Now THIS is a Valentine’s Day Wish! (Edit)
Recently a noter to my diary engaged me with some provocative dialog. Not questions of me so much but "questions asked of the universe in general." It got me thinking and as I did, the response grew beyond her questions and beyond the limits of Notes.
So then, here it is:
Great entry. Great questions. Now address the one of the available, mature, stable woman who couldn’t get a date in a "prison with a handful of pardons.” Don’t get me wrong. I’m happy with life, happy with my career, mostly satisfied with my personal life. Sometimes, though, it would be nice to go to dinner with a real live M.A.N. *shrugs*
I’ve been asking myself the question, "what am I doing wrong?" This could be an entire entry rather than a note.
Wrong? I’d say it a little differently … I’m starting with the belief that we pick our lovers based on our level of development. If one wanted to know their own level of development, one need only look at their lover(s), past and present. There is a reflection of our developed self; what we are drawn to; what we are on the inside. If that is true, it changes the question from, “What am I doing wrong?” to, “Why do I continue to dance in front of men below my level of development?"
Observations: I’ve noticed the women who seem to do best on the "market" have something of vulnerable mystique about them. Something I haven’t figured out how to project. I’m goal directed, capable of being alone but I want a man in my life, but I don’t need a man in my life to complete me. *sighs* I can’t explain it to myself, much less you.
If this has been a choice, I chose it long long ago, sometime in my childhood.
I don’t understand how to become vulnerable enough to be desirable. So instead, I’ll desire and dream yet find satisfaction in other areas of my life.
(I’m not sure I’m interpreting your use of the word, “vulnerable” correctly, but here goes.) As to your statement, "women who project vulnerability do best" … I’d say, only to men who are not developing. Men who ARE developed, or willingly on the path to it, welcome “Partners” not dependency. Additionally, why would you want to conceal your capable, independent self and instead, project vulnerability? Have you not been working all your life toward the achievement of independence? Your independence is to be celebrated, not hidden!
Men who are willingly developing are not threatened by independent, capable women. They are drawn to them, aroused by them. How could we not be, she is showing us her magnificence, her brilliance?
If that is not occurring for you, I say you are dancing before men below your level of development. Maybe your view of self has you aming too low for a lover?
Our Deepest Fear
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant,
gorgeous, talented, fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be?
<span style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt; FONT-FAMILY: 'Bookman Old Style'; mso-bidi-font-size: 13.5pt; mso-bidi
-font-family: ‘Times New Roman'”>You are a child of God.
Your playing small does not serve the world.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking
so that other people won’t feel insecure around you.
We are all meant to shine, as children do.
We were born to make manifest
the glory of God that is within us.
It’s not just in some of us; it is in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine,
we unconsciously give other people
permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear,
our presence automatically liberates others.
(Although this text is frequently attributed to Nelson Mandela for his Inaugural address in 1994, it appears the original text was written by Marianne Williamson for her book, A Return To Love. © 1992 (Paperback; pp 190-191))
Besides, how long would a relationship last with a man you had attracted by projecting an artificial attribute to? You’d burn through him in a New York second!
So, based on your "level of development" theory, are you assuming we all know on a subconscious level who everyone around us truly is?
YES, exactly! Well, not everyone, but we DO subconsciously know all about the person we’re attracted to.
If, when walking into a room, you see a man and feel a rush of, “Chemistry,” a thought of, “God! WHO is THAT? … I’ve GOT to have him!” I’d opine, that may be chemistry you’re feeling but it’s (probably) not good chemistry. Rather, it is (probably) the surfacing of your own dysfunctional attraction to YOUR narcotic … dysfunction meets dysfunction, so to speak!
To make the, “we are attracted to lovers at our level of development,” point dramatically – A woman, physically abused by her alcoholic father, grows up to find an alcoholic man who will physically abuse her because, that is her CONCEPT of love. She was IMPRINTED by her father just as the duckling, emerging from its shell, is imprinted by the first thing it sees, maybe a cat, as its mom.
