So … a BABY? (2 of 2)
Baby steps
Couples often discover the transition to parenthood can put strain on a marriage
By Cheryl Rosenberg Neubert
KNIGHT RIDDER NEWS SERVICE
September 19, 2004
SANTA ANA – We heard about the sex. Or the lack thereof.
Any time a couple mentions they are considering having children, or a woman becomes pregnant for the first time, the whole No Sex thing follows the knowing, smarmy smirk of "Your life is going to change."
But no one really tells you what that means. Sure, they might talk about sleepless nights, endless diaper changes and spit-up. But they fail to mention how children profoundly change people and how they can strain a marriage to the breaking point.
"We don’t think our marriages are going to take more time," said Carol Ummel Lindquist, a Laguna Beach psychotherapist and marriage counselor who wrote "Happily Married With Kids: It’s Not Just a Fairy Tale."
Many parents-to-be imagine hours of blissful bonding together with baby. Reality can be quite different. Among new parents, 67 percent say they have less sex, less fun and more arguments – especially during the first five years of their child’s life. Ummel Lindquist calls them the "danger years."
"If you don’t make yourselves a priority, you’re hurting your kids," she said.
The transition from partnership to parenthood might be bumpy, but it’s not impossible, say three Orange County couples in different phases of child-rearing.
The beginning
Lori Ring obsessively watched the childbirth programs on the Discovery Channel while she was pregnant with Jacob. She figured if she closely observed each nuance, grimace and grunt, she’d be prepared for her own labor and delivery.
Right.
"No amount of forewarning can tell you what labor is," Ring said. "It’s the same thing when you have a child. You can’t prepare for the stress, lack of sleep or the way it changes your relationship."
Ring is a Ph.D. candidate at the University of California Los Angeles. Her husband of six years, Erik, is an engineer. Jacob was born in December. Erik stays home one day during the week so Lori can go to school.
"We’re both trying to juggle so many balls, sometimes there’s not much left for each other," Lori said. "We plop down in front of the TV, eat dinner and go to sleep.
"We’re really good friends, and that’s a strength. We fall into roles, and that allows us to get through. We worry about the lack of romance and intimacy. It’s OK in the short term, but it’s going to be important to recapture that for the long term. For the first time in my life, I see how marriages unravel over time. What do couples do together?"
Both struggle with their identities. Lori is now essentially a stay-at-home mom, and she worries that Erik might not respect her as much because she doesn’t have an outside career.
Erik can’t work as many hours, so he feels he’s not giving his all at work.
"I want to support my wife and kid in ways other than a paycheck," Erik says. "It’s a struggle. There’s definitely moments when you’re choosing one or the other."
<p style="MARGIN-BOTTOM: 0pt”>They consciously work on being supportive of each other – except maybe in those dark hours in the middle of the night when Jacob is yelling for the fourth time.
"We’re in tune to the fact that watching Jacob is hard and can be stressful," Erik said. "We try to give each other breaks, and I try to stay in tune with when Lori’s at the end of her rope. But it really is day-in and day-out. It’s not like other things in life."
The middle
Kelly Kunkle knew exactly where he would fall on his wife’s priority list when their son was born four years ago, and when their daughter came along two years later.
"The kids, the dog, then maybe me," Kelly said. "At least I didn’t have any illusions."
Kelly and Jennifer Kunkle, of San Clemente, have been married almost seven years. They are each other’s best friends – a fact often forgotten once the children arrived. Being a great parent didn’t always translate to being a great spouse for either one.
Jennifer didn’t consider that Kelly had, in a sense, lost his wife. Her mind and body were occupied with taking care of children. "I was not fun," Jennifer said. "I was hormonal and emotional."
They sought counseling. They read books. They learned to communicate in a positive way, to remember they’re on the same team. They made sure they had a monthly date night.
Kelly watched the kids so his wife had a weekly night out alone. Jennifer made sure Kelly had fun with the kids – like giving them baths instead of just sticking him with diaper duty.
"We are in each other’s corner." Kelly said. "Even when our hands are around each other’s metaphorical throats, we had to stop and remind ourselves of the prize at the end of the journey.
"You can lose yourself in raising your kids. Truly happy people also have a good sense of balance in life."
The end
This time, they ended up drinking beers – out of paper bags – in front of a general store out in Trabuco Canyon. The next, it was the beach view from the Ritz-Carlton. And the first little drive took them to a sidewalk cafe in Tijuana.
Debbie Garcia was having a hard time adjusting to life in Rancho Santa Margarita, where she moved with her family last year from San Antonio. So her husband, Angel, started taking her on drives to help her get to know the area.
It is just one way the Garcias have kept their marriage thriving, after three kids and 22 years together.
