immediately. The other side of the coin.
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I don’t advocate having children young. Life should be lived, dreams should be followed. I will do my best to teach this to my children as they grow. I love my kids, but I missed so much of me in raising them. I am now taking back some of my life and they will have to accept this. I am a human being, a woman and a lover. Not just a mother.
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The picture of the mother and child is beautiful. I want children and I don’t necessarily think that having children has to put such a strain on your love life. I think people let it, all too often, but it can be prevented. However, the point of this note is to tell you that I agree with your age recommendation.
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40 might be a little old because women’s eggs get old and the longer we wait, the harder it is, but there’s no reason why couples need to have kids before their 30s. There’s so much going on in our twenties. We’re starting our careers, our relationships, etc. and to add children to the mix is almost relationship suicide.
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Amen to that! Parenting is a lot harder than people give it credit for. =)
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Sometimes I even wish birth control was retroactive. Did I say that outloud??
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I chose not to have children. We travel and enjoy life. I will admit it is a very selfish choice but to have children is that a choice not something you have to do to be a complete human being. Every night on the news there is some parent on there that has abused their child some in some way & it does prove not every one should be a parent.
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Always amazes me when anyone compares being a parent to babysitting, or being an Uncle/Aunt. I’ve even had people say “Oh, I have dogs… I know what you mean” What?? lol (now, I love my dog, but it’s not the same as raising a child!)… checking out the next edit.
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To Tigressa, I cannot access your diary because I am not on your favorites list. But as a response to your note about BxCharm6969, yes she is 17 and pregnant, but who are you to say that she is on Welfare? She bought her baby’s clothes and supplies with her own money. Yes, she does work. And the baby’s father is involved in his childs life. So, before you make any assumptions, know the facts.
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for their children. Would you also call that unwise? In a way…business wise, I would say, “yes.” At the same time however, children are an investment…if one is able to provide them with “better” then perhaps the interest would be returned. Ironicaly, all though I benefit from that type of thought…I do consider it unwise.
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Well I’m glad to see that my notes stirred up something.1st of all I am not on welfare.Lets get that out of the way.2nd of all,if you know nothing about me, PLEASE do not judge nor assume.We ALL know what happens when you assume(except in this case you just make an ass out of yourself.)And lastly, I don’t think that my age is a factor in this “disucssion”.A mother is a mother regardless of age.
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ALSO,to those that felt to get vulgar and tell me that I need a dick in my ass.I think the immaturity finger should be pointed at you. WOW I am only 17 years old and I am going to have a baby BUT you are the one that sounds like a grade school child just saying random things to annoy me.But since I am 17 and VERY mature for my age, that kind of nonsense does not even bother me.Try again next time.
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*reading notes* wow… this entry has certainly stirred up some excitement, hasn’t it? lol ~Magnar~
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Hi Ashley, [BxCharm6969] You are absolutely correct. Those comments were entirely inappropriate. IÂ’m sorry someone momentarily forgot their manners on MY diary. I have eliminated the offensive note and offer you my apology that you were subjected to such commentary. God bless,
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Thank you a lot for deleting those notes. I am not trying to stir up controversy between anyone.I just felt that I would put my opinion out there like everyone else.Some people agree with me and some people will not.Not everyone thinks the same and that is what makes us all different.I just feel that children are a blessing and I am glad to soon be a mother(regardless of my age).God Bless You Too
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Yes I DO feel that parenting is very hard but it also depends on how you look at it.One person might look at it as a chance to share something beautiful with someone that they love and other people might see it as something else that you have to feed and clothe and take care of. I mean a child is not a pet.They are people(little)just like us and they have feelings and emotions.
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And I do not think that anyone would appreciate their parents telling them later on in life that the reason for their divorce was them.It’s bad enough that the child might have already thought that at the time of the divorce.But to verify it for them.I do not think that anyone could tell their child that.And maybe having a child does ruin marriages/relationships.I don’t think that it is the child
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..itself that ruins the relationship.I think it is the lack of responsibility between the 2people.Just because 2people love each other doesn’t neccessarily mean that they should have kids together and in Nunzio’s case want to have children together.It is up to the couple.Maybe it is for the best that if they feel that a child would ruin their relationship or create problems between them, it might
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..be better if they didn’t have kids.Yet I still think that a child is not a burden on everyone.It is all a matter of opinion and perspective. 😀 SMOOCHES
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hilarious.
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I loved reading this entry and the response that has been generated by it! I think that for both sides of this argument there are positive and negative aspects… it is for an individual to decide what is right for them. Now I am going to keep reading as this is very entertaining!
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No big deal Nunzio.
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Katiemac is wrong. Many women are more physically and mentally prepared to give birth/be parents in their 40’s than they were in their 20’s. I always wanted to have children; I tried and tried, but couldn’t have any. I married a man with a daughter, and she enhances our lives. But I’d want to be in her life whether or not I married her dad. It’s just impossible to make broad statements.
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At least, it’s impossible to make broad statements accurately.
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RYN: Yup, I got all your messages, thanks Nunzio**** BTW, you ROCK (((((Hugs*)))))
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No-one is ever fully prepared for parenthood – whether you’re 19 or 49! Becoming a parent is all about sacrifice and that’s why some people choose not to have children. Because they know they couldn’t do it to the best of their ability. There is no right or wrong time to have a child – you could be financially, emotionally and psychologically prepared one day and the next everything changes!
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Nice Diary! I’m new to OD, and currently trying to figure out the workings of a submissive relationship. I look foward to reading more of your works.
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some day marriage will probably become an outdated institution it takes time for the human species to evolve…
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Nunzio, I found your entry through Tigressa. I just wrote a response to it in my diary. (I don’t want children either.)
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