It doesn’t FEEL like that to her (that she is searching for an abusive male) because she is TRULY attracted to this man, ("chemistry") but she is only “attracted” because that is her imprinted concept of love. (Her choice of lovers may not be a carbon copy of her father, but he will probably have the significant attributes of him.)
Our example woman may continue to repeat the cycle of abusive men (or other dysfunctions) until later, after her fourth trip to the Emergency Room, she MIGHT say “Enough!” At that second, it LOOKS like she’s become aware of her selection process (her development level) but we’ll only know for sure when we see her next selection of a lover.
We are certainly not naive or innocent in picking our “wrong” lovers. Frequently, we wish to not take responsibility for our choices, we will come up with a litany of excuses about why we are innocent in the construct of our own life. We’ve all heard responses that go something like this …
“I had ABSOLUTELY no idea he/she was a (fill in your favorite) drug addicted, alcoholic, emotionally abusive, physically abusive, liar, cheater, murderer, promiscuous, dysfunctional, narcissistic, asshole, until after I married him/her.” Or …
“He/she was everything I wanted and then he/she changed!” Or …
“I can’t believe my luck in ending up with assholes. Again and again, these jerks find me.
God, are there no nice men out there?”
Sorry, it’s not true. We pick our lovers because of their similarity to our early imprinting of the concepts of love as taught to us by our parents (typically) or, if not our parents, our “Major caregivers,” as the therapist calls them.
If there are serial "assholes" appearing in our life, it’s because WE are attracted to them and refuse to examine our need to choose them. A series of “jerks” appearing in our life is a sign for some serious self-assessment. Repetitive abuse, or unfulfilled desires, is not foisted upon us but chosen by us! After all, who is in charge of our life (and our choices, lovers or otherwise) if not us? (I’ve written on this subject before … this might be of interest.)
Edit 02/14/2005 @ 23:20:41
It struck me as I reread this that the benefit to accepting that we actually CHOOSE our own pain by picking unhealthy lovers may not be obvious. So to clarify …
The value in knowing this is that, once we accept we are choosing pain, the follow-up observation is not far off – “If I’m choosing it, that means I can stop choosing it.”
By accepting the responsibility for our own pain, we are given the key to a painless life!
Nevertheless, watch how we struggle to not accept the responsibility. To do so means we can no longer blame someone for our feelings. We will fight desperately to retain the narcotic of blame. The ability to BLAME someone for “hurting us,” “betraying us,” keeps us innocent and provides us safety as a victim. We will fight to hold on to our pain! To do otherwise means we must recognize and accept … “I’ve been doing this to myself!”
In my view, our most difficult, most significant problem to overcome, is our reluctance to be responsible for our lives, our choices! We’d much rather speak of our bad luck in picking lovers, or how men (or women) are assholes, or learn a technique to manipulate someone to draw them in. All of these are “external” answers, when all we need do is go internal, heal ourselves, and quit looking externally for someone to “make us happy,” or someone to “complete us.” It’s NEVER going to happen.
The more we externalize the responsibility for our own happiness on the back of another mere mortal, the deeper our unhappiness when they INEVITABLY disappoint us! “Heal thy selves.” Difficult I’ll grant you, but the only thing that truly works.
Are you suggesting that a second lover who turns out to resemble the first lover was a choice based on that unconscious knowledge?
YES!
What would it say if the second affair was terminated shortly after the similarities between lovers was recognized?
I would say that person is becoming aware of his/her imprinted selection process and is moving towards health.
(A great “romantic” entry for Valentine’s Day, huh?)
Finally, a caveat for those who read this … some will find these opinions objectionable; if you are one, a reminder. Your opinions are every bit as valid as mine. I am not a therapist. I’m just a guy with some opinions born of a voracious interest in the area of human behavior. I’ve studied the subject, spent years in therapy, read many books on the subject, suffered my own heartbreaks, and discovered MY truths through my own “errors” and learning curve.
<p class="MsoNormal" style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt”>I don’t share these opinions with any delusions they qualify as “Universal Truths.” I do share them with love in my heart and the hope there may be something useful here for some. If there is, thank you for the honor of classifying it as such. If there isn’t, discard it.