"I know he’s doing these things for me from his heart," Debbie said. "That’s how he proves he loves me. It’s important."
The Garcia children – Jeremy, 25; Jennifer, 21; and Jacob, 17 – have turned down nights out with friends to have dinner with their parents. They go on vacations. They go to the movies. They go for long, long drives.
That is not to say there haven’t been issues. Jeremy is Debbie’s son from her first marriage. He was 3 when she married Angel, creating an instant family. Jennifer was a honeymoon baby. Jacob came along three years later, and wasn’t an easy infant. Angel got a new job that involved travel. The relationship became tense.
"I felt like I was doing it on my own," Debbie said.
Then in 1988, they moved to Texas from the Modesto area. They had no extended family and had to rely upon each other.
"The focus was so much on the kids," Debbie said. "It was a wake-up call. The marriage was not solid."
They needed alone time. They flew in Grandma to watch the children and took a trip to Cancun.
"We met this older couple. Just watching them, how their marriage was, we had the greatest time," Debbie said. "It was an eye-opener."
<p style="MARGIN-BOTTOM: 0pt”>It’s a lesson she still is learning.
"There was a time I was making the whole marriage work," Debbie said. "We all think that way. A lot of times you don’t think your husband is involved. We don’t see the little things. I learned to be patient and look for the little things that let me know that this is my mate and I really, really love him. There are times in the past when I didn’t see them and I regret that."
Find this article at:
http://www.signonsandiego.com/uniontrib/20040919/news_1c19baby.html
Healthy marriages require proper care and feeding
By Cheryl Rosenberg Neubert
KNIGHT RIDDER NEWS SERVICE
September 19, 2004
LAGUNA BEACH – Carol Ummel Lindquist, when she was a new parent, had no trouble finding books to read or other moms to consult with about how to care for her baby. But she couldn’t find resources to help her care for her marriage.
She and her husband, like many couples, were not prepared for the exponential effect of adding a baby to their marital equation.
"It’s so confusing," Ummel Lindquist said. "How could I be married to such a nice guy who loved the kids, and yet I could be so mad at him? And how could I be so unhappy?"
Her boys are now teenagers. But Ummel Lindquist, a Laguna Beach psychotherapist and marriage counselor, hasn’t forgotten the trials her marriage went through when her children were little. She wrote "Happily Married With Kids: It’s Not Just a Fairy Tale" to help couples cope.
"Children themselves are not the problem," Ummel Lindquist writes. "The parents’ reaction to the children creates the problem. Adding one or two new little people to a relationship creates a normal crisis, but a crisis nonetheless."
Ummel Lindquist offers these tips:
Make your marriage a priority. "It’s time alone together. You have the feeling of connection and warmth and fun. You need consistent time that nurtures your relationship."
Talk about your own childhoods and the kind of childhood you want your children to have. "It’s going to affect how you parent and gives you background on each other."
Find an older, happily married couple to help guide you. "Happy couples have a very different perspective."
Use truce triggers. During a discussion, use a word or a nonverbal signal that means "Let’s start over."
Fight as if the windows are open. "If you’re screaming, you’re setting your kid up for low self-esteem or being from a divorced family."
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Find this article at:
http://www.signonsandiego.com/uniontrib/20040919/news_1c19babyside.html
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These articles voiced many of the reasons I’m in no hurry to get married, despite my son’s grandparents less-than-casual coaxing. I love my boyfriend and know he loves me, and if one day he asks me to marry him then I’ll certainly say yes. But I know better than to jump into a major binding contract just because of a little baby-produced social pressure. Kids are no reason to get married.
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Oh my… Folks use kids as the excuse at times. The couple’s foundation is key. I’ve seen lots of folks still be “couples” after children. The marriage being priority just “is”. Yes, kids take “time”. But? The “job” of parenting is to help your child grow up to be a healthy, independant, adult with integrity and morals. Part of that is showing how to have a healthy relationship. JMO *hugs*
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I completly agree with you. While my parents never divorced, I was most certainly a strain on their relationship. They’ve lived in tension as long as I can remember. But here’s a problem from younger adults such as myself. A lot of our parents, start in on the “We want grandbabies” kind of early. So then we have this feeling that we of course need to please them, which perpetuates… (C)
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…The cycle of broken relationships due to children, and inability to handle the stress. I for one, have chosen to take the stance that, its my life, and I for one am completly unable to handle children right now, and I see nothing in my future to convince me otherwise. However, very interesting entry, I enjoyed reading it. Mind if I add you to my favorites?
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ryn: I will take that as your permission and will gladly “link” you. I have a code of ethics that will not allow me to link someone without permission.