We are all on a path of healing and in the spirit of the day, my wish for you is that yours occur as rapidly and as painless as possible.
And that’s one man’s opinion … what’s yours?
God bless and Happy Valentine’s Day,
Nunzio
“The reason that nice available people seem boring to some of us is because they threaten us. The ego equates emotional danger with excitement and we think that nice, available person isn’t dangerous enough. The irony is, the opposite is true. Available people are “dangerous” because they confront us with the possibility of real intimacy. They might actually hang around to get to know us and melt our defense, through love. Available people are frightening. If you’re not attracted to them, it’s because you’re not available yourself.”
(Marianne Williamson speaking the tenets of The Course in Miracles on her tape set, A Return To Love.)
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If I’ve said it once….I’ve said it a million times…. Your such a wise man 🙂 Happy Valentines day to you too Nunz~!~
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You are right. What can I say.
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wow..I have that same quote from Nelson Mandela hanging on the wall right next to me at work. It’s nice to see another male who thinks along the same lines about many thing. I sometimes wonder what it would be like to have a needy and easy to please wife..instead I have this horribly independant strong willed wife. I don’t think I would ever wish otherwise, it’s just not…me.
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~soft smiles~ I married my mother. It took several years to realise it. Now I’m rather particular when looking at the potential mates. Why am I interested? What do you have to offer me? What do you have to take from me? What do I expect?
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I believe that you are right on in your assessment, Nunz. I just thank God that I’ve FINALLY opened my eyes and accepted responsibility for myself and my actions. I’m so glad. All kinds of things in my life are now starting to change. I think the biggest thing for me has been learning to like myself enough to say no to others. I’m not responsible for them anymore than they are responsible for me.
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Happy Valentine’s Day!!!!!!!!!!!!!! : )
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Wait….. I am going back to read this again…
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very well written. and oh so true. thank you for sharing this, and happy valentine’s day.
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OK, strange that I’m finding validation of my growth toward “healthy” choices through a stranger, but I’ll appreciate from wherever it comes. I was oh-so-young when I chose the first time. I picked from animal attraction, not a good idea I know, and overlooked (maybe from inexperience?) the obvious things that caused me to walk. con’t
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I shudder to think that the underlying personality traits were imprinted from my father. My dad IS NOT jealous, possessive, callous, vindicative, angry and paranoid. (I’m being honest here. I’ve looked hard at my dad and our relationship trying to explain to myself.) So I’m left with ?? Unresolved karmic issues from a past life? I don’t know. con’t
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(Last one!) As you can read from one of my latest entries, I’m engaging in a flirtation with a man completely different from my “usual” (I think). I’m not so (wildly) attracted to him physically, but there’s room to grow (maybe). We’ll see. Thank you for writing this. I waited with much anticipation. And I’m still bummed about the subconscious all knowing of us… bmh
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*smiling* You are such a salesman! I’ve already seen your promotion of the book and had it in the back of my head to pick it up. Though, since it seems to have been presented here as a “direct order,” I may be picking it up sooner rather than later! 🙂 RYN: I hope those things weren’t from my dad. How much from mom’s does that stuff come? Mom’s great. But boy is she jealous! (cont)
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RYNS: Btw, I was just more than 20 when I began physical relationship with the ex. We got married when I was 22. So, I when I said “oh-so-young” I was referring to the childhood crush, followed by a young marriage. (Not young by these days standards) And RE: paranoid? That was him. Literally, his personality disorder. “Folie a deux” = it became mine after being with him for years. But not now. bmh
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This hit home for me. Last night, I was even kind of blaming my mom for the life I have now, because she kind of pushed my husband and me together and now my life is similar to the life she had. I totally understand what you are saying here. Thank you.
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Ryn: Thanks, I hope so.
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More exerpts from ‘A Return to Love’…. I love it, my favorite book =)
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Ordered the book. Now, waiting… 🙂
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Ryn: I won’t Daddy, oops I mean Boss… damnit…you know I really meant to say Nunz, right?
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Continuing the dialogue: I agree that “chemistry” is not the basis for a wonderful long term love affair. However, where does chemistry fit into things? Yes, I’m going about mate selection head first rather than pelvis first, but when and how does the need for chemistry get filled? bmh
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“Available people are frightening. If youre not attracted to them, its because youre not available yourself.” Thanks, Uncle Nunzio, I needed that right now more than anything. I was being emotionally unavailable, unfairly to someone. Now I know why. He even requested me to “unleash my feelings”. My heart raced with such words. I’m worth it. Miss & luv ya!
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I’m a little amused that your entries are (free) therapy for so many of your readers, especially since they’re coming from a man with an online relationship, but I’ll admit to agreeing with you, usually. Tell your readers that chemistry and physical attraction are not synonymous.
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Are you having an online relationship with someone?
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Rex, Im not sure how to interpret your note. It sounds as though youre saying, the thoughts in that entry are invalidated by a man in a relationship; or did I miss it entirely? As to, Tell your readers that chemistry and physical attraction are not synonymous. As Im using the term, they ARE synonymous. Thanks for your thoughts.
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Yes, you did, but don’t worry about it, I’m just being me (i.e., a pain in the ass). 🙂
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RYN: Thank you for the input, as usual. And if instead of a series of jerks, it is a series of jerks alternating with clingy, insecure girly men?
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Got the book. Reading commences. Will report on any epiphanies…
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RYNs: 🙂 You are too good to me! My money is on too much stomach acid, as I notice that my stomach feels worse when I’m upset about things lately. I’m also treating “empirically” for an ulcer. I wouldn’t be surprised if it is, as I’ve been exposed to the bug that cause them repeatedly. As far as the headache, oncoming cold. Or it could all be do to lack of sex, hmmm? 😉 bmh
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Ryn: Put down that book and come over here. : )
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Hey! What happened to the line that you wanted me? Ah HA! You got cold feet? I knew it! 🙁 [Nunzio] I don’t have cold feet, do you? If so, I could come over and warm them up if you say it’s ok. I do want you. LOL, what are you gonna do about it?
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RYN: I never claimed to be “charming”….fun, yes….oppinionated, yes…..rude, sometimes….charming…nope…never claimed it 🙂
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*looks up* I think she’s right. YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAW!!!!! I love it. : )
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And what if you are attracted only to nice, available people? What’s that theory!
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ryn: OMG! YOU LIVE!!
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Just when I had regained my composure…. Just when I thought it was safe to breath….. Just when I though I’d make it…. You make me cry…. At least it was a “happy” cry 🙂
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ryn: Yeah… you’re right really.. LOL… I saw them eyeing up the mama… Haha…. I just chose to leave that part out…. Ahhhh…. Men in uniforms…. Yummy…. I’ve missed you Nunz! Glad you’re back!
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Ryn: I’m going to put the phone adaptor I get in the mail on my corded phone. Yes, I will buy an extra long line to make the corded phone as portable as I need it to be.
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cont. the woman from AT&T assured me that by having my computer secure and putting the adaptor on my corded phone, the line would be private.
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Ryn again: You’re right. The hackers could get in through my computer. My neighbors can’t listen though. Yeah, you could have some cases of identity theft, but the cost benefit outweighs that for me. I could get my identity stolen making a purchase over the computer or giving the lady working at AT&T my ssn. If it happens, I will have to deal with it.
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RYN: Indeed I do not.
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Very interesting.
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~kicks ya and runs like hell~
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Ryn: Thank you, Puppy. : )
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RYN: Thank you. There’s hope for me yet, huh? 🙂 I’m starting to see how the old wise ones get wise. It’s a series of small epiphanies in their 30s and 40s. Having figured out how people get wise, I have to guess you are *at least* 35! [winks] Thanks for the note. I’d just about concluded you’d fallen off the planet. bmh
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Ryn: Well…I knew you would like that. : )
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Where are you Nunzio? Your thoughts are missed…
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ryn: Hey you! I think you’re a bit behind! *Smiles* We have been working through things for the past few months now. Things have been going great since the mid-end of January I’d say… *hugs* Great to hear from you!