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interesting articles and points of view. While i do agree that kids do put a strain on marriages, and most probably are the cause of many relationship break downs. I do not really see it as a ‘con’ to having children. They are a challenge, and challenges only make you stronger, no matter the out come. I do think that many people use kids as an excuse for prior relationship breakdowns. JMO 😉
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A very interesting angle on things…I just feel that in a strong healthy relationship if BOTH parties WANT children and realise the need to invest even more into keeping their relationship solid then children can make something perfect even more so…I think it all comes down to how much you value and invest into your relationship. Kids are great for some and not for others 🙂 but well written!
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you said “We always had the money and the time to do what we wanted; clothes, trips to Europe, new cars, etc” this is how i feel. do i want to give those things up for children? i can’t answer that right now.
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Boy that one made me sit back and “reflect!” Thanks for sharing! How’ve you been anyway?
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RYN: I have been preparing myself for marriage and children since I was 15 years old not only by watching and researching what goes on in other couples lives who have children but for the last four years I have spent a majority of my time taking care of my nieces. The only reason marriages fail is because the two people give up, if a marriage lasts it’s because the people want it to last. CONT
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CONT. I have also spent a good deal of my time on pregnancy and child raising websites learning all I can. As for trying again I stand by what I said before Children do not wedge parents apart Parents wedge themselves apart.
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Thanks
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hehe..that’s cool..life would be boring if we all had the same thoughts wouldn’t it?
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*ahem* “Children Drive Wedges Between Two Lovers”
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I try and remind myself of all the things that I have being unmarried with no kids (foster kids don’t count as they don’t technically belong to me, lol) but when I am old, I can’t help but think that things and experiences and creature comforts will, I suspect, mean little to me in comparison to the love and ~Magnar~
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memories of a family held dear in my heart. I think I would want those things, no matter the hard work. but that said, I do agree with you on many points, it is the flip side and a very realistic one …always the idealist though, I keep thinking that there has to be a way to find balance if it’s wanted badly enough. It would be most ~Magnar~
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difficult, I would imagine, when the children are very young, as their physical and emotional needs often demand precedence, but I do believe that in every way possible your partner has to have first priority. When you let go of that is where the problems begin. I think. maybe someday I’ll let you know if I was right, lol. = ) ~Magnar~
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Ryn: He does look nice, doesn’t he? Maybe details, maybe not. Not sure yet.
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Bambi doesn’t scare me. Tell her I said hi.
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ryn: od won’t (usually) let me stamp my name anywhere. the latest of glitches… *sigh* lol ~Magnar~
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Ryn: Whatever. You know you’re the only guy on earth I’d like to make miserable day in and day out. Bambi still isn’t threatening to me though. My ass is better.
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RYN: Oh forgive me “I’m aware of, children seem to drive a wedge between the lovers” either way I ‘m done
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I think that the reactions parents have towards situations involving their children are what cause tension in marriages. Children, I don’t think, directly cause the tension. If there isn’t a strong marriage to begin with, the fights (among lovers) caused by children will only accelerate the deterioration of the marriage.
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~smiles~ RYN: you may repost without my identity as I am trying to keep me private due to the spies I spoke about before that sent me into private status in the first place. I don’t have an issue with you reposting it though. you can abbreviate my od name to SD if you want.
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I did do the thing, I just did not type it in my note.
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RYN: I am 35 and proud to be so. ~smiles~ When I was very young I thought I wanted 6 children. I was certain that all my babysitting skills and caring for my siblings prepared me for motherhood. After my first one, I didn’t want anymore. Reality is harder when faced with postpartum depression and lack of family support.
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Ryn: Oh yeah…like you would know.
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Ryn: fine. I guess you do know. Thanks. BTW, I kinda hate it when you’re right.
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This is all so true! I may write an entry about this because I sure have lived it! LOL!
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Actually, no they’re not. It’s not me being paranoid, or thinking my biological clock is ticking – hell, I don’t plan on even trying to get pregnant for at least another two years – it’s a biological truth. Women’s eggs weaken and the longer they wait, the harder it is to get pregnant and Down’s Syndrome is still a concern to women who wait.
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That’s not to say that all women who wait are destined to either have a child with DS or end up with fertility problems, but it does get riskier with age. However, some women seem to think they have to be done having children by the time they’re 30 and that’s just ridiculous.
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RYN: Wow, Nunzio. You are good. 🙂 The whole “I will love you if you show me you love me more” sounds exactly like me. But just so you know, I am aware that my noters give me excellent advice. That is why I write in here. I get an insight into myself here that I might not otherwise get.
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Okay, so I’m a retard. I just re-read your note and realized I complete missed the YOUR eggs will be just FINE. Err, yes, of course my eggs will be just fine because I’m fucking adorable. Obviously, my kids will be adorable. You caught me at a serious moment yesterday. Don’t let it happen again.
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lol, all of your articles are from the San Diego paper, that is how she knows and why she (Candygrl) mentions wanting to take a trip there. She’s watchin’ you babydoll. She wants to take you and make you her biatch. hahahahahahahhahahahahhahahaha. I think its funny. Oh, and was it Tigressa that said the little girl was on welfare, and if so did you reprimand her in a private note?
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I do bad things all the time you know. Will you punish me please?
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One more thing… I think I’ll leave Candygrl a message telling her that you saw she might be coming to San Diego soon and that you are all excited about it. Also tell her you said you’d like to get her drunk and take advantage of her. hee hee hee. Does THAT make you wanna punish me? I hope so…
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OK, so then how do I control that raging ego of mine? And how do I know when it’s my ego talking or common sense? For example, we met up last night and I’d like to call him this morning to say hello. Part of me says, wait for him to call first. Is that common sense talking or my ego?
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RYN: Both. I am afraid of rejection, of getting attached only to find he doesn’t feel the same. I am also afraid that if we do get into a relationship, it won’t work out and I will hurt him or he will hurt me. I feel like I can’t trust my own judgement with men, can’t evaluate whether or not he would make a good partner. My last relationship was a disaster, and my ex was not who he appeared to be.
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I also feel like with this man in particular, I shouldn’t bother starting anything unless I am totally serious about him… and I am still not sure.
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Ryn: You know you just turn me on more when you talk like that to me.
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RYN: Thank you for the advice. As of right now, I don’t think the situation is drastic enough to warrant the help of a professional… But I am definitely willing to consider it if I see a pattern forming with all my potential relationships. I think you were right in one of your previous notes – that getting my heart broken once might be a GOOD thing… Honestly, if I had played the same kind of
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mind games on every guy I dated, someone is bound to kick me to the curb, and not in a nice way. Hell, if R. had done the things to me that I had done to him, I would be crushed.
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Never tried that, but I wouldn’t object.
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Can we have stand-up sex in a crowded club please?
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I just read a note you left a mutal favorite and can I just say, (once again) right on brother!!!!!
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oh yeah still waiting….
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It’s impossible to put a value on something won through hard work. My college education was very difficult. Often I missed family get-togethers, social events, and I lived quite poorly for 6 years. However, I made it through. I would never in a million years imagine that minimum wage and the “freedom” of not going to college would have been the right choice for me.
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A realistic view of sacrifice vs result is necessary to make a good choice. Why should having children be any more or less satisfactory than sacrificing for a college education? As long as people understand the ramifications of the choices they make. The problem is that too many people either make the choice to have kids lightly… or don’t make the choice at all (OOPS!). That’s a shame.
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If you think a child isn’t going to put a strain on a relationship then you really are not prepared for children! It’s almost like a calculated risk you take when you decide to have a child – and it’s important that you be selfish in ensuring you have your own couple time. My parents have been married 27 years, have 3 children and are still dating and in love!
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I love your entries by the way – I hope it’s alright that I add you to my favs list.
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ryn: How do you ALWAYS know just how to make me tear up? Geez? Was wondering where you’ve been!Thanks for your notes. I really appreciate them!
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Ryn: NO, I don’t think I do have it, lol. Probably because you know if I did, I would come up w/a way to get there!
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ryn~that’s exactly the kind of feedback I was looking for!
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RYN~I think I may have left some seeds in my peppers last night, which provided that extra kick and burn. Still YUM!!! Gotta try em!!
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RYN: A-L-L of them huh? Not a bad idea now that you brought it up:)
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Ryn: I don’t wanna say too much about him at this point.
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Ryn: bite me.
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ryn- Ummmmmm yeah, that would be me!! Wanna find out just how sexually agressive they can be?!?!? *wink* =)
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Great to see you back, man!
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I know you did that. Thank you. I don’t know why you aren’t answering the phone. I know it is the end of the month, but I just miss you today and want to tell you hi. : (
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Ryn: You wish you were just a one-nighter. I’d chain you to my bed if I wouldn’t get arrested for it.
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ryn: ;o) Thank you sir… *hugs ya*
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I think it was a trick…I am still looking and can’t see it either!
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RYN: BITE MY ASS!!!!
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Hi Sweetie, with regards to your entries ….. yes, all relationships need a lot of tender loving care and attention. However, for me …….there is nothing on Gods Earth like kiddies. Until you have experienced that “bond”, then you will never know the sheer force of “unconditional love”. No doubt, you will tell me otherwise! I’m here and waiting. lolol Take care now Love Annie xx
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