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RYN: ~rolls eyes~ “portable” means…smaller…compact…easily concealed…not as LONG as the “stationary” type. LOL….you crack me up 🙂
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Ryn: Your decision.
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Ryn: Yes, I know…and that is why I responded the way I did.
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you are missed…where did you go?
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Yep, it was lahaina beach house!! I would’ve put that, but I forgot the name of it….*laughs* Their Califoria burrito is to die for!! Shit, I forgot you lived in San Diego, you could’ve met up with SD Solomon and I. We could’ve had a threesome….. A threesome luncheon, of course…. *winks* =)
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Ryn: I’ll do it when I’m ready, but thank you.
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Ryn: I get the first part of your note…but with the second, what do you mean?
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Ryn: LOL…I’m glad you went into detail. hahahahahaha. You know what I like. Also, thank you.
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Ryn: Not necessarily. We’ve agreed we don’t want to rush into any of that stuff. Being the girl, it’s up to me to be the enforcer…but I’d like to wait a bit.
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“The challenge for YOU is to stay out of her way on her slide down.” I’ve never really thought about her need to hit bottom like an alcoholic. And maybe the best thing I can do is stay out of her way so she hits a little faster.
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Ah, well hello stranger. Glad to see you’re still around, somewhere.
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Awwww…thanks… can I ask you a question
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RYN: Thank you. I didn’t mean to imply that only men do this. I was just writing from my own perspective. I left some of it as a note in Shannon’s diary recently and had been thinking about it so decided to make it into an entry.
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RYN: Agreed. I think in this case the best thing we can do is to follow our instincts and believe in ourselves a little more. Mine has never let me down, when I am brave enough to trust it.
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Yes, thank you. I tend to have a no bullshit outlook on life and love.
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Hello darlin’! Nice to see you back. Even if you are back just to nudge me… 😉 I’m working on making new memories. Time is the trouble, right now… But, I’m working on it! I made a few late last summer/fall, new ones since then…while, I’m on hold for a bit. Focusing on getting outta school. Waiting for an upcoming rotation of promise? Maybe. 🙂
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RYN: Thanks Nunzio. 🙂
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RYN: No such luck man…I made my choice…right or wrong…I’m sticking to it… at least until I need a “release” ~giggles and runs away~
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RYN: I know… I know. I am trying. It’s hard.
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glad you are still lurking around OD…you have been missed you know! so do we get an update?
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ryn: Thats good to hear babe..I will look forward to the return of your creativity 🙂
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RYN: Silly rabbit! I’m making some changes in my diary. Notice that you just noted on a very old entry! 🙂 All will be explained on my new front page. “New entries” will be old ones for just a bit more… Then I’ll be done. Read all you want. So glad to have you back, reading and noting. I’ve missed you.
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RYNs: Thank you. Finding that place of peace right now is tough. And I agree living in the right brain would allow this decision to come from the correct place. Will heed your opinion, and do my homework. You do know that I love your notes, right? Hard as they are sometimes to accept, I appreciate and value your opinions. Thank you so much! Love to you…
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RYN: I’ve finally taken a moment to paste the address you gave me into my browser. Imagine my surprise to see Conversations with God pop up! I’ve already read it. Looks like I should read it again. Thank you. Your advice is always right on target!
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RYN: Excellent analogy extension! And it fits in so well!! I’ll add implementing that to the “to do list” associated with this entry. Thank you!
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Ryn: I took it off. The quitmeter won’t work. : ( Thank you for all the other stuff though. ; )
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Ryn: You’re disgusting. I like it.
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RYN: That’s a very good point, I hadn’t thought of it that way….so if you’d like to fly over here and make sure my hard headed kid does her damn homework…and all the other bullshit I have to get done in the 2 hours I have a night then I’ll go~!~
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Ryn: Thank you!!! : )
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where is your inspirational writing when i need it? 🙁
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Ryn: Thank you. I did take a nap. Hope you are having fun today! : )
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I love you I love you I love you. Thank you for all of your help.
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Good god, that last paragraph just made a whole lot of sense to me in my current place. Too much sense. I’m off!
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